Reminded!

These few days, I am feeling a bit down... and I have been trying very hard to control my emotions. Generally, not to shout at people or not to get so frustrated with certain conversation.  Some just rub on of course that made me feels so lazy and xian to talk to them.  Not that they don't understand what I went through for the past few weeks, but they have also add on to the pain by 'playing' around, let's not mention about being comforting, etc.  I guess these days, no one does that anymore. hahaha....
I am seriously worry about a childhood friend who is going through a postnatal depression.  The way she described her situation gave me an impression that it's really bad. She loves darkness, being in the bed without getting up, etc.  Just like those first few weeks that went through.  Hell like life.  Worse for her was that she has a HUMAN, baby to take care... and i was only having cases and works, of course later with dad's condition, Human do come in... just that i was controlled by medicine then,  so i was ok.  But for her, she's on her first few weeks.  Hence I am worry. Worry for her, worry for her baby... Thank God her husband has just resigned and taking care of the baby and her at the moment.  Otherwise, I really don't know how she is going to handle it.  Can't count on her parents as her mom is having cancer and her dad is taking care of her mom. Poor thing... i just can't bear not to try talk to her and encourage her a bit these few days.... hearing her side of the story and trying to comforts her, asked her not to blame herself for things she can't even control of, herself. I guess not many people understand what she is going through.  I do.
I just finish watching the last episode of this HK series and the main actress finally killed herself.  I really praise the Director in this HK series for showing the actual situation of 'rather giving up' than handling the sickness.  One of the Senior Dr told her, it needs lots of efforts to lives.  I guess she just suffered too much at the same time and she just feeling tired and wanted to give up.  When I was watching the episode, i was brought back to those time.... where I can't control myself (luckily i didn't kill someone - and it needs lot of efforts to don't let myself out of the room), I lost myself, I didn't have support, I have too many things happen at the same time.  My church and its members fails me and i lost balance for a while wondering why even God's people and leaders can be so bad to a christian like me.  Yes.  I was wrong to put trust on the Church rather than God.  I didn't lost God, but church... yes.  Definitely! For a Priest who ill-treated their staff/partners in work, goodness.. i am sure you can imagine how much 'imbalance' i received those days.... from all these, I am reminded of those darkest moment in my life.  The worse was, I was all alone by myself every single day.... (even though all those who cares oversea did send their encouragement, emails, comforts to me occasionally - i do remember who you are. I did recorded it.  Some even send their money to my account even with TT services charges, knowing that I wasn't able to work at all).  But i can assure you, none is from Chris Church, the church I have been around for 5 years.  They rather see me dead by now... haha...
Oh well, it really takes a lot of efforts to lives to today!!!  God obviously has upon my request, sent Yien Loong back to Sabah for 2 years, just to help me out of the sickness and to sort out my firm.  I can never thought of her coming back... her family was so supportive and always takes me as one of her family member.  I always feel so welcome and comfortable knowing I do have them around.
Now that she is leaving.... I know it's God who says, I am capable now to moves on by myself.  I really thank God for her, for her obedient in God's plan. In her wonderful support.  A great old friend I will always love.
It's easier to kill myself then during the darkest moment.  It's too, easier for one to sins rather than not to.  Doing a right thing is always not easy.  I have been trying to be 'godly' lawyer... but it is so hard too to survive.  I know I will goes bankrupt soon if I continue to keep it this way, without corruption. Unless, God shows His mercy and grace of course!!!
So, yes, ... I am praying for mercy and grace.
- Reminded! -