Living each day as it is my last.

My mother who is 79 years old this year told me most of her days are in a 'not fit' condition these days and so, I told her, if you woke up that day and you are in good shape and mood, do as much as you can as you might not know if you can do that the next day.  She agreed.

Well, that's me for the past few years.  Been in the state of 'dunno if I am fit to finish my task tomorrow and so I need to finish it while I can'.  People do not understand what it means.  Most of them told me not to do so much in a day.  They don't know I do have a few days or weeks which I couldn't get much work done.  I will finish the assignment, or the submission, or the issuance of the letters, bank transactions, bankers' cheques application, etc. in a day if I am able to.  I won't wait and get it done the next day, because i might not be able to do that the next day.

Be it a planned holiday or not, some of the days, I am well, some, I am not.  Those who travel with me would have noticed that too even though most of them thought it is just emotions.  Sadly, it is NOT just emotions.  Those who is able to embraced it is brilliant especially those who are 'near' and yet still giving me my privacy when i needed.  When I am silence... they wont' disturb, until it is TOO silence for too long, a gentle reminder usually given and a gentle drag will usually executed.  I seriously appreciate that a lot.

Many has forgotten what I said earlier on or rather, they thought it will no longer apply to me today.  But unfortunately, it's still the same.  I cannot change the condition in my brain, I cannot take control of when I will die or lives, or whether I want the way I want it.  It's just not possible.  The only changes today is, I will tend to shun away from things that's very much bothering me to lives a life I am already struggling with.  Be it people, or matters or anything that I think it's too much to bear, I will give up.  Issues which to me has been settled and resurfaced again, I will end up stop bothering it and let it be gone forever. Well, to many these are very self-central.  True and I admitted it completely.  This is simply because I have other issues to focus to.  My parents, my job and my studies and I think I have enough to 'burden' my brain with already.

The bible says, think of what's good and beautiful and what's positive and nice.  So, I will.  I do not want to regret about my life if i couldn't wake up the next day anymore and realised I am already in the heaven with the Lord.  Each day, I am living and still do.... like it is my last day.

For those who cannot understand, unable to handle who I am, I am sorry.  I have to let you go.  If you see me as selfish and bad, be it as it is.  I just couldn't afford to handle 'stress' like this anymore. Thanks for being around for a while.

- Living each day as it is my last. -