Worse year?

"Everyone will have the worse year in their life, mine was 2009, when was yours?"  Hmm.... I did ponder for a while after I heard this.  And I cannot remember, was it 2010 or 2011? I think it started in 2010 but I suffered all the 'consequences'/aftermath in 2011? Anyway, I think it's more than 1 year. Those were the days I lost myself, my right mind, work/career, the church, friends and dad.  Life isn't the same anymore after 2011.  

Amazing, just when I thought I lost them all, through it, I have more gain then losses.  I found even better career, better job, better income, better mindset, better church, better friends, and dad is still encouraging me if you haven't realised.  I have definitely found my mom.  I have never been this close with my mom and I just got closer to her more and more.  

I realised in court these days, be it the senior lawyers, junior lawyers, the court clerks, the judges.... they all kind of know me.  Ever since I witnessed lawyers being scolded by judges and that I realised I wasn't being scolded for a long period of time, I know I was trained well and I certainly did not offended any judges so far.  

Life did took a sharp turn after all.  I am reminded of course, even though I experienced worse year, by holding on to Him (not the church), God will protect, protest, bless and provide.  So, if you are in your worse year, hold on to Him.  It will be over soon (my dad always told me, all bad things will end) and blessings will follow thereafter.  

- Worse year? - 

I am surprised!

I remember how much people took me and my good heart for granted.  For many years, this had been something difficult for me to change.  Well, I wasn't thinking of changing it for good.  It's just that I think I need to at least evaluate whether it is worth to act good on certain people, certain circumstances.  I guess, not many  realised that it is harder for me to get involved and be good for church matters these days.  When I first realised the church needs help, it didn't strike me that I need to help them.  I shun away, I didn't bother much.  My first reaction was simple, no reaction. 

I am surprised when I was asked to help and my respond was, no answer, no respond, change topic.  MC was asking politely, but I didn't answer her directly and instead, topic changed and I deemed the matter is closed and I didn't mention about it thereafter.  No.  I did not bother to help.  I didn't bother to even look into the matter and to give suggestion as to how the problem is to be solved.  Instead, I gave some advice as to how she should do to protect herself, etc.  I know since she knew me for more than 20 over years and she's under my leadership for at least 8 to 12 years, she's not only shock, but wonder if I am alright.  

We talked about the matter again few days later, and knowing and realised how much she wanted to know what happen to me, I told her how and why I ended up suffered from major depression few years back.  Having recovered from that, I am putting a shield over myself, first, I have to take into account the issue as to how much I can handle.  Church, leaderships, ministries, are just not something I want to touch on at the moment.  May be not for the next few years.  No one knows.  

If you think it's work, friendships and all that stressed me out few years back, you have got it all wrong.  I am definitely 100% more stress at my work now compare to few years back.  I am definitely having more debts now then few years back.  I am definitely more stress now with additional travelling to and fro KK and Tawau and my Masters (LLM) course.  I am definitely more stress in my commitment, my handling of the firm, etc.  But none of these are making me feel drained, feel depressed.  Instead, I can laugh out loud any time, etc.  

I am surprised myself as to what exactly that caused me depressed.  It's definitely not what we think it is. 

- I am surprised! - 

Find something to do when you do not have anything to do.

No.  That's not exactly what it's supposed to mean even though in English, that's how it is phrased.  It is supposed to be : 沒事找事來做。 This HK series reminded me so much about what I step I took when I was down, cannot fall asleep, etc.  I ended up, cooked a few cakes, cleaned a few places, builded a few cupboards, read a few books (9 books in 3 months), painted a few rooms, fixed a few door knobs, etc. etc.  I have agree with the HK series that, it works.  When recalled those days where I can only fall asleep at 3am and woke up at 5am, having no mood to watch TV and yet feeling energetic.  If not because I keep myself busy, I wouldn't have get over that period so soon.

I cannot remember when was the first smile or first laugh i put on my face after I took that step.  I cannot remember how long it lasted too.  But I do realised my laughters got louder and louder, to a point SM and VT always have to find a place in the corner when I tagged along for dinner. hahahahahahahahaha.......  I don't care.  I just wanna laugh.  Let the whole world jealous.  Let it be.

Well, is my current situation improved so much compare to few years back? I don't think so.  But I can smile and laugh louder and louder these days.  I guess, I am just not as stressed and I am not as bothered about the 'situation' anymore.  Having to know someone is loving me and caring me (which I can very much feel) has somehow added to the laughters, despite the difficulties in life.

I guess, I just need to learn to keep finding something to laugh at.  My mom is my best example.  She has really laid a very good testimony for me (but she stopped me from laughing to loud at night some time. Hahaha.....).

So, if you are having sleepless nights, try find something to do.  Go out to have a walk, buy something, go Tuaran to look for a friend, go Kudat to look for friend, go Tenom to look for friend, etc.  I always pushed myself to go Tuaran to look for Lisa Kong.  I also pushed myself to go out to play some pool with Danny, etc.  There's just so many people who has contributed to my "to-do list". I am forever thankful and grateful of having them around.

- Find something to do -