Calling or Not?

 Just how much am I willing to go to any field that's selected by others?

Oh well, a question that I have been asking for the past 1 month.  Is it an issue with willingness and submission? Did I just re-visit Jonah's life again? or is it just not what God calls me for?

Since the beginning of my 'searching for field' journey, I was very sure that I told the field leader that I have a calling for a certain group of people, certain places and certain ministries.  But the past few weeks, she has been sending me lots of places and fields and ministries that are totally outside of what I told her.  I get the idea.  She wants to make sure what I told her was really what God calls me for.  By giving me lots of options, she is hoping that I discern wrongly of the calling and I probably am better in another place.  I get it.  But that's not helpful and I am totally feeling that I am rejected by them, if not God.  I always think that if it is God who wants me to do it, He will open up the door for me.  But these few weeks if not months, I am not seeing that any door is opening and in fact, the door was opened but then it was shut down when I said yes to it. 

I am very much discouraged and I am very much thinking of giving up and just sticking to the old life and old me. He doesn't need me to begin with, what more... He is not opening up the door (which shoes that He doesn't want me to serve Him anyway). So yes... 

I am not going to take another move.  I am not going to discuss the matter further with anyone including the field leader.  I am going to just keep quiet.  If He wants me to do it or take a step forward, let Him start the conversation and open up something for me to go through. 

Calling or not, seriously, I am not bothering.  After all, even with the calling, the door is not open, I can't do much anyway. 

Oh well, yes. I am THIS discouraged. 

But still, know that He is God. 

- Calling or Not? -