I rescheduled my appointment with the dr. last week because I was attending a Mediation Course by AMC on a last-minute basis because the Sessions Court has rescheduled my Trial this week to June 2021. It was somehow a relief because I realised there's so much I need to prepare beforehand and I really did not want to proceed with the Trial via Zoom. It was the request of the Plaintiff's Solicitors for the postponement and obviously, I agreed to it too. So, yes, we do have some time now until June to prepare and I better make sure I got everything ready by April.
Even though I think there's no need for me to go for the med review because I just had a thorough check and scan before CNY, I didn't want to lose the chance to be checked by a specialist anyway. So, I rescheduled it for this week and I am glad I went.
Seriously, within 6 months, everything can go so wrong with my health. I can agree that I am never good health-wise, but with all that I have been trying to be healthy, looks like it's going to be in vain nevertheless. At least, that's what I feel after the review. Disappointed, dismay, depressed, discouraged and angry are probably the feeling that I can be described in words. Emotionally, I am challenged and spiritually, I asked, why, Lord, why? As many would answer me that it is not my time yet to go, I always asked, "how do you know?" Seriously, I don't think anyone has any definitive answer to that question but instead of death, I actually asked - why do I have to go through all this 'suffering' instead. I am ok with death, to be honest, but not the suffering part that I have been trying to 'limit' and control.
EXACTLY what my realisation when my mind reached the control part. What did I try to do again? Me, controlling my own health and future? Now that sounds wrong. Where is God? Isn't what I need to do is to let Him be the one who controls my life, my health and my future? Since when did I ever think I can have control of my life? Suddenly, I find myself like Jonah, who complained and angry about God who let the tree that grew overnight died. Yes. Exactly what I feel - Jonah and his grumbling.
I took a day off today (even though I am in the office) to meditate on Him, reflecting on what's going on and how I should and can align my focus on Him rather than myself. A friend whom I share prayer request with every week however reminded me that, I was asked to pray about "submissive, trusting in His Will and Plan" this week and I thought this is exactly what I asked God to help me to learn and that's exactly what I am learning now - relying on Him in my life, submissive, trusting His Will and Plan for me. There's no coincident. My prayer is, therefore, instead of full healing, is to trust Him for His faithfulness, His mercy and grace. I believe, if I keep asking for mercy and grace, I will not suffer much from all these. If it is my time to leave, it is my time to leave (and yes, I don't need to worry about covid and what happened after that too).
God has an amazing way to 'connect' with His people, especially people He loves. It's amazing how He wants me to connect with Him, in different ways every single week. It just makes me feels that He is so close and alive. Now, I am looking forward to unveiling what He can do and will do to me next, regardless of what it is. It is time to say, let the man be a man and God be God. Never start trying to be God.
.. and this is a lifetime challenge -
- Challenge -
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