Burden!

People keep telling me that I hurt them during the most difficult time of my life.  Yeah...it's not only sounds ridiculous, but it's also happen in a very ridiculous way anyway.  During the most difficult of my life, they are not only not to try to give me comforts and help me, but instead, they still keep telling me that I hurt them.  I never tell them back that what they were telling me was already hurting me even deeper. I guess they don't really care much about how much they hurt me, instead, all they care is, whether they are hurt themselves.  I still do not know how I hurt them.  May be by 'suffering' what I was going through then? I was glad enough if they didn't hurt me even more nor gave me more pain and suffering.  But obviously, that's not what they did. I couldn't believe what I heard from my own trusted priest when he told me "everyone is hurt".  I still do not know what it means until today.  Everyone is? as hurt as I was? I don't think so.  What's so hurt to be honest? Did they lost job, father, best friends, church, etc? If not, what's more hurt then what I was suffering?  More so, the Priest also told me that may be this is the burden I need to carry though myself.  I believe all he said.  I did carried the whole burden through... I am still carrying it until today after 2 years.  The different now is that I am not asking for help anymore.  Instead, I am pushing everyone aside because I do not want to get another reply telling me that they are hurt.  So, here.. if they think what they did were not hurting me enough to bring me down to depression, and they are blameless for anything.... then they are very wrong in this. Yes.  It's my decision to cut off all the relationship with all these hypocrites who claim they have the love of Christ.  Bullshit.... ! Carried your own burden? BULLSHIT!
When I watched LOTR last week, I saw how 2 friends gone through the most difficult time together.  The one who carried the burden told the other that it's a burden he needs to carry it himself.  It's something only he can do and it's a task that's so dangerous and tempting for one to sins.  His friend saw him went through the path that's so difficult and he slips and couldn't make it through... his friend can't carry his burden for him, but he didn't left him nor just stare at him or wait there.  He carried him through..... without his friend, nothing ends in the perfect way.  The mission can't be accomplished.  Without his friend, things wouldn't end in the right timing too.
Sadly, I do not have such friends when I was sent to CCL to accomplish the mission God sent me.  Everyone went down the mountain nor just stand there stared at me see how I failed.  They were critising every move I made.  They were throwing stone at me, putting more struggles and difficulties to the path I was going through and still at the same time, told me.... "We are hurt too!".  Can you imagine what did I go through now?
Yes...... that's hell like.  It's worse than hell.  When I was at a position where I was worse than hell, ... tell me then, why would I bothers about going to hell then? Now, does it make sense now about why I want to kill myself and I do not want bother much about killing myself and end it?
Oh... yes.  You are hurt too? Which part of you and for how long and was it worse than hell?
Now, does it makes sense to ask someone to went through a situation that's worse than hell to help others who is in difficulties? hahaha....now a day, I will not even respond when you tell me you need help, etc.  Go bear your own burden because by telling me you need help, I am hurt too. hahahahahaha... yes.  I have learned that.  So, don't bother about asking help from me.  Not a chance of getting help from me.  My compassion is gone.  Forever.
- Burden! -