End of 2014

Somehow, when my mind reach the entering of 2015, my heart and body shakes...  it must be the uncertainty due to GST, due to bad economic, etc.  Nothing seems promising.  Everyone talks about their fear and except those who are working for others, the rest of us have not been having good sleeps ever since the announcement of implementing the GST.

To come to think of it, nothing seems to be promising and all all these while to be serious... and so, I asked God once again.... am I not putting my life in your hand and that I let you lead me through? Have I ever once in the past few years, had suffered financial constrains and yet cannot cope with it? Financial difficulties has never left me. It is still and it might be still in the future.  So, what am I afraid of if i have God to be with me?

This morning, a long waited result from the Land office finally arrived after 3 months of waiting.  It's in my favour.  Again, I have not lose a case this year, still. No record has been break until this 2nd last week of 2014.

I am not sure if this will be better or worse, but I do know, I am contented.  I have not lack of anything so far.  In 2014, I have had the chance to go back to England again.  Going 'home' always warmed my heart and pushed me to walk further.  It's a motivation.  With so many disasters for Malaysia in 2014, it finally will end soon.  I hope next year, life will be better for everyone.

- End of 2014 -

Needs? Desire?

I am taking a scale on my hand, putting some 'values' on the left and to the right..... and I am considering to withdraw from my LLM programme which I have put so much efforts on for the past one year.  Simply because due to some misunderstanding, the actual fees invoiced is not as what I was told and/or expected and/or budgeted.  So, either, I stop it, or I continue.
I have been asking the same question again and again as to whether I need to study this course.  It would definitely something 'earned' if I do want to continue.  But at the same time, I am not rich.  I do not have 'extra' cash to study.  It will add on to the financial burden I have been carrying on.  Life might not be as 'luxury' and comfortable if I wish to continue.
I was thinking to withdraw the course yesterday.  Today, I just wanted to continue for another semester if that's allowed (at the time of writing, I am still waiting for email from my personal tutor).

Do i need the course? Well, seriously.... I don't know.  To use it for my professional career, may be not.  To embark into teaching career, may be yes.  To give me something to look forward to and to motivate me and to keep me sane, definitely yes.  I seriously do not have much things to look forward to in life.  I do not have a child that's growing up and expecting my child to reach different level of age and life, etc.  No.  I do not have much to 'expect'.  If I am losing this, I guess, all i have is at work.  I have lost my 'services' in the church for years now. Now with this.... all i am worry is, whether i will go depress again.

So, besides work, it will be home to watch TV and that's all?

I don't know seriously.....

- Needs? Desire? -

Different feeling....

While others are preparing for the arrival of Christmas, I have the task to finish off 2 assignments which due on the 5th January 2015.  I am half way through one of them, which I hope I can finish it by Monday and to start another one on Tuesday onwards.  Well, I am hoping that I can finish everything before I go back for Christmas on the 21st day of December 2014.  

FB has been showing a lot of pictures and events going on during this Christmas season.  That reminds me, usually during this week of every year, I will be very busy writing christmas card to be send out before the 5th so that it will reach before Christmas.  Besides that, I usually gets very busy with carolling, with church events, with practices, etc. etc.  I was trying to remember when was the last time I had that.  I guess it's 2010. I didn't manage to go to church in 2011 Christmas due to my sickness. I flew off to HK on the 27th and I was there until 2nd Jan 2012 before I flew back to KL and then to Tawau straight.  I love that few weeks of freedom and holiday, away from work completely and just relax and sleep and chill. Being alone in HK is seriously cool.  No one seems to bothered by me being alone.  They still celebrated Christmas and new year with me, making sure, I get the fun too.  That's what non discrimination means to me. 

Well, I didn't get to attached with a church that needs my service ever since.  And since then, Christmas has been 'peace and quiet' to me.  Spent the last 3 years Christmas with my parents.  Baked some cakes and biscuits, cooked some meals and decorated my balcony at KK condo.  Relaxing... seriously...... and I forgot what sort of fun I have on Christmas.  Seriously, I do miss being part of the 'celebration' but may be it is an age thing.... I feel I do need some peace and quiet.  Seeing some photos friends posted from US and UK, ... that makes me wonder if I can spend one of the Christmas in England again, probably 2016.  Well, let's hope I can finish this course and graduated smoothly by 2016 May and I can choose to have my graduation in November.  Then... I will probably go away for a month or two.  That's the best thing about having join 2 other senior lawyers as partners. 

I guess, I have never get myself adopted in Malaysia after all.  Was the conviction i had was manifested in the wrong way? Did He not sent me back here to serve Him? What have I done for the past 14 years doesn't seems to have make any sense to this calling at all.  Worse still, I got defeated because I stand up for Him.  I am still catching my breath... but at the same time, inside me, I am crying out to God, to send me back.  "I want to go home".  That's what I am shouting every single minute of life.  Lord... please...!!!

I won't be able to know what will happen to be these few months if not because of my studies.  Life become so meaningless... 

This Christmas?  I guess it is another year I am calling out to God to let me have a good sleep and rest before I return to work.  I have completely lack of passion and expectation towards Christmas. Be it, the real meaning or any other meaning... 

- Different feeling ... -