Lost of confidence?

It caught my attention while sorting out some matters I filed earlier on, and after I read through all those pleadings I have done, I puzzled and wonder, how come I was dare to file such application or suits in the civil court.  I puzzled because, none of them, I was certain about getting what I prayed for and obviously, I have done more than what I know the law permits.  In a way, I challenged the law a lot for the past few years.  To my amazement, I got through them all.  So, I wonder if my 'thinking' is as straight as the laws suppose to be somehow.

Same matters came up again... in front of my clients, I talked about what we did and got and so the chances is to me, high enough to proceed.  But, inside me, I am not as confidence as I used to me.  I wonder and ponder and have been holding up matters for month or months now, refusing to sort that out and file them in court.

Reality however kicks in, and I am in need of monies and so, I am now pushed to get it done.  But the thing is, I tend to me lack of confidence, as I re-check the research and cases again and again and again and again..... and yet, no drafting has yet to have been completed.

Am I lacking of confidence or am I being more senior now that I do not want to embarrass myself anymore? In a way, am I now cannot afford to make mistake? That reminds me what my ex-bosses (master) told me, that I should make every single mistakes during my junior time, especially pupillage, which I obviously did and due to the fact that I do not have anyone guiding me through after my pupillage, I struggled through everything myself by banging my head on the wall.  Now that everyone knows who is Lin Pei San in court, I have to behave.

Well, reality strike, I HAVE to do what I ought to do in this profession, even without any confidence.  I am grateful to my master (Tawau) that he emailed me and told me that even him, realised how much I have improved in my drafting, and so on.  Well, that helps a bit, but I am still challenging the laws that's uncertain in this country so far and I wonder how far can this go.

- Lost of confidence? -

Part of life...

I was sitting down with a friend over lunch... and suddenly, she raised the issue that, i shouldn't have bother about her and I should just go do what I like, i.e. move out from KK.  This, raised, when she realised that all my closest friends, are residing in either US or UK or Australia (and I am certainly being reminded).  That's right, I have a lots of friends and I do have close friends.... just that, they are all oversea, not in Malaysia.  I guess one of the reason why people think i ought to belong to 'oversea' countries because .... life styles here are just not what I can adopt easily.
But over the years, this is what I think.... everywhere is the same (may be I am old enough to think that way) because all that I need is a job, earning capacity, and home.  I cannot remember when was the last time I went out for yum cha with friends or movies with friends or dinner with friends.... there's not many in KK for me to hang around with really and even if I get invited, I would rather stay at home.  That's the 'problem'. hahahahaha....
All I need to do now is to make sure that, I earn enough so that I can have enough to travel to visit all my friends occasionally (my only hobby now).  US is probably next if not Melbourne, to visit my cousins.  For an obvious reason, I have more friends in UK still.  But I do have lots of relatives and friends in Australia and Canada.
It's part of life.  Everyone is having their own life to lives at. Me, at the age of 40, may be i should think about what to do after 60 too.  I hope, by then, my house has fully paid for, I have extra savings for travelling and enjoy - only if I am not dead yet.
Suddenly, I am missing everyone.  Could be the loneliness after a few days (if not weeks) of meeting friends and family members.
Guess, at some point of life, I do need to lives 'alone' and guess that's part of my life.
- Part of life -

Treasure-s

When I stepped into my place, i realised, it's over....they have left. I just say bye to them...shook their hand and... Off they go, departed.... 

I somehow forgot how much I missed them....and I forgot how much I love them. I didn't spend much time with them during Chinese New Year in tawau because I know she has a lot of people to meet and I have a few days having them with me in kk.... 

I was not well and I was exhausted due to work before they arrive.... But somehow their presence brought me much joy. 

I don't know when will I see them again.... And I certainly dunno how much longer our friendship will last... But it reminds me, we have been through really a lot.....together.... Even though it has been lesser for the past few years.... 

I have never this emotional .... But after saying bye to them this time round somehow make me wonder... Will i lose them soon..... This feeling..... It has been a while.... A long while.... Guess my cold heart has just been melted.....again. 

It must be God who's trying to make me 'feel' that again..... 

I really treasure this friendship.... Be it good or bad.... I did and I am....if I don't see them anymore, .... I have no regret....

- treasure -