Focus!

People around me only has one concept towards what I am facing.  Everything is wrong is to do with none focusing on God.  So, they keep telling me to focus on Him alone.  I somehow wonder if they know what they are saying because I can focus on God pretty well so far.  Knowing that God loves me has nothing to do with what I am facing here.  No wonder I was being warned that church and christian somehow will be the cause for me to kill myself if I am not careful and listens to them too much.  I am glad I am warned.  

With all the push and efforts made, I went to church alone last week (usually I will have Vui Theng to accompany me but she's tight up with parents last week), wishing, hoping, expecting my soul be lifted up and be edified.  For about 5 to 6 months now that I have not suffer any episode of depressive disorder and life has been perfectly well and good.  Happily went to church and my soul and spirit were so discouraged and downcasted instead.  Went for lunch with everyone still, hoping everything will falls into places instead and my mind just get out of control that evening and suffer another episode.  Worse thing is, I forgot how much this 'pain' is causing me and how much I dislike it and even how to deal with it.  I couldn't remember how I manage to climb out from it the last time, ... I had a game and a fellowship to attend that evening, but yet, ... I was attacked so badly... which I forgot when was the last time it was this serious.  Amazingly, space probably is the only thing I have and that gave me all freedom to try out all things to see which one works.  Had my dinner, rested, watched TV, listens to music, etc.  It was better, but gone terribly worse around 10pm (that's sounds like the usual timing).  Finger have no choice but to click on a speed dial that I set on long ago for emergency purposes.  Friend picked up, hang up because I didn't know what to tell, what to talk about and neither does she. When I managed to after a few tries, all I got from her was... even worse comments, ridicules, laughters, disbelieve, complete rejection and neglects, etc. and it makes it even worse.  What else do I have in order to stop all these? Focus on God? I don't know if I should anymore.  Somehow, it's going to church that started all these.  

I seriously hates the feeling when it happen.  No word I can use to describe how it feels like.  It's not upset, grievance, etc.  I don't know how to describe besides the word "downcast".  For Lin Pei San to tell you, 'It is painful', ... it really means, it is damn painful.  Pain, to me is NOTHING.  I have been bearing with pain on my foot for the past 20 over years.. for me to rather trade death with the pain, it only means, this pain is so unbearable.  So, stop laughing at me when I tell you it's painful.  

I have make up my mind for now, not to attend any church.  Yes, about focusing on Him, not church. That's all I need. Seriously, I cannot afford another episode.  I so hates it when it is conquering me. 

- Focus! -