....beside me

I always see it as a privilege to be able to help others to go through their difficult path in their life. I tried my very best to help and to bless others when they are in that situation. For years, by doing so, I feel I am serving God and man the way God wants me to. I never lost that focus...

Not until I myself was in the most difficult time in my life. I am sure those who knows me for years would agree with me that my life has never been 'smooth' and 'good'. My life has many downs then ups. But when I said, the most difficult time in my life, I mean it... it was indeed the hardest moment in my life, a moment of which, I can't handle it myself, but I need help from people arounds me. Many do know I manage to get out from those difficult time in my life myself, with God. But this one and only time in my life, I asked and requested the help of people arounds me, because I know, I can't do it myself. May be I can, but not as good.

Well, I lost that focus I had for many years, simply because after all I believe and done, it was left alone by those closest to me at the most difficult time in my life. Yes, I know I will be able to go through it at the end (Dad always says, the bad times will end)... and I am going through it after so many months of fighting it alone. But what I believes now is that, I shouldn't ask help in the first place. I do not need God. I don't need people to help me. I only needs myself. Is this good or bad? I don't know. Be it bad, and so be it.... after all, nothing good will happen to me anyway. It has never been anything good. You are right if you are telling me that it's my choice. Yes. it is. But you are contributed to it because that's what you made me believe for months... and if you think that's the best way to handle this, and so do I.

My believe today.... is, NO ONE is beside me...

- ... beside me -