Failure v. Success?

It was this friend of mine who bought a new apartment that bring forth the thought of "what's the meaning of life" to my mind yesterday! People are accumulating their wealth, properties, money and so on once they have finished with their degree/studies. Most of my friends, they are now married, had a few children, have their own business, properties, money and so on... and they are being seen by everyone else as "successful". Some of them, I do know they are already a millionaire since the age of 24 or they are the senior manager of some well known, top firm and company in the world.

After looking at them and looking back at myself. I am certainly a failure. I do not have a single cent in the bank, I do not have a job, I do not have any property, I do not have anything except some studies debts. ... I am ultimately, a failure!!! When I came to this point, I feel so depress and wonder why am I in this position today. Why did I want to strive on to be a lawyer after the first failure? Why did I step out from being a Legal Executive in a leading company in Malaysia to go through a year of pupillege? Why did I have studies loan to pay? ... etc. etc. I was so depress yesterday.

That was the thought came across me when I trying to sort out some papers to be filed to the High Court of Sabah & Sarawak in the State of Sabah to be admitted to the Sabah Bar. This is the second Bar I am getting in one year. There was 11 Exhibits and all those were my certificates and testimonies and so on. Am I a successful person?

As a very conservative women, I truly believe a married women would be a successful person. But me, I think I am contradicting my own thinking with what I had achieved so far. And that, have really brought me such 'depression'. I tend not to look at my present situation and look further... especially when many came to me and greet me, congratulate me on my success, etc... but I just cannot feel the joy and how successful I am. ... I AM DEPRESS!!!

This morning as I woke up, the Lord once again reminded me these:

1) Everything is in His hand and I should not worry about anything;

2) I must remember the reason why I study Law in the first place and why I "need" to be a lawyer in this country;

3) That if I am successful in fulfilling His plan and following Him to the end, I am a 'successful" person;

4) I shall please the Lord but not the man;

5) While I am fulfilling the Lord's plan, although I will or might bring unhappiness to my loves one, I shall go on without fear; and

6) He is faithful and just at all time.

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It was in my Form 6, I remember... that God placed in my heart in serving Him "full time". I made my committement to serve Him "full time" since then and I even work "full time" for a few months before I moved on with my studies to be a lawyer. I decided to continue to study after knowing that God doesn't really want me to work "full time" in the church, but something else. I know I am not good in studies, I am not from a wealthy family and I might have difficulties in many ways to become a lawyer. Some friends do know how I struggles with life during my time in England and how I got through CLP. Some friends also know how God blessed me in so many ways. I remember, it was between 1999 and 2000 that the spirit of God spoke to me in many ways to ask me to come back to Malaysia and become a lawyer in Malaysia. It was not a very easy decision to make as I was just about to send in my application for the Bar in England. But I was strongly moved by the spirit of God and I was committed since then to come back to Malaysia. I still remember, it was in the Malaysian Christian Conference in Reading, England in 1999 that the book of Jeremiah spoke to me. I was then being reminded of His calling once again.

A friend asked me why this blog is called "Godly Lawyer". Well, I guess... it's because of His calling !!!