Feeling...

I am not very sure about my own feeling lately. A friend trying to convince me that I need rest but my soul, my mind and my health told me I am ok to go on for a little more while. But at the same time, honestly speaking, I do not feel like doing ANYTHING at all. I can't think of even a single thing that I want to do NOW. Not even eating or sleeping or playing around or travelling or working or anything.... I don't. Hmm... I have lose my enthusiastism and passion towards anything. I do not know why. Can anyone tell me why?

A friend told me it could be because I feel disappointment and discouraged. I think I might have. I am not sure. I feel not tired, but 'lazy' to go on again. I don't feel like moving and trying again. I need time to get healed. I am defeated, even in health. Ya, this is my 2nd week of sickness.

When I was really 'lazy' yesterday, a friend was online and she asked how I am doing. I told her a bit of the story and then she told me a story which really spoke to me. The story she told really touched my heart and she reminded me that of all things that I did, I should keep my focus correctly, and that is only for GOD. If you ask me, I think I remember when was the last time I had such terrible feeling. But that was only part of one of my ministry. But I grew up from there. Took up the challenge and go another few miles. Last month, I had another defeat. Wow... I wonder how many times more I can bear with it. Frankly speaking, my mind and soul are defeated and what is working now is my physical. Thank God that I am 'recovering' from all wounds. At least, I am feeling much better than last few weeks.

If you want to give me a bit of 'help'. Ah... may be you can say a little prayer for me. That's definately going to help. hehehe....

Who is eligible to be a pastor? Well, I do not know what answer you have in your mind. Some think that as long as you are called and you have willing, you will be a pastor. May be I demand a higher standard to be consider. I do agree with the above statement. That's how you are eligible to be a pastor. But to be a GOOD pastor and to be able to feed the lamb and tend the sheeps, I think the requirement should be more than just the above 2 I mentioned earlier. No one want a pastor if that pastor cannot feed me well and/or his attitudes is sickening then edifying others. A friend told me recently about her boyfriend's point of view of a true christian. Wow, I totally agree with him. I can not accept the fact that someone is telling others that he/she is christian but at the same time, doing nasty thing. I was arguing with my partner about one developer about a month ago and suddenly, she said, so what's the different if he is a christian? Everything he does also nasty and all about money. I believe they were right. Even christian, we raise the issue of 'devoted' christian and 'seasons' christian. And even some devoted christian have the worse attitudes and character and principle of life. How many of us understand the meaning of acting like Christ? or acting like a Christian? How many of us manage to fulfil / reach that 'christian' level?

Well, for me I would expect people working in the church as full time administrative staff and pastors are better than those outside the church. However, I keep on encounter pastors and administrative workers in church who disappoint me because they take things for granted. i.e. I am a lawyer. I am a practising lawyer. When I said I am willing to do this and that for this Project A, I mean I am willing to HELP and Contribute. I do not mean I am working FOR a particular person. My giving to God is one point. If you are the pastor in charge for Project A, I would appreciate if things get into my hand not last minute. May be most of the pastors never work outside before that they do not understand the way it should works out. If I am asking another lawyer to help me to do things, I make sure that things is properly prepared and sent to his/her hand. But pastors sometimes left this part out. They took things for granted. Forgetting that we are serving not them ALONE, but others and the Lord. I am not sure how they think, but to me, ... I am serving God as lawyer. Just like them serving God as pastor. If a pastor need respect, we too, need a little respect. Nothing like Pastor has higher ranking than lawyer. I am quite 'sick' with that kind of feeling that some pastor made. Well, like I said, I am sure some of them do not understand the way of 'working'.

See, you are making me to make comparison between church and outside and you can see, I think the way outside world is doing is better than the church. So, why not take the opportunity to learn from it and improve it? Some of course is that individual pastor's attitude instead. Anyway, I thank God because it is HE who judge and not human being. hai.... see, disappointment!!!!

- feeling -