6 months is up!

 I am on my 5th day of sick leave and since I am feeling better, I have been sorting out things and preparing to go home after a good 6 months of being in the UK for a Mission Training - REACH the City, UK.  It has been a good 6 months, with lots of time enjoying myself with things I love to do and meeting people I miss.  

I am preparing earlier because my mom doesn't seem to be able to hold up until I get back end of March and I need to be ready to go any time when needed.  Life hasn't been easy the past few weeks here in Glasgow, with mom's condition and a landlord that's always checking on me with no privacy given, it's crazy.  Except work has been quite good and I enjoyed it a lot, which I am missing this week (shame!).  Oh well, to get well is probably the one agenda for this week.  Hopefully, I survive this week and enjoy a bit of work next week.  

6 months, I am also needing to prepare a testimony that I can share for like 7 minutes in church and with people who share the cause with me these 6 months.  That's what's on the agenda in the next few days (until I recover from my cold and flu) and hopefully, everything is sorted out before I leave Glasgow.  Scotland has been kind to me.  At least the weather is, as all the cold has escalated and shifted to England these days and so, I am enjoying much of the weather and things around here.  This week, I am supposed to pick up a few items that I need to bring back to Malaysia, but I am sick and so, I am leaving that until the weekend (i hope).  My challenge this week is really about...my mom.  So, it's time to think about how to settle her and all, even when I got back home.  What's my future endeavour? Seriously, I am not sure.  It am even more confused now than 6 months ago. 

- getting ready to go home - 

Finding peace and joy in difficult time

My second toenail that was hurt during a long walk in September 2022 has just fallen off.  It reminded me of one of the lessons I learned during this training (Reach in the City, UK).  I am in the 5th month and it's ending soon.  Even though I enjoyed so much what I am doing the past few months, it seems like it is going to end nevertheless. 

I walked a lot since I came and I don't mind walking a lot these days because the weather is not hot and humid, but it's wet and cold.  Is it better to walk? Well, I am not sure which one I prefer better, to be honest. 

Why did I join the Reach programme in the winter months? I have no idea.  It's available and it's just the right timing to be away from work. Well, the last few months of training were Arthur and Nicky's last session/training of Reach in the City, UK.  Just before we leave, we realised that they are changing the Reach in the City, UK programmes to a totally different one in the coming September intake.  So, yes, Reach in the City, UK will be very different starting in 2023.  

The long walk.  

I remember there was one time when I was kind of lost, a friend took me for a long walk in a jungle I have never been to and she was not familiar with.  We got lost halfway through and because the sun was scorching hot and sunny and I did not bring water with me, the journey was a bit difficult, tiring and fearful. There are lots of unknowns and then the sky is turning dark and the sun is going down, my anxiety took over my body and mind and I felt so lost and tired.  I remember a passerby saw us and gave me the water and even though I was trying to catch up with his pace, we lost him halfway because I was too tired to walk.   We got out of the place before the sun turned dark and when I reached home and told my dad about that, he said, "do not go unprepared and it was not the physical part that failed you, it's the mental part.  The anxiety caused you to feel tired and lost focus".  I remember I wrote something about our life journey after that. On how we can get lost if we do not have anyone to lead us or to tell us which path to take.  Even though there's help along the way, we will still find it difficult for us to move on and catch up so we can reach the destination safely and faster.  By putting our own efforts into the unknown path that we are walking, it only leads us to feel tired, difficult and anxious/fearful.  The total journey took us 3 hours instead of 1 hour. 

The 8 hours walk in September 2023 surprised me.  I was doubtful that I am able to make it.  It was team building week and I kept mumbling that I wouldn't be able to make it the whole week before that. It's 8 hours of walking, under very wet weather conditions.  There were probably only 20 minutes of sun and the rest of the time, I was under heavy rain while we walked.  It was difficult.  My shoes hurt my feet so badly (I threw away the shoes after that), and my ankle and knees compromised after 5 hours of walking. I slowed down my teammates' pace (they have to stop a lot just to wait for me), but I keep walking, I was tired, but I keep walking and my only focus was to walk and follow where my teammates are going.  There's no need for me to worry about where to go or anything.  I have my food and my water with me.  When the leader said stop, we will stop for a break.  When he said go, we will go.  Some of my teammates followed my pace and talked to me, and keep me company, especially during the last 2 hours as they know my ankle is hurting me so badly then that I almost gave up the last bit.  Some of my teammates offered to take my bag for me.  My leader gave me the walking stick.  It was difficult, it was a long walk with different Terrance in different areas, but I enjoyed it so much more than the walk I had previously.  So as my life journey.  Following the right leader with a group of people to go through hardship and the difficult path will not hurt so much.  In fact, I can enjoy that joy and peace even during hardship and difficult times.  It reminded me so much of how much we need Jesus to be our leader and our brothers and sisters in Christ who journey together in life and with that, it is good enough to be able to enjoy joy and peace even though life is sour and bitter (or wet and cold).  The whole team was rejoicing when we finally saw a van parked in front of us and said, "hey, you have done it, get up and let's go home".  My teammate turned to me, and some came and pat me on the shoulder and said, "we did it!!!!" and some said, "Pei San, it's over, you have done it!!!".    

Many people asked how we find joy and peace during difficult times.  Well, I have just told you the answer:  Jesus & the follower of Christ.  All you need is to follow Jesus and walked together with your 'teammates', so that you are able to keep walking, knowing that everything is going to be fine and we will reach our destination safely, happily and with lots of celebration.  

After 8 hours of walking, I took a shower, changed my shoes and headed to the hall for a sumptuous dinner that's prepared by the OM leaders.  Surprise Surprise... I managed to walk 8 hours under heavy rain and cold.... and survived without giving up half way.  

No matter how difficult it is, it will come to an end.  But will you be able to enjoy some peace and joy during the walk? I hope you do too. 

- finding peace and joy - 

Landmark Case

Landmark case.

6 years of battle that begins in the High Court until the Federal Court has finally come to an end today. I felt defeated 3 years ago when the Court of Appeal allowed my opponent's appeal with verbal reasoning which to me, is unacceptable. A little hope was seen 2 years ago when leave was granted in the Federal Court for me to appeal the decision of the Court of Appeal in the Federal Court. 7 questions were allowed and the hearing was done on 17.02.2022 with the decision to be reserved. Today, the Federal Court has delivered its decision and my appeal is upheld with costs. It will change the whole intellectual property law landscape in Malaysia. I am delighted.

Law.

Many were given the chance to study law and not many have become a lawyer. Many were given chance to be lawyers and yet not many were given a chance to submit their cases in the Federal Court. Some have the chance to submit their cases to the Federal Court but not many have the chance to contribute to establishing the laws in Malaysia. I am humbled by the opportunity and grace given by God, who is the author of my life. It is a success that will only happen when He allows it and it is within His will. With that, I concluded that I have done nothing to earn any of these. He has planned all these and He certainly has shown me unwavering love that I do not deserves regardless of how unworthy and insignificant I am. Thank you, Lord, for your mercy and grace.

Appreciation.

Special thanks to my dear friend Sara Anthony who did so much research together with me on this case and, again and again, assure me that my arguments are correct and I should press on for the appeal when I doubted myself and my understanding of the laws when the Court of Appeal has allowed my opponent’s appeal. I really thank her for journeying with me on this and helping with the written submission. I appreciate all her efforts. Law practice is not as lonely because of her.

I really thank my clients for trusting me too. Not many lawyers in Sabah have the knowledge of IP laws. When I first joined the firm, we were helping clients to recover their outstanding due to goods sold and delivered. When I first took over, I went over to their office and introduce myself. My client asked me if I know anything about trademark infringement. I explained in detail and I guess they have the confidence in me since then. I started to help them with securing their IP rights in Malaysia as early as 2008. I remember the high court judge in Tawau then was very impressed with my knowledge and understanding and we did talk about it during private sessions. His Lordship suggested my client do some adjustments on the packaging and I did suggest to my clients after that and that's one of the points that helped us through this case in Federal Court today. The trial judge (in the High Court) during clarification asked me about the laws and all before he delivered his decision. I remember telling him the differences, etc. and even my opponent (to be fair she was nearly called lawyer) is convinced. We did discuss about the laws and all after that too.

If you wonder if I studied and am good at IP laws, I can tell you, that I have not taken IP laws in my degree stage, nor my master's. I was avoiding this as it's not only boring, it is hard to understand. However, God has acted His best humorous way by putting me in handling this case. That only shows that it is not something I have earned with my own ability but it is something He has graciously given to me to experience His love, His providence and His guidance. I thank God for showing me how much He loves me and how much I am significant to Him and His will. Let me be part of it in glorifying His name.

So yes, I am delighted. Delighted that He has chosen me to accomplish this and delighted that He has not forgotten me but always has me in His heart and delighted that He has called me to do what I am doing (or what He trained me to do).

This case is going to have a huge impact in Malaysia market. I am grateful that the panel of 3 judges also agreed to give my client RM100,000.00 costs, which I believe the same amount has never been given before. My client is delighted too. I am so glad that these judges have agreed with me and my submission on laws. To be able to convince all 3 Federal Court judges is amazing. I remember how stressful I was on the hearing day on 17.02.2022. God has brought me through and I am glad it went well at the end.

I am so glad that God has favour in me and gave me this assurance today that He has never forgotten about me and my existence. I am glad that God has blessed me and given me this opportunity, even though it has taken 14 years. Thank you, Lord. Glory to you as again, you have established the fact that you are God and you are sovereign. Heaven and earth and all that's in it are within your control.

- Landmark Case -

Moving or not moving...

 "Do you love me, Pei San?".  That's what I have been hearing the whole 40 days of fast and prayer and on Easter day.  "If you do, tend my sheep and feed my lamb".  I wonder what it means because there's only so much I can offer from my plate as I am not in any capacity to do anything in that category - feeding or tending sheep or lamb.  

But I do know that God is probably asking me to take that little step of faith to someplace I don't like to be at this moment, attending to people I do not like.  Facing my giant is probably a more suitable description for my current situation.  God probably has always placed Europe in my heart, but I don't understand why He put me in the legal profession for the past 25 to 30 years and never send me there then.  Worse still, when Europe is in such a chaotic situation (covid, wars) and why now?  I was sharing with a missionary friend and she enlighten me and said, God must have His purpose for training you so many years for a reason and I probably will only know after I took the first step of faith.  It's hard.  Even if the priest in charge told me that it is not easy to leave my mom behind as she is in her old age.  But I know her heart wanted me to be used by God greatly in His kingdom.  I know she wants me to obey God and do everything that pleases God too.  It's hard, but it is not impossible.  If this is His call, He will prepare.  

Waiting for an answer is probably the hardest thing to do in life.  It's been 2 weeks and I am still waiting for an answer.  Lord, what are you saying?  My heart is still not ready?

- Moving or not moving... '

Calling or Not?

 Just how much am I willing to go to any field that's selected by others?

Oh well, a question that I have been asking for the past 1 month.  Is it an issue with willingness and submission? Did I just re-visit Jonah's life again? or is it just not what God calls me for?

Since the beginning of my 'searching for field' journey, I was very sure that I told the field leader that I have a calling for a certain group of people, certain places and certain ministries.  But the past few weeks, she has been sending me lots of places and fields and ministries that are totally outside of what I told her.  I get the idea.  She wants to make sure what I told her was really what God calls me for.  By giving me lots of options, she is hoping that I discern wrongly of the calling and I probably am better in another place.  I get it.  But that's not helpful and I am totally feeling that I am rejected by them, if not God.  I always think that if it is God who wants me to do it, He will open up the door for me.  But these few weeks if not months, I am not seeing that any door is opening and in fact, the door was opened but then it was shut down when I said yes to it. 

I am very much discouraged and I am very much thinking of giving up and just sticking to the old life and old me. He doesn't need me to begin with, what more... He is not opening up the door (which shoes that He doesn't want me to serve Him anyway). So yes... 

I am not going to take another move.  I am not going to discuss the matter further with anyone including the field leader.  I am going to just keep quiet.  If He wants me to do it or take a step forward, let Him start the conversation and open up something for me to go through. 

Calling or not, seriously, I am not bothering.  After all, even with the calling, the door is not open, I can't do much anyway. 

Oh well, yes. I am THIS discouraged. 

But still, know that He is God. 

- Calling or Not? -

Calling

I had a good talk with the OM Field Leader and Personnel this afternoon.   It was a good and relaxing talk.  There's so much to learn from them.  I like how they are so willing and able to help others to see what they are good at and to use the same to reach out to others.  As we talked and shared, I think they probably know what I am good at better than I know myself.  I am not hurrying to go into a field, but they are and they wish I can go to one soon to what they call, to 'experience the goodness that I will remember throughout my life time'.  They agreed that I probably end up doing lots of admin and HR works and they have no doubt, but for the next few months or 2 years, they wants me to go into a field to experience before I set in to do just HR and admin works. 

I have been trying to avoid the conversation about the REACH programme.  But somehow, someone brought that out and we talked about the programme in another country of my desire.  I checked online afterwards and it's back to REACH UK. SERIOUSLY? I asked God and myself, UK again? and Birmingham? He places in my heart many many years ago about reaching out to the people settling down in the UK.  Birmingham is probably one of the places I have not visited since Uni time and I do not plan to go again because I really do not like that place at all.  Midland is not somewhere I like to be at all and with all the blacks and Asians around, I got to say, I do not want to go back to Birmingham ever again. But REACH UK has a programme in Birmingham from September 2022 until March 2023.  Which is the right fit for my timing.  SERIOUSLY?  Birmingham and UK? where Covid seems .... everywhere and unsafe right now? 

Lord, please tell me... 

- Calling - 

Happy New Year 2022

2021 has been one of the most difficult years I had.  There are so many things I have to deal with and yet I have felt that I have accomplished nothing.  It was by far the most challenging year in my life and I am glad some of you has been present to make things a little easier to bear.  2021 also could be the last year I will be in my comfort zone, doing things I am familiar with.  I wonder if 2022 will be better or worse but I trust that God has gone before me and prepared everything for me.  

Hope those who are reading this post will not look back on what happened in the past 2 years but to march forward with your eyes fixed on Jesus alone and trust that He will have your future in His hand. 

Christmas.

It's bizarre when people shouting and mourning and angry about not having able to celebrate Christmas the past one year and this year due to the pandemic, the covid situation that people who claim have they have their human rights that caused it to be impossible for things to get back to normal soonest possible. Yes.  I am blaming it to the people who keep claiming their rights, their human rights and hence, the situation is not controlled after 2 years, unlike the Spanish flu where people are just believing in their doctors, their scientist and co-operate to make things better.  They TRUST.  

Well, this Christmas, we are all embracing another wave of 'attack' from the covid, but obviously, the human being is tired and think that they are ok to die anytime, and also fine with killing others by their selfish thoughts and rights claim.  But when they are claiming they deserve to have Christmas time, I wonder if they are all ready to die now, to face the judge, to face the ultimate judge who will decide if he or she will live eternally or go to hell. I wonder if they are serious that ready because even though I wish to die soon, I am racing against time to do as much to please the Judge and to make sure I am not only entering the door to eternity but also to enjoy eternity the way I should or anyone should.  Am I ready? Yes.  I just want to do more and better to prepare and one day I enter the door, I won't be told, "sorry, are you the one who just claim the rights and enjoy the Christmas celebration but doesn't know who I am?" No. I do not want to be that person.  Do you?

People are protesting, killing each other, being angry and not being cooperative.  Worse still, many are doing what they are doing to make sure others are getting the virus and died too.  Tell me if that action means God is pleased with you and that by celebrating Christmas, it is OK to kill someone because of your selfish ambition and actions? Human rights.  I never believe there's one because my rights are not what I earn or what I am given.  All that I have, from my identity to my achievement in life, it is given to me out of mercy and grace from God.  What rights do I own if not because of God? Can I claim my rights and kill someone? 

This Christmas is a very lonely one for me.  I probably only be able to enjoy it with God and I hope by being with Him means, I can know Him and His heart better so I know what to do next for Him, not for me, not for the world, not for anyone.  

I hope you know why are you celebrating Christmas this year for.  I am not hopeful that I will be able to celebrate Christmas next year, but I certainly know the reason I am celebrating it this year.  I hope you are too. 

- Christmas - 

#pleasedonotkillothers #thoushallnotkill #loveoneanotherasyourself #loveyourneighbourasyourself #investintheeternalkingdom 

Mercy and grace.

During my primary time, I was one of the rebellious and naughty student in school.  I was never good in studies and I don’t like studies because I guess, no matter how much I try and work hard for, I will never pleases my parents because my elder brother was always the best or better one.  I didn’t really care how well or unwell I did in my studies.  I remember there’s one occasion, I was chatting with my classmate until my teacher was angry and called me to stand up.  I know i will get my punishment, but I was reluctant and took longer than usual to stand up on my feet.  I must be thinking, if I can just stand up slower, the bell will ring and I might not even need to get my punishment.  

Doesn’t that sounds like us all in this world where we were doing what we think we want to get what we want and at the same time, trying to get away to what we have done wrong in life? Liar, being terrible person, being a bad friend, being a bad lawyer, not taking up enough responsibility, always being self-centred, etc. That’s all of us and me included of course.  In trying to achieving what we want to achieve, we won’t think about consequences and trying to do anything we can do delay or escape from punishment or penalty.  

In God’s eyes, we are unable to escape.  We will have to face our sin before Him.  One day, He is coming to judge us.  There’s no way we can escape.  Even with the best escape plan you have or can handle, there’s no way that we are going to escape.  This is at least how it was suppose to be before the coming of Jesus Christ or before He crucified and died for us.  

As I stand up on my feet, my teacher asked me to walk up to him.  I was trembling because I couldn’t apprehend as to why I need to go out.  The punishment has to be big, i told myself, but at the same time, i was trying to find excuses to justify that I shouldn’t be punish other than standing for a few minutes (because the bell is going to ring any time soon).  As i walked up, my teacher asked me to face my class…. and he then told the whole class, I have won a prize and I have brought pride to the school.  I stand at the same spot for a few seconds with my mind trying to process what I just heard.  “Wait, what? what prize? What competition? which one?” Well, he then told me it is the art competition i submitted through school for the road safety campaign.  I was thrill because I felt that my wrongdoing was being forgotten and forgiven instantly and at the same time, I have to secretly tell you now that, my brother helped me with that drawing. 

Yes.  My sin/wrong doing was not forgiven by what I have done, but by what my brother has done, and his action has redeemed me instantly from my wrongdoing.  

So as Jesus.  There’s nothing that we do can make our sins goes away.  Only through Him who died for us, even when we are not worthy to receive it that we have our sins redeemed by His blood and be forgiven.  This is mercy and grace.  

I am thankful that He died for me and I am thankful that my sins is forgiven and that i have hope for eternal life, the life that I will get to enjoy with my God eternally.  I am happy and grateful and that makes me love Him so much that I am willing to do anything for Him, as long as I pleases Him and walked in His Will. I am just feeling thankful for what He has done for me, for this worthless, rejected, unworthy soul.  Thank you Lord Jesus. 

- Mercy and Grace - 

World or God?

“I don’t have a friend”.  “I am a rejected soul”.  That’s generally what I tell people, especially to those whom I come to know recently.  It’s the truth.  Just that no one ever asked, why did I say that.  Well, the truth is that I probably do know a lot of people, but there’s not one that I can share really close when it comes to facing works, the world, family, responsibilities, and spirituality.  I probably can share what I face at work with some lawyers and they would probably understand if they are also a sole-proprietor who started a firm and run their own law firm.  Likewise, I probably can talk about how wrong biblically I think it is on certain topics with certain people or I don’t at all.  There are topics where it leads me to sum up how much I think the world needed Jesus, etc.  Those, I probably cannot find any audient to my venting at all. And because my life revolves around things and everything around Jesus and God and the fallen world, to be honest, I am unable to find anyone whom I can speak to about most of the time.  So, yes, that’s the reason why I said, “I don’t have a friend”. I really don’t.  At least not one that I can speak and share with the same focus, understanding and wisdom.  

When I am on the verge of whether to take certain cases or not, people will find me being too dramatic and indecisive because money is good for those cases.  All they think about is the profit they can pocket and not about other things, as if life is all about making money, and making money and making money and nothing else.  Well, if you think I am not talking about making money because I am rich enough to not talk about it and divert my concentration on other things, then you are wrong.  I am in debt and I always do not have enough to feed even myself.  Because of my difference in thinking, focus and priority in life (not just making money and being rich), people see me as different and not of the same pattern with which they can get along with.  Hence, my 2^nd justification – I am a rejected soul.  

In the law profession, people say I have a very different mindset about works and how I handle a case.  People do not understand why I would rather want parties to settle their case than go to court.  I don’t raise issues of technicality.  I don’t attack people (opponents, clients or witnesses) unnecessarily.  I don’t create lies, fabricated documents, find excuses to justify clients’ lies, etc. I don’t.  In the dictionary of litigation, I am not an unsuccessful lawyer, but I am a very poor litigation lawyer.  I do not use tricks.  Those who come to me usually are those who have a very strong case to win.  Definitely not those who need help with getting away from the crimes they committed.  If they stop by my place, they would get a good scolding from me before being asked to leave my office if they made such a request.  Others, they will have to take my advice to try to settle the matter out of court.  I reckoned that I am not a good lawyer.  I will never be able to be one.  At least, not in the eyes of the world.  

Lawyers will not ask me to join them for meals, drinks or parties or get together because I never drink.  I never do what usually lawyers will do after works.  I am not the ‘fun’ type that any lawyer would be.  When I speak to them, they are usually very respectful and serious.  If I give them a call, it’s a genuine work talk.  This is just me.  I reckon that it is my problem, for not being fun and not being able to be the fun type that people wants to get along with.  I get it.  I am not forcing anyone to too.  Hence, I said, I am a rejected soul.  

While I am dealing with being rejected, not being accepted as a friend, and that I probably have to deal with myself alone until I died, this passenger in the Bible did remind me that Jesus faced the same thing I faced too.  (a)  Not conforming to the pattern of this world  (b) Being rejected by even their own race and people because of the differences; (c)  He doesn’t have a friend that He can share with all the time, especially on the spiritual matters - even His own disciples don’t understand that He’s been trying to tell them.  

And yet, He keeps His focus right. He keeps His mission and vision at sight and He walks on it despite how difficult it was, even though to die on the cross, with accusation and without justification from any laws, even though even the people and the authorities knew by heart that He did not do anything wrong.  Today, the reading of Titus however did remind me that, it is because I know how frail, how weak and how foolish and disobedient I am, that I realised how merciful He is to me, to still love me and still care for me and still watching over me.  It is because I acknowledged how foolish and disobedient I am that I get to experience His mercy in a different way.  It is not by rights.  It is because I am so not worthy of being saved that He died for me.  

As a lawyer, I was trained to weigh between evidence to know if my client is worthy to get a lighter or heavier punishment.  This is nothing strange for any judges too.  By looking at the evidence tendered before them, they make their decision based on the weight of the evidence.  In the case of me being accepted by Jesus, to be redeemed from sins, seriously, I am not even close to worth for Jesus to die for me.  But He did it anyway.  He loves me just before I love Him.  He did it first. 

Just by doing that, I know being redeemed and being saved by Jesus is not something I should take lightly. I thank God for showing me how unworthy I am for being saved because of my sin, my foolishness, my disobedient, my malice, the mess of my life and yet, because of His kindness, I have received grace and mercy from Him and I am here today in this world, thinking, wondering what am I doing here exactly? 

Should I be just making money in this world and trying to live a bountiful life that I dreamed of with that amount of sacrifices, kindness, grace and mercy that God has given me?   Should I be just being sad that I do not have friends and I am being rejected? Should I even need to focus on making people like me, have lots of friends and not be rejected? What’s your take today in this world? To win the heart and approval of this world or God’s?

Many times, I told myself, the world's standard seems better, but we all know the world is temporary.  LIke I always say, be a good investor.  Invest in the 'future', wisely. 

- World or God? - 

Expertise

I sometimes get questions from others like, "what you are doing is simple, why do you need to charge so much?"  or "Why lawyer always charge so much?" or "It is standard right?" or "All you need is just to copy and paste". 

I got a pupil a few years ago.  She always thinks she is more capable than anyone else and definitely, smarter than me, academically wise, I am sure she is.  So, since she was full of confidence that she can get things sorted easily, I gave her tasks and works that I think is easy for her to accomplish. After all, it is just copied and paste right? So, I gave her some tasks, together with at least 3 samples.  It took her more than a month to come back to me.  What's more bizarre was, there's tons and tons of mistakes and points that are not properly assessed and done.  When I asked her why? She said she doesn't know how to do it and I wasn't guiding her.  I wonder how am I suppose to guide her.  If I guide her, it is basically telling her to just follow my idea, my methods and copy everything verbatim.  What will she learn to do then?  After a few times of what I thought I am giving her an opportunity to explore and to learn, not that she doesn't appreciate my efforts, but she compliant that I did not teach her much.  The problem is, she refused to try and make some mistakes and learn from them.  It is all goes to her being too proud of herself.  She thinks by avoiding doing it, she can do better in future.  That's not my way of teaching and certainly a wrong way for someone to try to learn something (in my opinion).  So,  I gave up giving her the opportunity (because I do run a business in case you don't realise and matters do need to moves on).  I can't wait for her to sit on the files forever until she gets to know how to do it.  If she didn't put effort into it, it's not my problem.  At the end of the day, it's her future problem.   Of course, she is not practising now.  

Is my job easy to be done?  A practising lawyer who is in her 8th year, that I was trying to coach in the past few months will tell you now that, it is not.  Regardless of how many samples, how many ideas, how much analysis, meetings, etc with her, she is still unable to conduct a full trial to her satisfaction because there are so many surprises along the way, so many issues to deal with that she eventually missed out and she has to call me to ask, "Ok.  This is it, I am not trying anymore.  Can you please take this case". I am not saying I am good.  I am saying, that's what I have been doing and I know how to get it done rightly and accordingly.  That's me, I am an advocate, a counsel, a barrister.  I think differently and it is just difficult for me to unplug from the skills, training, knowledge, experiences that I have.  Something that I have done in the past 16 years.  

So, when the headhunter company called and asked me what's your expertise, I can tell them, besides attending Court, I am no good at anything at all.  That will also mean, no corporate company will want someone like me in their organisation or company unless they want someone to make sure they comply with regulations, laws and others and so their products, their client's benefits are protected or, someone to advise them since this is the issue, what's the best-case scenario and what's the worst-case scenario and what are the steps to be taken.  But how many will need people like me in the corporate world? 

While waiting for an opportunity to leave law practises, I do, however, need to focus on what I can do now in helping others to get out from their legal issues faced.  No. if you think a layman can do a lawyer's job, from the drafting of an agreement to going to Court, then go ahead, save some money ... and you might lose long term clients or you will end up paying more fees at the end.  Lawyer charged according to a scale fees here in Malaysia.  Compare to other countries, Malaysia's fees scale is really cheap and yet, there are still many people trying to save up that money for other things instead of using a lawyer's expertise to secure their own interest.  To me, that's a very stupid investment.  

Even a trained lawyer might not be able to do certain works.  What more a layman? So, don't be stupid and tell the judges that you want to defend yourself.  The option is there, doesn't mean it is beneficial to you because a case does involve issues of facts and laws.  What are they? If you don't understand that itself, you need a lawyer. 

- Expertise - 

The outsider who might need to move out of her comfort zone

After approximately 20 years of hardship in life and finally being able to settle down in this place and having all that I have now, I can tell you, I am very much satisfied with life and I do not mind to lives like this until I died.  At least, that's what my plan was and I have been doing very well in keeping that status for the past few years.  Stepping out of my comfort zone is not something in mind and the most I can do is probably for a few weeks and that's all.  I always reckoned that God has finally let me have the life I wanted and I can now settle like this until my last day on earth.  

Even if I am thinking about going to the mission field, I probably put my first choice in the top list with no other 2nd choice or 3rd choice because I thought, that's would be a very comfortable zone that I think I can cope with and God will not give me something I am not able to cope with anyway (according to the bible).  So, yes... I am so unwilling to step out of my comfort zone.  

The past 2 months, life has been a bit unpredictable and I started to think about the future and while praying and meditating on His words, there's two passages and wordings that came to mind constantly, i.e. sharing the gospel with the outsider and going out of my comfort zone.  Seriously, it doesn't make sense to me at all.  Not until one day I received an email from a foreign country asking if I am available for a phone interview sometime that week.  I replied, received no answer, but the phone rang one afternoon and I got the phone interview done.  No.  I have yet to hear from them ever since and I always think chances like that will never come to me unless it is God's will. I am, however, happy that I get through the assessment (bloody difficult one) and got myself into that 2nd stage (phone interview).  I am happy because I applied to the same place in the past 3 years many times, and I can never get through that assessment stage or even before that.  So, yes.  It's an achievement, regardless of whether I get the job or not. It would definitely be interesting and exciting if I am given that opportunity, but at the same time, it brings fear.  I told a friend about it and she asked me, between country 1 and country 2 (i applied to both), which would I choose.  I told her, both are out of my comfort zone and she said, she would think so too and she said, I might, however, need to prepare for the 'worse' though because if God wants me to go to those places, I better be ready to move. She reminded me of the passage of being an outsider reaching out to an 'outsider' too, what more totally out of my comfort zone.  

If you ask me, I think I would love to have the job.  But at the same time, I am terrified because I know nothing about the job and nothing about that country or not knowing how to settle down, etc.  But what I am more excited about is that I probably finally be able to reach out to the people God places in my heart for a long time to reach out to, probably in the past 25 years.  I was reminded that both my dad and my uncle did mention this to me before they passed away.  "You go out to evangelise but never forget these places."  I do hope I have that opportunity to serve Him in those places, regardless of my comfortability.  

Having received no news from the recruiter for a while now does make my faith shakes a bit and thinking again, that no one will want to give me that opportunity because I am not good enough for the job they are offering and/or I am not able to contribute much because I don't know much of the laws in those countries.  I don't want to lose that faith, knowing that He can move mountains and seas if that's His will and desire for me.  All I need to say is probably, yes, no matter how difficult it is, I am willing to go for you, Lord. 

At the same time, of course, I have to make sure that I am prepared to step out when He moved the mountain or the sea.  

- The outsider who might need to move out of her comfort zone  - 

Failed Mission?

 A friend called and said she cannot stay back in Malaysia any longer.  She came back 3 months ago and she has to go back to the mission field.  I asked her why, she said there's nothing to do here.  I hope that's not an excuse why she wants to leave Malaysia.  I hope there's really a lot to be done in the mission field and that without her, things won't move on.  Oh wait, is that the case? God needs us to fulfil His plan and works He leads you to begin? Of course not.  God doesn't need us.  We do because we love Him and we wanted to serve Him.  Jesus did what He was asked and fulfilled it because He loves God and also people on earth, that's you and me.  He didn't do it because God needs Him.  

Another friend posted on FB recently and she finally back to her mission field and she happily shared how happy she is to be back, like fish finally being released into the sea/pond.  Oh well, again, it kept me thinking, is it because it is so good to be able to get out from the lockdown and pandemic situation to a place with less restrictions or is it because it is really because of serving God.  I had a conversation with a young full time worker and through her sharing of what she learned in the past few months, if not weeks, I realised, we talked about this issue again, about whether we are working for God or we are serving Him.  I am glad she realised this and even learned this great lesson and keep her focus right, even in her early ministry. What surprised me was that she also told me, missionaries are supposed to go there, train and raise the locals and come back.  That's right.  

A failed mission is like what the US and UK did to Afgan.  20 years of battles in the field, sending so many soldiers over and yet, once they leave, everything is just back to normal.  I looked at the timelines and the events and even pictures, my first thought was, "without a fight?"  Oh well, then it is bound to be taken over.   When we reached out to people and they said they wanted to know more about Christ, we don't just hand them a bible and leave.  We have to teach them how to read, we need to teach them how to interpret, we need to teach them how to be close to God, how to establish that relationship with God, and let them even know how to apply the words of God in their life before we leave.  20 years, if they can't even pick up a gun or know where to find one or how to fight themselves, it's useless.  The mission has failed, completely.  

It is a reminder of how strong the evil stronghold is and how easy it can just take charge of everything if we are not ready to put our feet down and fight back.  There's many time in our lives that we have to make that move instead of just relying on someone to help us with.  Spiritual journey likewise.  This has set as a reminder to me spiritually of how much we need to get ourselves ready and not take things for granted.  Are you ready to fight.  During this pandemic, I saw many people are still in complacent moods.  Some still thinking to earn the whole world and others still trying to gain power and others.  Some even think the future is bright and sunny because they just got married and some just achieved A++ in their A level exam and some just graduated with 1st class degree and some got their first book published and others got their doctoral degree, and they think the world should celebrate because of their success and they are over the moon thinking their life is full of bright future.  But all these will be gone in a minute if God doesn't extend His grace for you.  All these will go and can you hang in to God and still praise Him?  Can you still say, thank you Lord for a bright future? or are you going to now beg God for mercy and grace?  or are you going to ask God, why He is being cruel and let you suffer?  

The truth is, there's nothing that will last forever.  But we need to learn to enjoy His presence and the relationship we have with Him no matter if you see with your naked eyes how bright or gloomy your future is because it doesn't matter.  What matter is, in whatever situation, you know He is right there for you because He loves you.  

When things go really well with you, praise God for letting you have that opportunity to enjoy happiness, success and achievement.  Without Him extending that grace to you, you might not have it.  Don't ever think that all your happiness, success and achievements are the fruits of your own ability and wisdom.  It is not.  When things go less well, and you are suffering, enjoy it because that's the moment you get close to God and trying to know what He was trying to do in your life.  It is these moments that one will get to know God and His heart better, in many ways and that one day when you finally get what you want, you know it is all because God loves you and nothing else.  Suffering will eventually cause people to understand death is nothing because Jesus has redeemed our sins from us.  Suffering and pain eventually made us want God even more and without suffering, God could be just a tool.  Without suffering, people think they do not need God.  So, no matter in which stage you are at, keep in mind that, God loves you and you can come close to Him a little bit more.  Do not lose your focus.  Focus on Him.  Your God, Your sovereign God.  

Do not fail your mission. 

- Failed Mission? - 

Guaranteed future

Since March 2020, I saw people posted a lot of their current situation on social media.  Sadly, most of them are their anger towards the country’s leaders, the political leaders, the governments and some, their bosses. Anger was sparked off because many are worried about their livelihood and their future.  Future that they actually have no guarantee with actually.   Just that because of the pandemic, people finally feeling it closely.  The business bosses are angry that the government leaders implemented lockdown because that’s mean their ‘promising’ future profits has now become unpromising.  Worse still, some of them were greatly affected that they now have to take up loans and borrowings to sustain their businesses and also the livelihood of their family and the family of those who work under them.  The middle-class business owners are not here nor there because, with so much commitment in their hands as their struggle day after day before the pandemic, things got worse as they might as well end it and try to find a job, which might not come by at all.  Employees are less angry with the government and they say, “all depends on what bosses and government is saying” because they are still getting pay, even though some are pay lesser and the government also giving them some incentive now and then.  

For people who have children who are planning to enter their tertiary education, parents are worried now that because of the financial constrain, they are unable to provide the best education to their children.  Those who are not going to tertiary education, their parents are worry now that their children will not get a job that will not expose them to covid19.  It’s been 1 ½ year now and if they have been waiting, they are still waiting now for the next step to come along, safely.   For those who have graduated and graduating from their tertiary education, some are facing the choices of whether to return to Malaysia to work because the situation seems more dangerous and because many businesses are closing, their opportunity to get a job seems slim.  For parents who have put all their investment into their children and wishing that their children will not find a good job and contribute to the family financial burden, the situation now becoming a bit bleak.  

Most people in this country are toss between lockdown and earning opportunity.  Everyone now hopes they can be in a position where they can work, earn and at the same time, shield themselves from being infected with a virus and died.  But then again, the reality is that there’s no guarantee.  

Some people are trying to be smart, even though they are not.  Some non-medical trained people think they are smarter than scientists and doctors and they even believe in social media and all these reports (instead of research papers) and tried on all sorts of measures trying to combat the virus.  Some are even so good (they think they are) that they think the virus is a hoax and they can just don’t do anything about it.  These people are in denial of the difficult and broken world, that they have put so much trust in it, thinking it belongs to them and that they can do everything they want to combat it and win it because they have their rights to.  These people are so brave about their lives, their choices, for their life and their afterlife.  They exercised their rights (Human rights they call them) and they think they are winning over God in this, in controlling the world and life. 

Is there a guarantee and complete control over the world and life in this world? There’s no guarantee anyway, even prior to the pandemic, but people did not see it because people only manage to focus on their own ability, how much they can earn, how much they can do and how much they can plan for their future prior to the pandemic.  The measure was done through own self-measurement and standard.  That’s a human being and that’s why we often hear people commented that “You do not earn enough because you are lacking ability”. 

Since the beginning of this pandemic, people did not realize that the smartest persons are put to do all these important jobs trying to win over covid19.  The smartest scientists, the medical practitioners, etc. but if they are not lacking the ability and intelligence, why are we still not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel yet? Where’s the future that these smartest people can assure us?  Unfortunately, there’s none.  

Is our ability and intelligence that can determine our future? Can we rely just on our own ability and intelligence? Let’s talk about climate changes around the world, which we all realized now, in every corner of the world because it has somehow affected us very much these days, i.e. we need to on the aircon more often than we used it, people in the UK needs to get a fan or an aircon now compare to 20 years ago where we only need a heater, even during summer.  Summer in the US and Australia no longer involves beaches and swimming, but also ready baggage to run away from bush fires.  Bicycle no longer one of the major transport in Europe, but a boat in recent years.   Don’t we have all these scientists and smartest people at the top of the world who know this day will come?  So, why are we still facing the problem today?  

We talked about our worries almost every minute if not seconds, even though we know that it is part of life.  The amount of worries that one get is different from person to person. Some people know things are going to happen and they will take measure to tackle it.  Some people know things are going to happen, they will do something about it, but not wholeheartedly.  Some, just don’t bother at all.  That’s just so human, you say.  That’s right.  It is.  That’s us.  We worry about everything, not just major issues.  But we always forget the major issue and the way to tackle it.  

People forget the core saving in John 3:16 even though this is probably the only bible verse they can recite.  They only focus that God loves us and full stop.  Most people disregarded the fact stated at the end of this verse, that those who do not believe, will perish.  This verse also lied the truth of our guaranteed future and the only way to make our future certain.  It is not how successful you are.  It is not what society position you are at.  It is not how well you did to feed your family.  It is not how much achievement you achieved in life.  It is not how much you respect your parents.  It is not how much you read the Bible. It is not how many people you shared the gospel with.  It is not how much wealth you accumulated.  It is not how much possession you have in this world.  It is not how well you preach.  It is not how well you trained missionaries.  It is not how much time you spend with God.  It is not how much good deed you did to help people during this pandemic. No. It is not.  

There’s only one thing you need to do and that not only your future is guaranteed, but also that your worry will be lifted because that’s the ONLY future you should focus on, that is to believe in His only Son and, you will not perish, but have eternal life.  

John 3:16 NIV

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

For those who do not believe, the future is that they will perish.  Our God loved the world, and our God is also the integrated and just God.  He has given us a choice, which we all need to make it.  

There’s no guaranteed future in this world.  No one can guarantee anything for you.  No one can even guarantee that this pandemic will be over by end of this year.  No one.  But there’s only one guarantee that we know is sure for our future, that believes in Him, and we will not perish but have eternal life.  

To have the ultimate faith in believing Him, we do not dictate how God is to run this world and our lives.  We do not come to Him and tell Him, “come on God, I believe in you, now, do your part and give me a bright future and bless me”.  If I am not wrong, there’s so much provision in the whole Bible that says we can bribe or negotiate with God.  God has given us the privilege to pray to Him and submit our petition to Him and see how things work out, not to bring what we asked for to ourselves, but to bring out an outcome that His name is glorified.  

Too bad, the existence of this world, your existence, the existence of the covid, it is not about you or me.  Yes.  It is not.  It is about God and His glory.  I wonder how long until people realise this.  

During my CLP exam, everyone is praying because there’s only 30% of candidates will pass the exam and I wonder, if everyone is praying, does God allowed all the prayers or how is He going to decide who is going to pass and who is not? I realised afterwards that, it is not about whether you prayed or not or whether you get your prayers answered or not.  Sometimes we do, sometimes we don’t.  It is how you pray and it’s what kind of attitudes you have when you pray that is more important than the outcome.  The situation may or may not be better for you in the next couple of months time.  It doesn’t matter to God.  What matter is, what kind of attitudes you have when you pray and whether what you are praying for will glorify His name.  

The best thing about our eternal future is that the passing rate is 100% guarantee, as long as you believe.  So, don’t believe half-heartedly or a little.  It has to be 100% belief.  If you are doubting at this moment, as long as Jesus has not returned yet, you still have time to find out more about Him and believe in Him. 

My challenge to you today is to focus 100% on Him, prayed with the right attitudes and make His name be glorified. 

- Guaranteed future -  

My pandemic challenges

The pandemic started in 2020 and regardless of who you are, the rich, the poor, the boss, the employee, male, female, young, old, healthy and unhealthy, everyone is affected, in one way or another.  Some, we all can associates and relate to, such as these: 

Some are affected in their earning.  Some earned lesser, some lost their job, some has got more wealth than before.  

Some are affected in their relationship.   Some lost their family members, relatives, and friends from covid19 and some has finally found love and good friends and companion during this difficult time because everyone connected better as most are in front of the computer most of the time or has more time to communicate with others.  Some even got their old age parents to stay with them and has their relationship restored and rekindled.  However,  because of working from home, many have lost that relationship with their bosses and colleagues the same way it was.  

Some are affected in their daily routine.  With working from home, many only have their space within their home or home office.  The moment they get up from their bed, they switch on their computer and start working and many reckoned that this means working hour is much longer.  Instead of getting lunch, now they must make lunch during that 1-hour lunch break and finish their food.  Instead of packing to go home at 4:45 pm, now they struggle to switch off their computer and call off the day.  Exercise routine seems to disappear and only exist when one feels like it, and in some parts of the world, they are not even allowed to go for a run or a walk outside.  For those who always go to church on Sunday, we also tend to lose that routine completely because we are not allowed to go back to church to gather with others and to worship God.  

Besides the above that we all experience and knowledge of, we are affected not just that alone.  There are greater challenges ahead besides and behind those, which includes: - 

(a) Praise and Worshiping God.  

One of the greatest challenges to focus on and to do during this pandemic is to continue to praise Him and worship Him for His goodness because many has measured the goodness according to their own personal comforts.  Many wonder how to enjoy this world and all the things in this world where freedom is restricted, life is restricted and overturned and we have to face the decision of life and death almost every day if not every hour and minute.  We questioned what God is and has been doing these 2 years.  We asked if He ever exists and we questioned Him on why He let this even happened.  All our focus is on, why our lives have been overturned within days and we are no longer enjoying this world like we used to.  Our plans were disrupted.  Our lives were upside down and some even have to face starvation, malnutrition, death and it seems that the word happiness no longer exist anymore.  Some faces discomforts of not being able to travel, to see the beauty of God’s creation and because they have to cook and eat home cook food every day, they became depressive and even wanted to end their lives.  How do we praise and worship God in such conditions, we asked.  

That’s one of our greatest challenges during this pandemic and I feel that it is a reminder to all of us of what we focus on in life, not just this pandemic, but life.  Do we only praise and worship God during the good time?  Do we only praise and worship God when we need Him? Do we talk to Him or speak or even fight with God during a difficult time? What exactly is our focus in life?  Our own comforts? Our own desire in life?  The world? Our success? Our achievement? Our relationship? Our enjoyment of life? What is yours? 

When all these are good, life is good and everything is good and within your control, does that mean, you have gained the whole world and therefore God is good? 

When you do not have all these, including your freedom to even go for a walk and a run, or even the ability to earn a living, does that mean God is not good and therefore you cannot praise and worship Him anymore? 

When you lost everything, literally everything, including your plan, your aim, your income, your loved one, your freedom, your job, can you still praise and worship Him? What is the reason you praise and worship Him? Is it so that He can bless you abundantly or because He is God, who shall reign and ruled over your life, no matter how it turns out to be?

I leave this challenge to you because this is between you and God. As for me, I know life sucks and it’s so difficult to bear these few months if not years, especially since my space is invaded (with my mom staying with me), and I totally lost my own comforts.  My work and income are affected and my future seems gloomy and without much to plan for.  But I praise Him for granting me grace and mercy, to still have the breath to praise Him and His goodness and to acknowledge that He is my God who rules over my life and this world.  Even though if this leads to eternal rest or the coming of Jesus, I want to be ready for it.  I still praise Him for His goodness.  I do not want to put my own wishes, my want, my needs, my desire first before His Will and His plan.  So, yes, that’s my challenge.  Regardless of how terrible life is, I know He is faithful and just and He will be God and King of my life, that ruled it according to His plan and Will, for His own glory and not for me.  Yes.  It is not about me.  It is about Him and His glory.  

(b) Love your neighbour as yourself.  Loving those unlovely. 

The other challenge during this pandemic is that no matter how much I have done to try to comply with all the rules set out to contain the spread of the virus by putting up so many efforts, including not going out, close the firm operation, for the time being, not visiting friends and family, no gathering, not attending a funeral and all, there are still people who disobey and they just make the situation harder to bear.  I always got angry with these people who did not comply with the rules, including all the ministers and leaders of this country.  I was furious over some religious group of people who just make more and more clusters over time and continue doing it.  But can we just continue to hate them, or dislike them and be angry with them? 

The past few weeks, during our discussion in the cell group, we discussed about Jesus’ command to his disciples on the night before He was taken away, just before He washes the feet of His disciples, He said, “Love one another as you love yourself”.  I was thinking, it is easier said than done because it is so difficult to love these people.  Those who disobey the rules and continue to create clusters and spread the virus,  those who refused to wear masks, those who protest against restriction, isolation, masks wearing and those who launched many anti-vaccination programmes and campaigns, those who created so much fake news, being not co-operative with WHO guidelines, and the list continue.  How to love people like this I always ask myself and often time, I asked God too.  Can’t God just destroy them once and for all? Or come on, God, send Jesus already…. 

Worse still, for some countries’ leaders who took up lousy and poor measures and decisions in curbing the spread of the covid19, or those leaders who staged political agenda during this difficult time.  Are we supposed to love these people?

It is indeed difficult to love people like those I mentioned above and seriously, I find myself often asking God, can I not love them and can you just destroy them, i.e. please make sure they get covid and die. That’s my challenge this pandemic.  On how to love people I mentioned above.  It is really not an easy task.  I find myself have to keep my focus on God alone because I am sure, this is what He wants me to learn during this pandemic.  To love the unloving, to love those I hate.  Maybe not to the point as to how much I love myself, but as a start, I am trying very hard to try to not be bothered by what they did, but only on what I can do in order to curb the spread of the virus to others.  Let’s not focus on how you can do, but what I can do instead.  I am not expecting others to do something for me.  I am focusing on how I can survive on my own account and I can do that little bit to help some who needs help that I afford to, and at the same time, staying sane.  I might not be able to not love them as myself, but I just do not want to dislike or hate them because I know God does love them, and He still loves them.  So, for now, although I am not happy with what they are doing, it is not within my control.  But what I can control, is that I do not hate them.  

By the grace and mercy of God, I hope one day, I will know how to love them and I hope God will help me to reach that point one day.  

(c) Stay healthy and faithful spiritually. 

Being able to focus on staying healthy is kind of a challenge for me because with what’s going on at the moment, life doesn’t seem to be going anywhere except waking up, sitting down in front of a computer and browsing the web, watching tv, cook, eat and sleep, there’s nothing much happening.   Yes.  That’s my kind of life since May 2021 and life hasn’t been very interesting so far.  There’s absolutely nothing to look forward to.  

I have worked hard to catch up with bible reading and trust me, it has not been easy because many times, I just find that God is saying, “sorry, what’s happening, it is not about you, but Me” and I almost gave up in knowing if He ever bothers to give me what I asked for and what do I ask for?  I don’t even know what I want to be honest.  Life has been put upside down and nothing seems working and you probably gathered now that I am not on depressed, but also discouraged and in despair.  Often time, I asked if He hates me that much that He resents me over and over again.  This happened especially when I realized that some friends still get what they are doing during this pandemic and they have earned even more, etc.  If things are moving on for some, why did God let mine stopped? Did He forget about me? Did He love others more than me? While the world resent me, did He resent me too?

It’s been a roller coaster ride in this spiritual journey in the past 2 years.  It’s from I want to pick myself up to, now, God has resent me, and the reasons could be because like how the world sees me as, a failure, a sinner, someone who is not outstanding and it’s just me, the rejected soul.  

Again and again, He was telling me that He is the King and there’s nothing I need more because God has redeemed me from my sins and all I need to do is to focus on Him, His plan and will.  But what’s His plan and will? That I should continue to be in agony and despair? Continue to be doing nothing for Him, but just sit, sleep, watch tv, do nothing, until the day I die?

To be honest, I don’t know.  I find it really difficult to know His will and plan at the moment and that’s my biggest challenge for the time being.  Besides keeping my focus and staying faithful to Him, and keeping my sanity in place, I literally cannot do anything to change the course of the path that I am on at the moment.  That reminds me of Daniel, who waited for many years, probably just for that one time to serve Him.  How did he do it? To be the minority in the country, not being used by God for years and yet He stayed faithful and focus, prayed every day, stay close to God and follow God’s leading and being used for once.  Lord, is this what you want me to learn during this pandemic? To be like Daniel, to stay spiritually healthy, keep my focus and stay faithful until the day You call me to Your service, maybe just once?  It is really hard and challenging for me to be honest.  There’s so much I can do for Him. Why can’t He just deliver the tasks to me and let me do it now? Why can’t He uses me more or blessed me more?  Why can’t He show me more love? Why can’t He give me what I asked for?

Lord, I know, in your time because You know the best time to deliver it to me.  But again, I asked, can’t you perform a miracle and make things happened, like NOW? Yes, that’s my struggle and challenge this pandemic and I am praying so hard that God, you will have mercy on me.  Please show me a little bit more that You love me.  

There are lots of challenges to this pandemic, but to me, the greatest challenges are the 3 that I mentioned because it’s about putting down myself and completely letting God be God.  I am not sure what kind of challenge you encounter during this time.  I hope spending time to meditate and listen to Him is one that you will priorities for now.

- my pandemic challenges -