New Friends?

Those who left me told me I should go out and find new friends as they won't bother about me anymore. It's such pain to heard this from someone you spent almost everything and everytime with for the past few years. Sacrificed so much of money, time and energy on them and yet when I needed a hand, that's what they told me. To find new friends.  Who doesn't know friends do come and go at different times? With less contact, doesn't mean, I lost them. But what they told me was a complete act of disowning me as their friends.  Worse still, they were the closest to me (they are still, unfortunately) and yet they cannot understand the pain I am suffering every single day.  I don't see much of people every single day.  I do not have colleague.  I do not have anyone to share my burden with because it's all private and confidential and most of the people I know, they don't understand a life of a lawyer.  Do I need them to understand what and how I conduct my professions? Nope. By being around me for the past few years, includes me in their holidays, includes me in their pain and suffering and problem, had enough to made me feel welcome.
Unfortunately, due to my sickness, I am completely being rejected.  Understood no one want a 'burden' like me around them.  Understood no one love me either.  That's not a first day issue I know.  Worse is, they tend to go further after they know i am sick.  That's the most hurting part.  No matter how much I tried, they gets ever more further and all they said was, they can't help.  Not knowing, all they need was to include me, to call me once in a while, come out with me sometimes, keep in touch instead of a total silence as if I do not exist. Well...

Did I not look for new friends? But with being disowned by church, with no colleague, with no social life and connection at all, I can't see how I can be 're-connected' anymore.  I can only sure that, sooner or later, I will just give up trying to continue living. Even stranger whom I bought guava with will smile at me and tell me which one is better. Those whom I love and care for for years, told me to look for other friends instead. And still call themselves loving God.  I don't know how does all these work. I cannot understand at all... There's no way I can understand all these... sorry. Am too stupid to understand.
- New Friends? -

Priority

Mom:  Your brother is at Sydney now.  You know?
Me:  Nope.
Mom:  Has he ever call you or come and visit you?
Me:  Nope.
Mom:  They didn't call you at all since CNY?
Me:  Yup.
Mom:  Haiz... you 2.  When will you two's relationship will get better?
Me:  Mom, you know it will never be.  No point I keep on putting on efforts and the other party is not, right?
Mom:  True.  May be they are just too busy.  You must understand.
Me:  Mom, do you think I am not busy?  It's all about priority.
Mom:  True lah.  I know you are very busy at work, trying to earn as much to cover expenses and to pay off workers and your own's expenses, taking efforts to fly back every now and then to see us.  Thank God you don't have a family to take care of.
Me:  Mom, one shall never take family or marriage or ministries as one of the excuse for not fulfilling certain responsibilities.  It's very irresponsible to say that.  Wife should be the husband's helper according to the bible, i.e. to be able to do MORE things for the Lord and fulfil MORE responsibility.  Not less.
Mom:  That's right... hmm...
Me:  I never uses my sickness as one of the excuse that I can't work, I can't serve the Lord, I can't come back on weekend, etc. did I?
Mom:  Yeah...
Me:  It's just a matter of heart.
Mom:  True.  Just try to lives a happy life..
Me:  I am.
(Mind you all, Just for the air tickets, I have been in debts for months now. But is that an excuse not to go back?)
- Priority -

Lived? living?

Amazing when MRI reviewed certain things in my brain ... which makes me feel like I have been carrying a bomb with me for the past 37 years and I am still risking that it will explore anytime... hmm... the thing is, it is better without knowing it than knowing it. OBVIOUSLY! Anyway, looks like it affects me more these few years and that's the cause of everything that went wrong.  Damn!  Well, just like I am born with Thalasemia or G6PD. Well... not that I can wish it away can I? I am waiting for the day to come.  So are you. hahaha.. so, I am no difference than you all.  After all,  besides suffering from it and getting affected by it, I am just like the rest of you who is waiting for the time to come. Well, I am getting more tired each day, I am getting harder and harder to get up each morning and my motivation is 10% out of 100%.  How long will I lives? WHO CARES? hehe... I just need to remember to enjoy every single day as it is my last day. That's all... Everything else are arranged for my sudden departure. So, that's alright.
-Lived? Living? -