What's wrong?

For the past few months, all I know is that, something is wrong. Be it miscommunication or non-communication. I do not know. All I know is, I find no one to turn to when I need a listening ears. But, people tells me otherwise. Almost everyone is telling me, just because I didn't ask for it and so, they thought I am doing just fine. I ponder over what they told me. I realised, the problem could be, I have completely lost trust over people arounds me. I trusted 3 persons to help me with my problem. I call it a problem because I know, I can't and I have failed handling it. I trusted them to help and I didn't get any help and instead, thing gone worse. It's a round the circle scenario. I said they don't help, they said, I don't allow them to help. When they said they helped, I said they make it worse. You know what I mean, don't you?

I seriously ponder if it is my issue. Of course to anyone and everything there, it's rulled that I am the one who is wrong because I am not not well. None of them take that "not well" part out of me and put themselves in my shoes to think from my point of view. I am rulled just within a second. When I was left alone, they thought I need to be alone. But I am being left alone and I have no courage to take the step to call them out for a drink anymore. I do not choose to be alone. I am being left alone. But to them, they thought I want to be alone. And leaving me alone is making the situation worse, but to them, they are doing me a favour.

What's wrong? Well, I guess it's because all these while, I was trying to do what they wants and desire and I have never voiced what I want and so, they do not know me at all. Of course they have also never try their best to understand me and care for me. Hence, they did not know I have collapsed until the day I need them to bring me to the dr. Nope. None of those friends I trusted knows me and care for me. All they do was taking me for granted. When they do not need me anymore, there I go, ... to the "dusbin".

The problem with me now is, I have lost trust on people. I am back to the phrase of life where I can't even take up my phone and call friends. I am back to the life where I feel nervous to walk into a shop to buy things, and let's not talk about going to a restaurant alone and eat. I have never gone thus far in my whole life.

What's wrong? Hmm... I have once again failed in the topic of trust and love. That's the problem in me. And this time, I wonder how long does it take for me to step a small step again...

- what's wrong? -