Tawau or KK?

It's weird. This question has been in the back of my mind for the past.... 5 years? Hmm.. well, that shows how long I have been 'suffering' from indecisiveness of mine. Well, as dad is still in the hospital and mom needed company and I need a job... this question pop up again.. and of course all my relatives think I should at this moment stay back at Tawau for my mom especially.

Seriously, I am suffering from not knowing where my 'home' is for a long long time now. Is KK my home or Tawau? I got confused. And I got even more confuse these days. I have left KK for about 2 months now... and I lives with just suitcase which is not more than 15kg. ... I am home at the moment, but I lost my space here... and I find it so hard to breath and to lives here. I pulled myself to take the meal with my mom on a fixed time and I have to perform certain duties at certain time... and I don't have my TV programmes and all with me. But this is suppose to be my home. I was out of breathe and so my brother suggested I should move back to KK before I cannot take it anymore and started to react negatively which might hurts my mom. He called my mom and sealed that thought in her mind... and so, he is asking me to start planning when exactly will i be moving back to KK.

The fear came in.... yes, this is not something new to me. It happened few times when I went back for the previous weeks... and this fear in me comes not only with loneliness.. but also the taste of rejection and neglect. Each time when I need to go back to KK, this fear came in and it's so hard to deal with all these 3 elements. So far, being alone is much better than dealing with rejection and neglect. But it's still not something easy to deal with and many times, I am overcame by the fear, the loneliness and the 'content' of the loneliness........... and many times, I have to deal with fighting back those thoughts by myself....

Is going back to KK will benefit me then? Is Tawau going to help or KK going to help me? What shall I do? Where is home? Is being with my mom is complete loneliness or being alone a coplete loneliness? I do need my 'cave', ... and that's very important. Being here in Tawau, I have no time to retrieve myself to the 'cave' and that's killing........... but in KK, I have my 'cave', and I will end up be in the 'cave' forever and not progressing with works and life. I seriously don't know what's the best for myself.

What do you think?

- Tawau or KK? -