Understand....

Finally, there are quite a number of people started to realised and understand how I feel...  I can only say, only when you are suffering from depression and being 'intoxicating' by the medications, you probably won't understand at all what I have been telling you.  Some of course are more 'sensitive' to feelings which are more understanding and you will get to understand without going through it.  But for most, 99% people won't understand until and unless you are going through it yourself.  I am not proud to have suffer from it first.... this is much associated with mid life crisis and being me, somehow, I get the experience first hand, like any other weird experiences in life.  Come on, who ever have their cargo dropped into the sea and cannot recover any damages?  Who has ever encounter bomb scares on the 3rd day of Exam, more so a legal qualifying exam? etc. etc.  well, I did.  Even my physician asked me after reading my medical records and asked me "how come you happen to suffer weird diseases and weird thing?"  I have no answer for him seriously... but well, he gave me very strong medication which I asked him if he can just give me a light one and he looked at me and told me, if it happens to others, he won't give as strong medication.  But unfortunately, for me, that's the minimum requirement.  Oh well... understood completely what he meant.  I still have to go back for review today and tomorrow.  That's how serious is my arm.  

Well, back to the depression matter... it happened that someone suffered the same symptoms i did ... and the best part of him was of course he has a very nice and concern girl friend.  And after talking to him on his physical pains, i slowly went into his psychological part and then I realised.... he is seriously STRESSFUL... and the greatest stress now is that he is worried that he is going to have a brain tumor.  hahahahaha... in a way, he stressed himself up.  We referred him to look for Dr. Chris Chong since I have his contact and all...and whatever he told us, it sounds like not as serious as mine... obviously... and Dr Chris told him to undergo another tests now and he is so depressed.  Then my cousin, then many other people ... are telling me, they are suffering from depression, etc.  I wonder... for a long while, goodness.. is that why God allows this to happen to me first? So that I can do something for others?  The funniest thing is, everyone thought I have overcome it alone by now... and if i manage to overcome it alone, everyone else should be able to go through that alone too. Well, to be honest, I don't think i am and I don't think it is possible to go through that alone AT ALL.  God knows how I got through this... and I know so well about it too.  

So, finally... i am relieve that someone started to understand my situation. i.e. why i get misunderstood by the church.  Why I am not contacting certain people, Why am I angry with certain people, etc.  Yes, this has come to an end. I HOPE.  :) 

- Understand... - 

New Friends?

Those who left me told me I should go out and find new friends as they won't bother about me anymore. It's such pain to heard this from someone you spent almost everything and everytime with for the past few years. Sacrificed so much of money, time and energy on them and yet when I needed a hand, that's what they told me. To find new friends.  Who doesn't know friends do come and go at different times? With less contact, doesn't mean, I lost them. But what they told me was a complete act of disowning me as their friends.  Worse still, they were the closest to me (they are still, unfortunately) and yet they cannot understand the pain I am suffering every single day.  I don't see much of people every single day.  I do not have colleague.  I do not have anyone to share my burden with because it's all private and confidential and most of the people I know, they don't understand a life of a lawyer.  Do I need them to understand what and how I conduct my professions? Nope. By being around me for the past few years, includes me in their holidays, includes me in their pain and suffering and problem, had enough to made me feel welcome.
Unfortunately, due to my sickness, I am completely being rejected.  Understood no one want a 'burden' like me around them.  Understood no one love me either.  That's not a first day issue I know.  Worse is, they tend to go further after they know i am sick.  That's the most hurting part.  No matter how much I tried, they gets ever more further and all they said was, they can't help.  Not knowing, all they need was to include me, to call me once in a while, come out with me sometimes, keep in touch instead of a total silence as if I do not exist. Well...

Did I not look for new friends? But with being disowned by church, with no colleague, with no social life and connection at all, I can't see how I can be 're-connected' anymore.  I can only sure that, sooner or later, I will just give up trying to continue living. Even stranger whom I bought guava with will smile at me and tell me which one is better. Those whom I love and care for for years, told me to look for other friends instead. And still call themselves loving God.  I don't know how does all these work. I cannot understand at all... There's no way I can understand all these... sorry. Am too stupid to understand.
- New Friends? -

Priority

Mom:  Your brother is at Sydney now.  You know?
Me:  Nope.
Mom:  Has he ever call you or come and visit you?
Me:  Nope.
Mom:  They didn't call you at all since CNY?
Me:  Yup.
Mom:  Haiz... you 2.  When will you two's relationship will get better?
Me:  Mom, you know it will never be.  No point I keep on putting on efforts and the other party is not, right?
Mom:  True.  May be they are just too busy.  You must understand.
Me:  Mom, do you think I am not busy?  It's all about priority.
Mom:  True lah.  I know you are very busy at work, trying to earn as much to cover expenses and to pay off workers and your own's expenses, taking efforts to fly back every now and then to see us.  Thank God you don't have a family to take care of.
Me:  Mom, one shall never take family or marriage or ministries as one of the excuse for not fulfilling certain responsibilities.  It's very irresponsible to say that.  Wife should be the husband's helper according to the bible, i.e. to be able to do MORE things for the Lord and fulfil MORE responsibility.  Not less.
Mom:  That's right... hmm...
Me:  I never uses my sickness as one of the excuse that I can't work, I can't serve the Lord, I can't come back on weekend, etc. did I?
Mom:  Yeah...
Me:  It's just a matter of heart.
Mom:  True.  Just try to lives a happy life..
Me:  I am.
(Mind you all, Just for the air tickets, I have been in debts for months now. But is that an excuse not to go back?)
- Priority -