It's a new day, it's a new vision....

When I first got sick, my dad only told me one thing.... that may be throught this, God shows me what ministry I am to get involved with. With all these, many will be blessed through me. Few weeks after he told me that, a friend who is a missionary came to visit me from Singapore and she said the same thing.

I was doing some packing lately and I came across a book Rev. Sng gave me many years ago. I read that book again and it's just like a confirmation that something new, something big and something amazing are going to happen in my life. I wish I am not only 'dreaming' to do something good for the Lord, but will actually do it.

Every morning, I woke up and tell myself, it's a new day, it's a new vision.... even if no one understand and supportive.... I will still do for the Lord, not for the people or clergy.

- It's a new day, it's a new vision -

....beside me

I always see it as a privilege to be able to help others to go through their difficult path in their life. I tried my very best to help and to bless others when they are in that situation. For years, by doing so, I feel I am serving God and man the way God wants me to. I never lost that focus...

Not until I myself was in the most difficult time in my life. I am sure those who knows me for years would agree with me that my life has never been 'smooth' and 'good'. My life has many downs then ups. But when I said, the most difficult time in my life, I mean it... it was indeed the hardest moment in my life, a moment of which, I can't handle it myself, but I need help from people arounds me. Many do know I manage to get out from those difficult time in my life myself, with God. But this one and only time in my life, I asked and requested the help of people arounds me, because I know, I can't do it myself. May be I can, but not as good.

Well, I lost that focus I had for many years, simply because after all I believe and done, it was left alone by those closest to me at the most difficult time in my life. Yes, I know I will be able to go through it at the end (Dad always says, the bad times will end)... and I am going through it after so many months of fighting it alone. But what I believes now is that, I shouldn't ask help in the first place. I do not need God. I don't need people to help me. I only needs myself. Is this good or bad? I don't know. Be it bad, and so be it.... after all, nothing good will happen to me anyway. It has never been anything good. You are right if you are telling me that it's my choice. Yes. it is. But you are contributed to it because that's what you made me believe for months... and if you think that's the best way to handle this, and so do I.

My believe today.... is, NO ONE is beside me...

- ... beside me -

What's important?

Magic! Without friends, without my dad, without a job, without my possession, without my brain, without money, etc.... and I managed to survived for the past 6 months, with just medication and a dr. That sums up how much I need those things and people around. I always believe being able to find someone to talk to me, will help me with making my thinking correctly. I told my friends exactly that months ago, asked them to help me with my thinking. Sadly, they flee away and leaving me with my thoughts alone. So, the only way to deal with it is through medication. I don't have a choice. Gladly, with medication, I manage to 'survive' until today.

Now, if you ask me what do I rely on to survive these days, I will have to tell you, medication and nothing else. Well, that's the only thing I have. What's important? Nothing... except medication. Seriously!

- What's important? -