Tough!

Today I attended the last church service for 2013. It's probably the only service I arrived on time, or rather earlier ... As my mom started to feel how worry and stress and difficult it is for me for the past few weeks and had taken over some 'task' from me.... Speaking of love of a mother, I guess she does know I am holding up myself so hard for the past week.

Seriously, I don't know how did she do it for 3 years now.... She is amazing!!! I wonder if I am able to do that if I am her. Anyway, I guess my limit for all these is very limited and shallow as I am very sure I am not 'made' for the post of a mother or wife. God definitely know this part of me better than myself. 

Anyway, let's get back to tonight service. I was sitting there pondering over issues for the past year before the service started. This year's Christmas definitely was a new experience for me.  I was literally being put in the shoes of those who are sick, weary,worry, vulnerable during the Christmas season. It's not pleasant to be honest. To see all your friends and relatives are happily meeting up, arranging meals, gathering, leaving me behind because of my condition. It's not pleasant either not having been able to 'dig' out some joyful mood for the joyous occasions. 

This whole year is not pleasant. With the conflict I had with my uncle, with the tough economic conditions, with my constant flying, with my unpleasant works and cases, with not having a home church and the opportunity to serve God, it is killing.... And my life is so unsettled to a point, I myself feeling so lost.  

When the songs asked us to sing on are to thank God.... It's the first time I struggle through the whole songs crying both in my heart and eyes...do I not thank Him? Of course I do. I wouldn't have survived if He did not faithfully bring me through.  He has been my ONLY support. But with all that's He allows to happen to me for the past years, I do not know if I should thank Him for allowing it. It is just too much for me to bear.  I am suppose to have a week of holiday and I ended up to have not only none, but pending works for weeks!

Why is He doing these for me to bear? Why? Can't He spares me and deliver me and have mercy on me?

Why is this blog is alive? Simple. By now, I have no one else to talk to.  I just feel like crying over and over again! It is depressing seriously.... When will all these stop?

Just right after service, 2 persons came and talked to me on the same issue. I just couldn't withhold mt tears. I guess they didn't know what to say and I just changed the topic. I seriously cannot stand anymore I think. If it wasn't for a lunch on Christmas and movie and tea/cake time, I don't think I am able to survive until now.... 

This year is ending soon. I hope everything ends soon too! Lord, please....

- extremely tough-