Problem...

As I am waiting at the car service centre waiting for my car to finish its service, I am letting my mind wonder and ponder over issues not so much related to my substantial work, but on administration.  That's the problem of being a boss.  Anything that's not right in the office, it's my duty to make sure it is fixed.  Due to my frequent absent in the office in November and December 2012, somehow, things are not 'moving'.  It's not progressing and my clerk wasn't doing his job.  For that reason, I have not given him more increment nor bonus.  He promised me that he will do better and there will be changes in his performance starting January.  However, I have discovered more and more error, mistakes, slowness of works, etc that's dissatisfying to a point, I have to issue warning letter and deduct his salary. 
Ever since I know I cannot make decision myself anymore with my illness, I called a few good friends and told them what happen and hope they will give me good advice.  Of course one of them have been boss herself for years and so, after listening to what I told her, she gathered that my staff should be facing some personal problem which prevent him from focusing in his work.  He is either facing some family problem or financial problem or even relationship problem. 
I am taking her advise seriously and thinking of doing some counselling work this morning.  Just when I am thinking about it, my mom called asked me if I am doing alright.  I told her what happen to my staff recently and she thought I should really find out if he is facing some problem.  Mom told me I must pray before approaching him and talk to him to find out what happen to him.
Seriously.... I always appreciate him.  He is only not performing his duty satisfying recently.  There must be something happen that I am not aware of.  From being angry and furious, I am not worry and concern....
I checked my office account just a while ago and wonder, thinking... whether there's anything I can help him with in his finances.  May be his parents, being non-Christian and not so wealthy  demand him to give extra to the family? Hmm....I am seriously taking this morning to wonder and checking what are the ways I can help him financially.  Haiz.... it's not easy to be boss.  Seriously. I cannot be not bothering about colleagues anymore like I usually did.  I need to look into the issues and try solving problem.. 
Meanwhile, I have to sort out mistake and works that's being delayed.  I need to pay for the interest to make sure clients are not angry, etc.  In a way, I am busy.  Very busy and stress now. :(  Glad I have a good holiday with some really good friends in Singapore last weekend.  (Still cannot believe I missed meeting up with my childhood good friends from Sydney). 
Problem? I guess everyone has problem now and then.  Let's hope things can be resolved and settle without anymore complain... and meanwhile, trying very hard to sort out for the firms merges... Praying hard!
- Problem -

Civilisation!

I always think I need to lives in the City.  I love civilisation, technology, high fly buildings and working in the city's main business centre is always what I want to do.  Wearing suits to office everyday is what I wanted all these while.  However, since the day I realised I cannot cope the stress physically, I have retrieved myself to the smallest city, Kota Kinabalu, Sabah. 
Having been in this city for so long, I always try to balance myself by visiting to a very busy city like Hong Kong and/or Singapore.  I have been visiting Singapore on a yearly basis for years before I changed my destination to Hong Kong. 
Due to the sudden, busy schedule in Court for the past 2 months, I can and desperately needed a visit to a civilised country soon to de-stress.  Yes.  People come to Sabah to enjoy the nature to de-stress and I need to go to a civilised country to de-stress.  By entering into civilised country for a short trip, it's like a fish was put back to sea. hehe...
After 'being forbidden' to visit Singapore again by a close friend, I have not been visiting Singapore for a long long time.  Seriously, Singapore is a BORING country.  This trip, Singapore has shown me that it's not only boring, but it is also less civilised.  It's less civilised because its people has changed.  I can see people being rude on the streets these days.  Toilets are no longer clean, etc.  In a way, people has made Singapore to be less civilised.  It's sad to have known this to be serious. I thought HK is bad enough, but Singapore is worse.... that makes me miss England's country side even more... 
- Civilised! -

Burden!

People keep telling me that I hurt them during the most difficult time of my life.  Yeah...it's not only sounds ridiculous, but it's also happen in a very ridiculous way anyway.  During the most difficult of my life, they are not only not to try to give me comforts and help me, but instead, they still keep telling me that I hurt them.  I never tell them back that what they were telling me was already hurting me even deeper. I guess they don't really care much about how much they hurt me, instead, all they care is, whether they are hurt themselves.  I still do not know how I hurt them.  May be by 'suffering' what I was going through then? I was glad enough if they didn't hurt me even more nor gave me more pain and suffering.  But obviously, that's not what they did. I couldn't believe what I heard from my own trusted priest when he told me "everyone is hurt".  I still do not know what it means until today.  Everyone is? as hurt as I was? I don't think so.  What's so hurt to be honest? Did they lost job, father, best friends, church, etc? If not, what's more hurt then what I was suffering?  More so, the Priest also told me that may be this is the burden I need to carry though myself.  I believe all he said.  I did carried the whole burden through... I am still carrying it until today after 2 years.  The different now is that I am not asking for help anymore.  Instead, I am pushing everyone aside because I do not want to get another reply telling me that they are hurt.  So, here.. if they think what they did were not hurting me enough to bring me down to depression, and they are blameless for anything.... then they are very wrong in this. Yes.  It's my decision to cut off all the relationship with all these hypocrites who claim they have the love of Christ.  Bullshit.... ! Carried your own burden? BULLSHIT!
When I watched LOTR last week, I saw how 2 friends gone through the most difficult time together.  The one who carried the burden told the other that it's a burden he needs to carry it himself.  It's something only he can do and it's a task that's so dangerous and tempting for one to sins.  His friend saw him went through the path that's so difficult and he slips and couldn't make it through... his friend can't carry his burden for him, but he didn't left him nor just stare at him or wait there.  He carried him through..... without his friend, nothing ends in the perfect way.  The mission can't be accomplished.  Without his friend, things wouldn't end in the right timing too.
Sadly, I do not have such friends when I was sent to CCL to accomplish the mission God sent me.  Everyone went down the mountain nor just stand there stared at me see how I failed.  They were critising every move I made.  They were throwing stone at me, putting more struggles and difficulties to the path I was going through and still at the same time, told me.... "We are hurt too!".  Can you imagine what did I go through now?
Yes...... that's hell like.  It's worse than hell.  When I was at a position where I was worse than hell, ... tell me then, why would I bothers about going to hell then? Now, does it make sense now about why I want to kill myself and I do not want bother much about killing myself and end it?
Oh... yes.  You are hurt too? Which part of you and for how long and was it worse than hell?
Now, does it makes sense to ask someone to went through a situation that's worse than hell to help others who is in difficulties? hahaha....now a day, I will not even respond when you tell me you need help, etc.  Go bear your own burden because by telling me you need help, I am hurt too. hahahahahaha... yes.  I have learned that.  So, don't bother about asking help from me.  Not a chance of getting help from me.  My compassion is gone.  Forever.
- Burden! -