Facing the 'future'.

The greatest challenge I have of having my mom around these few months is not about cooking, not about doing laundry every day nor bringing her for her dr. appointments, but it is spending quiet time with God.  Cannot say I enjoy moments without reading His words these few months.  It's a struggle even when I can only do daily devotion when I get up from my bed and not leaving my room to attend to her needs.  That special moment of reading more of His words seems to means there's a big part of my life is gone.  I really look forward to moment where I can read and meditate His words more every day, but having her walking around, asking me this and that and all, I cannot even concentrate in my works, what more in reading His words? 

Ok. I am sure you realised that my writing is completely out today. Well, I am.  I am not quite sure how long I can stand for being 'unorganised'.  Not that I dislike having my mom around.  I just cannot concentrate much on work, and life and I am 'disrupted'.  Sooner or later, I probably become not functioning and completely paralysed.  

The Covid19 situation here in Sabah is not contained and in fact, the situation is getting out of control, when the healthcare staffs are either quarantine or tested positive and out of 115 staffs, we are now left with 11 and due to this, there are many who are tested positive are still at their respective home and not being admitted in the hospital yet.  News says many are getting tested and found to be positive these days, including those in the restaurant, cafe, superstore, etc.  Everyone is now very worried if their neighbour, friend and relatives are tested positive.  Everyone is staying away from everybody.  At least we are trying to.  

I am kind of lost but at the same time, knowing that I should focus on Him, I kind of lost and do not want to bother.  Am I depressed? I think I am getting there because I have nothing to look forward to again and life seems bleak, so bleak now.  I know I need to declare Him as sovereign and all, but if this is His plan, who can escape?  No matter how much I want to escape and try to run away, I just can't and all I need to is to face the 'future', be it a bleak one or a bright one... and all I need to is to make sure that I am facing it with God.  

While I finished Revelation today.  One of the questions posed was, "are you choosing the Prostitute of Babylon or the Bride in Jerusalem?"  Are you holding on with what this World can offer you or holding on to God even though the process to the final destination is a difficult one?  Are you holding on to the promise that the Lamb of God will be seated on the throne and judge the living and the death and to check whether your name is in the book of life (both Judgment 1 and Judgment 2).  Which way am I heading to and what steps should I take next, especially in this awkward and weird season? 

What's my future? Well, I never have any to begin with.  I always find myself not having any future to look forward to.  Everyone knows about this.  If I have to die today, I am ready to.  But while I still alive and kicking, no matter how difficult life would be in the next few months or years, I will do all my best to hold on to Him until the very end.  

It is a tough journey ahead. Lord, have mercy and grace upon me.  

- Facing the 'future'. -