Dad!

Just as I was blogging on my last post, my dad had a stroke and by the time I reached Tawau (straight to the hospital), he was undergoing a surgery. The Dr explained in details what's happening, what are they doing and what's the risk before I signed another 2 forms for 2 more procedures to be carried out in the Operation Theatre. Guess last year was ended and this year begins with very much unexpected experiences.

I have been receiving lots of sms and phone calls... personally from relatives, uncles, aunties, cousins.... all asking me just one question: Are you coping alright? Well, for a simple reason, everyone knows I am my dad's little girl and he loves me a lot and we are very close. Just last month, I believe, I told a friend that, if this is happening, I won't be able to take it and... it happens... well, no matter how much I prepare myself for this day to come, it's some how harder than what I can imagine. My dad has been my guidance and advisor all of my life. At least for the past 36 years. I remember how much time he spent with me, just to make sure I survive each day with joy. I relied on him a lot... to a point, he has to make sure I know how to take care of myself without him, i.e. by making sure I don't always stick with him in Tawau. Make sure that I get my own life, lives outside home - the comfort zone. In my spiritual walk, in learning surviving skills.... everywhere you saw my dad, I was there...most of the time. I have learned skills that he owes, I have learned praying, casting out demons, all that sorts from my dad. He is everything to me... he is the only one I can share my heart with. I sms him more than any human being in this world.

When I was going through the toughest day in my life 2 weeks ago, I told him I will definately won't take my life because I have been through even tougher moments in life and I can do it. He replied " That's my girl" and when I failed the first 2 rounds and I told him I want to do it again for the 3rd time, he said, "yes, I know you can do it!". I did it. I did. Just that I didn't manage to tell him that I have done it. I was waiting to come home to tell him I did it. Well, I only manage to tell him that I am home and I am better and I have done it, without him seeing my expression. I am sure he heards it. We did quite a few things together 2 weeks ago before I took up the challenge to go back to KK to re-gain my 'strength'. We planned to go buy my bed when I came back. Oh well, that's still not done yet. Not that I care about how well I can sleep these days.

Chinese new year is around the corner... and as I came back from hospital after the terrible traffic jam in the town, I looked at the post box in front of my house while waiting for the main gate to open, I realised, it's this time last year that my dad and I went to the shop, bought some paints home and painted our front doors and the post box. It has been a year... and this year, I don't have my dad with me in the house... I came home, went into the computer room and I saw the celcom broadband... and I remember that day when my dad went to the court to fetch me home after my court hearing. We stopped by celcom and gets our broadband sorted. He's so happy about being able to have a faster speed broadband.

I know it is me who makes my dad worries and suffered stroke. I know dad has been worry about my job and my sicknesses. He encouraged me to take up the firm but when I called him and told him about my sickness on 29th December 2010, he asked me don't take up the firm, take a rest and go for holiday or come home. I know he wants me to enjoy my life. He knows I am not happen, upset and feeling hopelessness. It reminds me of how much time he spent just to pray for me. Yes, for all these 36 years of life, I went through many difficulties in life, ... because I have a father who interceds for me.

Just before he was attacked by stroke, he shared with a few church members about worrying about my job and my sickness. I know I shouldn't blame myself over this, but, nope. ... it's so hard not to. But I do promise my dad that I will be his little girl again... to lives happily in the days to come. There's just so many memories we shared together... and I really miss my dad ...

Few days walking to and fro from the hospital, we met quite a number of people....whom recognised dad and was shocked to find him in the ward. Many are the parents of my dad's students. Some, we do not know them at all, but they were my dad's students, etc. Most of them are successful Datuks, professionals, professors in the universities, doctors these days... and most of them came around and told us what good deeds dad has done in their life. There's this haji who came in and told me all about what dad has helped his children. I remember dad took us to the Ice Box in Tawau and how close he always be with the parents of his students and his students. We met a research clerk in the hospital in the afternoon who took the efforts to came up to visit him this morning and told us that she is my dad's student and he just saw his name. She said she will inform all the students of his. I guess the whole Tawau has found out that dad is in the hospital now...

The captain from M.V. Hannah came and prayed for dad this afternoon (I was too tired and I couldn't wake up at all), and according to my brother, dad moved his body during that prayer.

Well, I seriously miss him... especially when I am at the situation where, no one is hearing me out here.... I am not so sure which one is harder to bear, losing friends (they are around but don't really care) or losing my dad.... but it's certainly the hardest when I need to cope with these 2 at the same time together with my own sickness and job issue.

All I can do now is really shout at Him and ask Him for his mercy .... Lord, have mercy on me!

- Dad! -