Lawsuits among believers

One of the causes of my depression some years ago was because of the hypocrisy of church leaders.  Yes.  You got me right.  It’s not just believers, but those who are supposed to be leaders, who are the shepherd who is guiding and tending us, the believers who got me in a depressive state and left me alone to ‘die’.  That’s my exact feeling and emotions then.  

1 Corinthians 6: 1-11 clearly stated how believers should do when it comes to disputes among believers and whether a lawsuit is an option.  It is clearly stated that, if there are any disputes, one should not look at their own interest and advantages and bring one another to courts. It is a shame. Yes. I feel utterly ashamed of what had happened when those so-called church leaders brought the church disputes to court to sue the Bishop of Sabah or the Archbishop of South East Asia.  I quote verse 7, “The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already.” What I couldn’t brained and accept it was that the two parties involved not only one bishop and some leaders, but a few bishops and mostly senior priest.  I couldn’t take it.  I find it ridiculous.  I gave up, without a fight.  When people started to attack me because I am on one side (current bishop then), everyone attacked me like nobody businesses in the PCC meetings and other church ministries.  I find myself not serving God, but trying to please people coming from every corner.  I felt drained, I felt unable to breathe, I felt I should give up and walked away, which I did.  I do not want to be part of any side.  

Yeah.  Shame on the believers.  Shame on the church leaders and shame on me, because I am too the believer, a trained advocate who is supposed to be able to arbitrate the matter, but Bishop Albert then did not want to burden me.  And me, I just walked away, sank under my sadness and depression. Shame on me, being God’s child but have failed big time to remain faithful to Him, focus on Him and His ministry, but to let the disputes to go the court, not bothering much about the court matters and let it happened and deal with before non-believers, even though that had caused even more depressive episodes to me and that I wanted so much to give up on being a Christian because I feel so ashamed to be part of that community.  Shame on me for running away and trying to gather me.  

I wonder if the party who won the lawsuit is feeling great about winning.  I wonder if things restored now to the ‘unproductive’ administrative of the church news means more people have come to know Christ? I wonder if any of these people who deemed successful, feeling as winners or feeling being defeated.  My heart sank the moment not I was attacked, but when leaders gathered their ‘flocks’ to go against the primate as if they are upholding justice, a justice that they have forgotten that is in God’s hand.  Passing judgment on others is easy.  I might be doing it now too, subconsciously, but I definitely feel like a loser ever since then and not even dare to tell others that I am a Christian, or I am from this church or denomination.  

Lord, I am sorry that I am such a loser in the past.  Help me to focus again on You.  

May our God sanctify and justified us in our daily walk with Him. 

- Lawsuits among believers - 

Favouritism

It’s been more than a month now that the Black Lives Matter movement has happened and people suddenly want to wipe the history out and demanding for their position to be established and recognized.  Everyone wants to be recognized, every race wants to have their stand and position, and everyone thinks they do have the rights for everything they want in the world, which does not just their voice be heard, but also their demand be fulfilled, a failure which, their rights is violated and not respected.  There goes the situation in 2020, which everyone is trying to endanger other’s life just because they think their voice is worth more interest than any other’s life, if not voice.

I was born Chinese race (and that’s what I put in every single form I need to fill in), in Malaysia, a Muslim country.  I am also a Christian (that’s what I put in every single form I fill in).  Malaysia is a democratic country where freedom of speech and freedom of religion is part of the Federal Constitution, which give us the rights to choose our religion and also the freedom to speak whatever you want to, as long as it is not against the governments and Islam and you have the freedom to be in whatever religion, but strictly no sharing of religions issues to Muslims and that’s the law.  I grew up understanding freedom comes with boundaries. I observe them and not only I am still bound under the law, but I also respect the laws, and even though I am fully trained with English laws, I can identify and recognized the differences of the laws between England and Malaysia and respect both them the same.

Racism.  Being Christian Malaysian Chinese, people will only recognize me as “CHINESE”, and not bothering whether I am from Malaysia or from China or even from England. As long as they saw my face, they know, I am a CHINESE.  For a Chinese to walked into a church in England, some people wonder (a) if I am a Christian; (b) whether I am a communist spy from China; (c) whether I have a clue where I am.  When they asked me where I am from and I answered Malaysia and they will give me a look like I am definitely not someone they want to welcome. ... and that’s Church in England that I was talking about.... until of course, they realized that my dad is a priest and thereafter, I got a BETTER treatment.

At work, in England... it was terrible.  People think I am a Chinese and they started to swear and talked bad about China and Chinese, the communist country, the treatment they treated their citizens (to be honest, I don’t think the citizen feels bad about how the government treats them and they are thankful they survived the day if not year) and when they realised I am not from China, they were curious to know how come Chinese are not living in China (Oh yes, they are that stupid) and think that I must be those blessed one, but not knowing how my grandma was sold to Borneo as a slave and all.  Cut the story short, I get bullied badly while working in England, as CHINESE or having a CHINESE face.

In church in Malaysia.  I was taught to wear my Sunday best to church on Sunday and if I am not, I feel awfully guilty about it.  That last till Secondary school time, where I read about what James says about favouritism.  Ever since, I am curious to find out how people sees me if I am not dressing up nicely to church, but just decently.  I dislike being treated ‘special’ and so many times, I rather attend other churches than those where my parents or brother are attending. I find their service or treatment is superficial.  Worse still when I saw them giving special treatments to the Datuk, Datin, the rich people, etc. because all I heard is they need monies for their churches and all.  Honestly, I dislike such acts.

I experienced this a lot in the past 25 years of my life and I seriously wonder if the church ever read and understand James Chapter 2.  Sometimes, I wonder if the churches have counterfeit faith in them too.  When i was in need of some help, all i gets from my pastor was, “this is the burden that you need to overcome it yourself and we are unable to help you to”.  I wonder if I am not a poor, sick soul but a rich sick soul, will things be different? or may be... if my parents are rich one? May be the church or the leaders will say, “we will ask the whole team to help you”.

I hate favouritism but I do know it happens everywhere, even in the church office and the priest’s home. Are we, those who shows favouritism is worthy to be called Christian? or are we those who claimed to have faith but failed to act is to call ourselves Christian?

I dislike favourites but it happens everywhere.  I hope those who claimed themselves a Christian, especially those who are trying to dominate the world, read James 2 thoroughly and apply them in their lives.  Well, I am not pointing that just to them obviously.

- Favouritism -

Pain that I am unable to overcome... yet!

I am not sure if I should add the word ‘yet’ because, I might not be able to overcome this pain and fear in me, which hindrances me from advancing to the next level of ‘trust’ on people, or probably God too. I wonder from time to time if there’s anything I can do to make me feel better or have a different view on this.... but, let’s say, my wisdom and understanding is too limited to comprehend or to interpret from another perspective. What am I talking about exactly? Well, the pain of seeing my loved one suffer and worry about me, which is so great that I rather not have them to love me, if loving me means they need to suffer the pain of seeing me suffer.  

I do realise that some people do enjoy being loved, visited, and cared for when they are in their sick or dead bed. I don’t. This has brought me pain rather than feeling loved because seeing them worry and in pain, it bring no joy to me at all, even though I know I am going to be fine, I am going to die and go to heaven, and that’s mean I am loved and not being rejected (finally), but somehow, I can only take it at the very beginning, but not when it happened again and again. No. It is not a good feeling. 

I remember vividly how I was carried by hand by my dad to clinics, tests center, hospitals, while I can barely walk and needed to be treated immediately. I remember how everyone looks like when they came and saw me. I must have been in bad shape that everyone who walks in, will show me the face of concern and worries. I remember how the expression and reaction from people when they talked about me (which I can hardly hear). I don’t really like seeing people whom I loved to worry about me. I was taught later in my life that I need to make sure I don’t worry my parents and I know it is impossible for them not to at some point. I will have to decide and choose between whether to tell them now or later and weight between which one is a greater worry to them. 

I am not in a tip-top healthy soul since I was born. I have grown up with an untreatable disease that I just took very good care of and that people did not know about it. As I age, things are getting more obvious and frequent and that I find it difficult to cope sometimes, especially if there are people around me that I do not want to share my burden with. I hear you.... you are saying, i should share the burden. I get it. I would love you to share with me if you are in my position too. But history and past experiences had told me that, not everyone can stand and bear that burden with me and I might end up not sharing the burden, but killing your heart and mind too. So, no. Not everyone is given that chance to share. For those who tried and left, I still thank you for being there for me. For those who tried and ‘died’, I am sorry that I did not know you better to say "No" to you when you offered to share the burden with me. For those who are still sharing, you know you are great. I do not have to worry about you because you are mature enough, you know how I feel completely because part of you are facing the same thing and coping things way better than I do. I am grateful that whatever I throw at you, you are able to tackle it and handle it so well that you ended up by helping me to get up on my feet too. Seeing how you handle things, gave me a totally different perspective of things, but at the same time, trying my best to adapt the word ‘yet’ in this writing... 

I want to believe that, one day, I will be able to overcome that bit of ‘obstruction’ so I can accept people to love me again. But for now, I guess... I am not there yet unless God sent someone who changed my perspective completely and that I can say, “OK. let’s do it”.

For now, I am grateful enough to have friends who said, “ I am not worry about you because I know you are in God’s hand.  But I do concerned about you”.  

At this moment, I really do not like to or unable to bear to see my loved one who worries about me or potentially suffered to take care of me because they love me.  Well, guess I need a love that’s as big as God’s to fill. hahaha... 

- Pain that I am unable to overcome ... yet! -