The reason!

I guess until today, many still wonder why I did what I did for the past few years. Many have the opinion that may be I feel better doing what I have been doing. But I must say, those opinion is not exactly correct entirely. If, only if you understand what it means to have not seeing your love ones suffer together with you, you will understand why I did all these. Pains on me no matter how, but to be able to release them from suffering with me is what I choose to do.  Not that I am not missing them. Not that I do not want them to be in my life, not that I do not want to call them, not that I do not want to share with them, ... It is just that I am withholding all these in my heart simple because I know and wish they do not spend too much time and energy on me and matters concerning me.  My life is never easy ... And that's my burden to bear, not theirs.  They deserves better and happier lives and that's exactly what I want them to have.

I guess I was and is just trying to love them in a very different way.  

If you ask me if I miss them? Yes, of course I do. Every moment of my life. 

Do I wish they are around? Of course I do. But I shouldn't be selfish. They too have a life to lives and I wish them all the best in finding what they are suppose to do and live life to the fullest. No one should be accountable to me and my life. 

Well, ... It's not pleasant not to have them around all the time, but it is too painful to see them suffer with me. 

- a deep feeling indeed, which I have chosen!-