I am surprised!

I remember how much people took me and my good heart for granted.  For many years, this had been something difficult for me to change.  Well, I wasn't thinking of changing it for good.  It's just that I think I need to at least evaluate whether it is worth to act good on certain people, certain circumstances.  I guess, not many  realised that it is harder for me to get involved and be good for church matters these days.  When I first realised the church needs help, it didn't strike me that I need to help them.  I shun away, I didn't bother much.  My first reaction was simple, no reaction. 

I am surprised when I was asked to help and my respond was, no answer, no respond, change topic.  MC was asking politely, but I didn't answer her directly and instead, topic changed and I deemed the matter is closed and I didn't mention about it thereafter.  No.  I did not bother to help.  I didn't bother to even look into the matter and to give suggestion as to how the problem is to be solved.  Instead, I gave some advice as to how she should do to protect herself, etc.  I know since she knew me for more than 20 over years and she's under my leadership for at least 8 to 12 years, she's not only shock, but wonder if I am alright.  

We talked about the matter again few days later, and knowing and realised how much she wanted to know what happen to me, I told her how and why I ended up suffered from major depression few years back.  Having recovered from that, I am putting a shield over myself, first, I have to take into account the issue as to how much I can handle.  Church, leaderships, ministries, are just not something I want to touch on at the moment.  May be not for the next few years.  No one knows.  

If you think it's work, friendships and all that stressed me out few years back, you have got it all wrong.  I am definitely 100% more stress at my work now compare to few years back.  I am definitely having more debts now then few years back.  I am definitely more stress now with additional travelling to and fro KK and Tawau and my Masters (LLM) course.  I am definitely more stress in my commitment, my handling of the firm, etc.  But none of these are making me feel drained, feel depressed.  Instead, I can laugh out loud any time, etc.  

I am surprised myself as to what exactly that caused me depressed.  It's definitely not what we think it is. 

- I am surprised! - 

Find something to do when you do not have anything to do.

No.  That's not exactly what it's supposed to mean even though in English, that's how it is phrased.  It is supposed to be : 沒事找事來做。 This HK series reminded me so much about what I step I took when I was down, cannot fall asleep, etc.  I ended up, cooked a few cakes, cleaned a few places, builded a few cupboards, read a few books (9 books in 3 months), painted a few rooms, fixed a few door knobs, etc. etc.  I have agree with the HK series that, it works.  When recalled those days where I can only fall asleep at 3am and woke up at 5am, having no mood to watch TV and yet feeling energetic.  If not because I keep myself busy, I wouldn't have get over that period so soon.

I cannot remember when was the first smile or first laugh i put on my face after I took that step.  I cannot remember how long it lasted too.  But I do realised my laughters got louder and louder, to a point SM and VT always have to find a place in the corner when I tagged along for dinner. hahahahahahahahaha.......  I don't care.  I just wanna laugh.  Let the whole world jealous.  Let it be.

Well, is my current situation improved so much compare to few years back? I don't think so.  But I can smile and laugh louder and louder these days.  I guess, I am just not as stressed and I am not as bothered about the 'situation' anymore.  Having to know someone is loving me and caring me (which I can very much feel) has somehow added to the laughters, despite the difficulties in life.

I guess, I just need to learn to keep finding something to laugh at.  My mom is my best example.  She has really laid a very good testimony for me (but she stopped me from laughing to loud at night some time. Hahaha.....).

So, if you are having sleepless nights, try find something to do.  Go out to have a walk, buy something, go Tuaran to look for a friend, go Kudat to look for friend, go Tenom to look for friend, etc.  I always pushed myself to go Tuaran to look for Lisa Kong.  I also pushed myself to go out to play some pool with Danny, etc.  There's just so many people who has contributed to my "to-do list". I am forever thankful and grateful of having them around.

- Find something to do -

A long drive....

It has been for quite some time since I last travel a long distance journey without driving, being a passenger.  It has also been quite a long while since I travel in the early morning before the sun is up. I was to attend a hearing this morning at Tongod Land office and so, client picked me up at 3:30am and we travelled by car to our destination.  We chatted for a while and I fell asleep around 4:30am. When I open my eyes around 5:30, I saw sunlight..... and it reminds me of my younger days....

During my younger day, the church was run by a group of wonderful and faithful God's people and dad and mom are the 2 who has been around during those time, especially when we do not have any residence priest at that moment and even when we did, they are all English or Australian who doesn't speak chinese.  My dad therefore was being given a license to preach and started his journey as a preacher.  He was required to travel to other places to preach as those churches are mostly chinese speaking congregation and there's not many preacher then.  So, we used to travel a lot in the very early morning..... by car, to Semporna, to Lahad Datu, and to some other interior places.  Those days, those churches do not have a full time worker, what more priest.

While we were on our way, one of the best thing we always do or play with is, to count the stars. We also try to focus on a star until the sun come up and it disappear. Of course, besides we sleep and fight in the car. hahahahahaha.... This morning's journey just reminded me of those days... i travel with my parents and brother to places just to worship the Lord. Listening to my dad's preaching has been one of the big part of my childhood memory. And I know, many were blessed and encouraged by his preaching too.  That's I learn too.  Do what we can to serve Him, do not bother about the 'result'.  Being a pioneer tends to be forgotten by others when it get succeeded.  But being a pioneer, it's a privilege, even though many hardship was endured. Seeing churches these days has at least one priest and a few full time workers.... I am sure that's one of the best thing my dad is happy about in his life.
- a long drive ... -