Things made me recalled on what happen to me when I left England 8 years ago and seriously, it was peaceful, and I had this feeling that I will go back there again and the feeling of separation wasn't really there. It's just like leaving your home town to further your study somewhere else.
Many asked me about my feeling about going back to England for 3 weeks and well, what can I say? For those who stayed in KL before, guess it's just like going back to KL. Everything seems familiar. Nothing seems 'new' and because of that, I did felt a bit 'bored' instead if you know what I meant.
May be my spirit was renewed then in England on my 2nd year (rebel on 1st year) and grew on 3rd year, going back to England indeed reminded me a lot about my spiritual life. That includes conversations with some of my mentors and friends. Most of them seens the "changed" me before and after and so, when conversations on such topics was again discussed, ... the feeling was so much 'complicated' and I am seriously having difficulties to explain it to anyone.
Through this trip, indeed, I am challenged by God to move forward. Yes, a decision that's so difficult to make and a thought that's too complicated to digest. Ghoosh... I am just feeling suffocated now!
Situation gets tougher even when I reached KK where all those familiar thing here, a place where I call home is suddenly become ... an 'unknown' place to me. For a while, I thought, did I left this place 3 weeks or 3 years? Almost a month not leading the cell group has made me wonder whether I still the leader of this group and in fact, I am totaly confuse now of how to lead the group again. All I heard are the things 'used' to happen in "my" cell group during my absent and which I have no connection with, sort of. I am confused. I am lost.
When I stepped into my office this afternoon (suppose to just to collect a file), the feeling of 'insecurity' set in. I was seriously in fear... the question of 'what's next' really frighten me... for a moment, the questions of "why are u putting me here for" and "why do I need to go through all these alone?"
I know I shall cast all my trouble and anxiety unto Him, but... practically, I have failed today. The most horrible thing was because I was all alone, it was really a hard fight ...
No. I still haven't get over with all these. At the same time of dealing with all these, not only that I was left alone, but also I need to get myself ready for tomorrow's court case.
Can anyone understand what I am going through here at this very moment?? Do you know what am I trying to say? You ever be this confused? I did cried out loud for help. HHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!
- harder -
1 comment:
Yup.... I've been through there... Don't worry my dear, you are not alone. I know how it feel whereby you can't explain it but you just have this feeling. Yup... totally know about this.
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