Emotional!

I realise I can be so emotional lately. I can be affected so easily by words and conduct of some people. I can affected badly when people 'attacking' me in general. Be it a joke or just an unintentional word.

I read a blog yesterday morning and for a few seconds, I was shocked and after the shocked, I am feeling disappointed. It's hurt somehow when people expect too much from me and/or from the cell group I am leading. I have heard the same comment again and again and seriously, I am feeling discouraged. Those who complain, they come to 'receive' and whenever they come, they came with expectation. When it is not fulfilled or didn't reach his/her expectation, they always think it is other's fault. Speaking of being left out, I guess the ONLY person being left out in the group is me. For a year plus I keep on hearing people 'complaining' that I didn't give much attention to them, I didn't spend time with them, I am not close to them anymore, etc. etc. etc. How many do come by and ask how I am instead? Did I ever complain? A cell group contains all sorts of people and some just happen to have an 'angry at all time' face, some just have the "I am proud" face and so what? That's the reason why we are here in the cell. To learn to be like Jesus. To love one another. If it is an easy task, do you think God will set it as a commandment?

To many, I am not sure if I am just too 'convenient' to be 'used'. May be I seldom say "No" to whatever request they have. I always thought I am happy whenever others are happy, but I guess lately I just need to make my stands firm, i.e. that I too is a human being. I can't be 'used' at all time. I too have time when I need something, when I feel like doing something and don't feel like doing something. Yes, I could be more 'flexible' than you are, but it shouldn't mean I am OK with EVERYTHING. Yes, sometimes, I do understand words meant to be joke, but do bear in mind, I too sometimes cannot accept jokes and sometimes, I am fine with it. There are too some issues that I could be sensitive about and some which I don't really care about at all.

I just have to apologise to those who were in my car last night. I was feeling not well and I was hungry, tired, stressful too. When all those come at the same time, I just don't want to get you all involve in any accident if I go through the hills therefore I decided to take a longer but straight road. I even sacrified my hunger for your safety and at the end I realise not only that you don't appreciate it, but also to blame me for taking up your time on the road unnecessarily. Well, may be you still think I shouldn't got into that extent of anger. I guess it's all accumulative stress, hunger, tiredness and so on that you have 'triggled' out with just a few unintentional words. My defence remain: Provocation. Althought it's a defence, but I am still guity as charged and responsible for what I did. Hence, my apologise to you all.

- emotional! -