What help?

I know I have written quite a few blogs about what will help me. But, seriously... none was executed by anyone. I have finally facing the fact that my housemate is moving out. No matter how much I want to tell her not to move, her words that other day stucked in my mind and I just didn't get to tell her I want her to stay back. I know she doesn't... because she has told me so and she is feeling in danger by staying on with me. I do care so much about her and her feelings... and I know this whatever happen to me, should be bear by me and not by her, especially when she has signifies that she doesn't want to get involved. So, yup... she is moving out and things will hopefully end here, for her.

I know it won't be an end for me as I will need to fight that fear, that loneliness and those hurts myself here in this apartment. Will I be able to raise up again? Well, I have decided that it shouldn't be her problem. After all, she have made that choice... to leave me alone to deal with it and so, I too, won't force her in helping me out. I have from a good sister, became a friend, and to housemate and now, ex-housemate for her... that's bad enough and I don't wish to become her enemy (I know I already have for her). Wow... anyway...

I went to see my drs few days back. Both agreed that, I am now traped at this 'fear' that was put into when my housemate brought a few people to broke in the apartments, etc. ... and I am in between of that fear... and the fear of being lonely... and I am in between these 2. I found no where to get out from there... and ... it's hard. Trust me.... when it is too hard... bingo... that's what came into mind... "why not just end this by jumping off and end this pain?".

What will help? Being with me and not let me alone? or leave me alone? I seriously, DO NOT KNOW! It's a very contradicted situation.... trust me, I am going to gone crazy just because of this..........

What help? ... I don't know anymore... seriously!

- What help? -