My mother who is 79 years old this year told me most of her days are in a 'not fit' condition these days and so, I told her, if you woke up that day and you are in good shape and mood, do as much as you can as you might not know if you can do that the next day. She agreed.
Well, that's me for the past few years. Been in the state of 'dunno if I am fit to finish my task tomorrow and so I need to finish it while I can'. People do not understand what it means. Most of them told me not to do so much in a day. They don't know I do have a few days or weeks which I couldn't get much work done. I will finish the assignment, or the submission, or the issuance of the letters, bank transactions, bankers' cheques application, etc. in a day if I am able to. I won't wait and get it done the next day, because i might not be able to do that the next day.
Be it a planned holiday or not, some of the days, I am well, some, I am not. Those who travel with me would have noticed that too even though most of them thought it is just emotions. Sadly, it is NOT just emotions. Those who is able to embraced it is brilliant especially those who are 'near' and yet still giving me my privacy when i needed. When I am silence... they wont' disturb, until it is TOO silence for too long, a gentle reminder usually given and a gentle drag will usually executed. I seriously appreciate that a lot.
Many has forgotten what I said earlier on or rather, they thought it will no longer apply to me today. But unfortunately, it's still the same. I cannot change the condition in my brain, I cannot take control of when I will die or lives, or whether I want the way I want it. It's just not possible. The only changes today is, I will tend to shun away from things that's very much bothering me to lives a life I am already struggling with. Be it people, or matters or anything that I think it's too much to bear, I will give up. Issues which to me has been settled and resurfaced again, I will end up stop bothering it and let it be gone forever. Well, to many these are very self-central. True and I admitted it completely. This is simply because I have other issues to focus to. My parents, my job and my studies and I think I have enough to 'burden' my brain with already.
The bible says, think of what's good and beautiful and what's positive and nice. So, I will. I do not want to regret about my life if i couldn't wake up the next day anymore and realised I am already in the heaven with the Lord. Each day, I am living and still do.... like it is my last day.
For those who cannot understand, unable to handle who I am, I am sorry. I have to let you go. If you see me as selfish and bad, be it as it is. I just couldn't afford to handle 'stress' like this anymore. Thanks for being around for a while.
- Living each day as it is my last. -
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Alone?
A lot of people been trying to feed themselves with understanding that (a) human is best not to be lives alone (b) social attention is needed and (c) we must get married or be with someone we love. I, however, have the opinion through experience that this might not be what we deemed as 'normal' or 'best way' of life. No. I am not against people being socialising with other human / pet. I am just saying, it should not apply equally beneficial to all human God created. My argument is that, every human being God created is unique and walk a different path with Him according to His Will. I do agree that God created man and women. I do agree that God created everything good. My question not is, is God creating divorce? singleness? loneliness? Majority of people might be having the thought that those are not 'normal' because majority are doing the 'norm'. Is that mean doing the 'minority' is deemed to be 'wrong'?
We can agree with one firm needs a few lawyers to operate. I can also agree that one firm run by only the sole lawyer. You may agree that living in a landed house is better than condominium, I would beg to defer that idea. I think, it is best that, one lives their own lives with God's Will sorted. One thing i like the most about England is that, we mind our own business.
I don't like (everyone arounds me be it close or less close knows) a person next to me that's always nagging, controlling, forceful and deciding things for me. Well, 'like' is an understatement. I HATE it a lot and i will make sure i 'leave' those persons behind and away from my life.
Worse still, those who seek attention from me. Goodness, if I happen to be caring and loving you, stop 'demanding' it more from me at my cost. stop making it sounds like, i owe you a million. Demanding and asking those from me is like bagger, alright? And no, I don't usually give to bagger. I always ask why do they have to bag. Do I ? It's a mentality and how much you are willing to work to get your life changed. Be it bagger, i think some of them are still struggling through by 'working' on making a life. I always look at those who see "Big Issue" on the street whenever I get the chance to in the Broadmead, Bristol. Or those who play music or guitars to get a living. Mind you, some of them are even millionaire.
All i am saying it, I am quite sure I don't like to get around with people who loves to nag, control, forceful and deciding things for me. Worse still, demanded that everything I do shall be with them, etc. I do have other friends, relatives, and a life to work on. Don't make me lose my life because of you. My life doesn't surrounded by just one person. My ultimate concern is still my parents and myself - my career, my studies, my entertainment, my time with my friends, church.
Being alone is wrong? I don't think so. I think life is better be alone rather than being 'changed' or controlled by others. I am better or well focus whenever I am alone. So, stay away from me if you want to control my life, i.e. including who i get along with or what kind of movie i want to watch. If you don't like my choices, stay away from me. Respect is to be earned.
- Alone? -
We can agree with one firm needs a few lawyers to operate. I can also agree that one firm run by only the sole lawyer. You may agree that living in a landed house is better than condominium, I would beg to defer that idea. I think, it is best that, one lives their own lives with God's Will sorted. One thing i like the most about England is that, we mind our own business.
I don't like (everyone arounds me be it close or less close knows) a person next to me that's always nagging, controlling, forceful and deciding things for me. Well, 'like' is an understatement. I HATE it a lot and i will make sure i 'leave' those persons behind and away from my life.
Worse still, those who seek attention from me. Goodness, if I happen to be caring and loving you, stop 'demanding' it more from me at my cost. stop making it sounds like, i owe you a million. Demanding and asking those from me is like bagger, alright? And no, I don't usually give to bagger. I always ask why do they have to bag. Do I ? It's a mentality and how much you are willing to work to get your life changed. Be it bagger, i think some of them are still struggling through by 'working' on making a life. I always look at those who see "Big Issue" on the street whenever I get the chance to in the Broadmead, Bristol. Or those who play music or guitars to get a living. Mind you, some of them are even millionaire.
All i am saying it, I am quite sure I don't like to get around with people who loves to nag, control, forceful and deciding things for me. Worse still, demanded that everything I do shall be with them, etc. I do have other friends, relatives, and a life to work on. Don't make me lose my life because of you. My life doesn't surrounded by just one person. My ultimate concern is still my parents and myself - my career, my studies, my entertainment, my time with my friends, church.
Being alone is wrong? I don't think so. I think life is better be alone rather than being 'changed' or controlled by others. I am better or well focus whenever I am alone. So, stay away from me if you want to control my life, i.e. including who i get along with or what kind of movie i want to watch. If you don't like my choices, stay away from me. Respect is to be earned.
- Alone? -
Saturday, March 05, 2016
Application
It is weird, that... most people are very self-focus. They deed that whatever they do, as long as it is for their own benefit or their own happiness, they deemed as others also will feel the same. It's weird, which people never thought of the impact that they will give to the 'recipient'. No. Of course... that never cross their mind. If it ever does, it must be after the make their own 'assumption', i.e. they THINK how other fees, they THINk that's what the best for other, they THINK what they did will be beneficial to the recipient and that whatever they did, it is never near the line - WRONG.
Unfortunately, these people also those who cannot accept the fact when the recipient told them, what they did annoyed them and bring them discomfort. They somehow, insisted, that the recipient was wrong in having such thinking and the recipient had put up accusation on them and their well-intents. Still, they tend to think, ... as long as what they did is deemed right to them, what the recipient feels and do, is somehow, WRONG and they must be the one wrong because they now accused them for things that's purportedly to be wrong.
I am not a person who can feel loved when someone took control of my life. Unless some, who only feels good, loved, and belonged whenever their lives is being controlled by someone. I don't. I am just not those people. Since young, I don't ask others for their 'permission' for things i want or do not want to do. Somehow, I am seeing this from my niece these days. Others, me including can feel so annoyed by such characters and attitudes. But that's US. We don't like people controlling us. We don't like people telling us what to do. I got angry with my mom nagging me to go haircut and when she stepped over the line by making appointment for me, that's it. I am NOT talking to her the whole day. Line cannot be crossed. Once crossed, that's it.... and don't expect me to take that line off by just saying 'sorry'. It doesn't work that way at all.
I could be silent towards your 'suggestion' but if i didn't 'act' on it, stop the issue there and then. I allow you to give suggestion, but doesn't mean you are smarter than me and can make a better decision for me and I therefore have to follow your decision.
Those who knows me well would have know it. I love my freedom. I don't like to be 'controlled'. I must say, I hate having people acted like a boss or princess or king and asked me to COMPLY to what they demand me for. I am not one who will bow down towards your threat, your begging, you crying, your duress, coercion. The more this is done, the more I won't bother much. That's me.
I know there are a lot of people who are self-focus and selfish. Accusing me for not forgiving them even for what they did. But they never understand and examine themselves what they did and what impact they made before shifting that blames to me. All they saw is they already apologised. Damages that caused that I am still trying to solve for MONTHS..... did they see it? I bet they didn't even notice. Does apologising is good enough and that everything will resolved thereafter? Come on.... if you happen to put Diesel in your Petrol car... the action is done. Saying a word of 'sorry' doesn't mean the diesel will turn into petrol and all things will resolved completely. I still need to do the necessary to change it and it costs right? It takes time isn't it?
This is not kindergarten where you are allowed to make mistakes and walk away with it by just apologising. Even if my niece and nephew made a mistake, they have to apologise, and then amended it. Apologising itself doesn't help much. An adult should know better. By apologising and walked away in your adulthood, it is call irresponsible. Say sorry, left the place and let me sort out the mess and then blamed me for accusing you because I didn't accept your apologise? This is totally unacceptable. By right, you made the bloody mistakes and you are to sort that out. Why me?
These days, whoever make a mistake because they didn't ask, they acted smart, they PAID for it. Sometimes, some people, just need to grow up and learn things. As much as I wish others to be able to be more mature, ... there are still people having their age growing up, but not their intelligent and emotions. Sadly, the number is rising with the younger generation and I am seriously having difficulties understanding them. That includes, they haven't help their bosses to earn a penny and yet they are asking the bosses for salary so that they can afford a good life. Once, a boss asked me during my interview, how much I am wiling to help him earn in a month. He, later told me he expect me to earn triple of what he paid me and he asked if I can do that. I was only asking for RM2,800.00. Can you help your employer to earn RM8,400.00 a month? Most graduates now a day asking for RM4000. Are you able to help your employer to earn RM12,000.00? Don't be selfish .. even in seeking a job.
- Application -
Unfortunately, these people also those who cannot accept the fact when the recipient told them, what they did annoyed them and bring them discomfort. They somehow, insisted, that the recipient was wrong in having such thinking and the recipient had put up accusation on them and their well-intents. Still, they tend to think, ... as long as what they did is deemed right to them, what the recipient feels and do, is somehow, WRONG and they must be the one wrong because they now accused them for things that's purportedly to be wrong.
I am not a person who can feel loved when someone took control of my life. Unless some, who only feels good, loved, and belonged whenever their lives is being controlled by someone. I don't. I am just not those people. Since young, I don't ask others for their 'permission' for things i want or do not want to do. Somehow, I am seeing this from my niece these days. Others, me including can feel so annoyed by such characters and attitudes. But that's US. We don't like people controlling us. We don't like people telling us what to do. I got angry with my mom nagging me to go haircut and when she stepped over the line by making appointment for me, that's it. I am NOT talking to her the whole day. Line cannot be crossed. Once crossed, that's it.... and don't expect me to take that line off by just saying 'sorry'. It doesn't work that way at all.
I could be silent towards your 'suggestion' but if i didn't 'act' on it, stop the issue there and then. I allow you to give suggestion, but doesn't mean you are smarter than me and can make a better decision for me and I therefore have to follow your decision.
Those who knows me well would have know it. I love my freedom. I don't like to be 'controlled'. I must say, I hate having people acted like a boss or princess or king and asked me to COMPLY to what they demand me for. I am not one who will bow down towards your threat, your begging, you crying, your duress, coercion. The more this is done, the more I won't bother much. That's me.
I know there are a lot of people who are self-focus and selfish. Accusing me for not forgiving them even for what they did. But they never understand and examine themselves what they did and what impact they made before shifting that blames to me. All they saw is they already apologised. Damages that caused that I am still trying to solve for MONTHS..... did they see it? I bet they didn't even notice. Does apologising is good enough and that everything will resolved thereafter? Come on.... if you happen to put Diesel in your Petrol car... the action is done. Saying a word of 'sorry' doesn't mean the diesel will turn into petrol and all things will resolved completely. I still need to do the necessary to change it and it costs right? It takes time isn't it?
This is not kindergarten where you are allowed to make mistakes and walk away with it by just apologising. Even if my niece and nephew made a mistake, they have to apologise, and then amended it. Apologising itself doesn't help much. An adult should know better. By apologising and walked away in your adulthood, it is call irresponsible. Say sorry, left the place and let me sort out the mess and then blamed me for accusing you because I didn't accept your apologise? This is totally unacceptable. By right, you made the bloody mistakes and you are to sort that out. Why me?
These days, whoever make a mistake because they didn't ask, they acted smart, they PAID for it. Sometimes, some people, just need to grow up and learn things. As much as I wish others to be able to be more mature, ... there are still people having their age growing up, but not their intelligent and emotions. Sadly, the number is rising with the younger generation and I am seriously having difficulties understanding them. That includes, they haven't help their bosses to earn a penny and yet they are asking the bosses for salary so that they can afford a good life. Once, a boss asked me during my interview, how much I am wiling to help him earn in a month. He, later told me he expect me to earn triple of what he paid me and he asked if I can do that. I was only asking for RM2,800.00. Can you help your employer to earn RM8,400.00 a month? Most graduates now a day asking for RM4000. Are you able to help your employer to earn RM12,000.00? Don't be selfish .. even in seeking a job.
- Application -
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