Birthday!

I cannot remember when was the last time I celebrated my own birthday with fun and happiness.  Last year, I remember I can't feel happy at all because my dad was still in critical condition and both my mom and I were just couldn't have our mind focus on anything else.  I was also still sufferred from getting the right medication for myself and with all the being de-friended issues, my heart wasn't even want to lives for another day, what more, to celebrate my birthday? 

This year, somehow is a celebration to me.  I arrived Tawau in the afternoon today.  Fetched by a cancer survivor, we both went for a drink.  When I reached home, I told my dad, 'I am home, dad... and today is my birthday... I survived another year!  I am a winner...' .  He put a smile on his face when he heard that.  Yes.  That's exactly the reason why I celebrated it.  It's a lot of hard work for the past one year.  To survive physically, financially, emotionally.... it's the biggest challenge I ever had in my life.  It's also a best feeing I ever had, to know that I managed to overcame it completely! The hardest time would be a week plus ago I suppose.  After so many months of 'well-ness', i forgot it would come and haunt and tried to destroy me.  I forgot.  I almost lost the battle.  Almost... thank God for pain.. that caused me to pass out completely until the next morning. 

To Mel who tried very hard to make me seek a second opinion, I still stand very firm on my ground.  I am sorry... I know many are trying very hard to push me to get 'better', but, I really don't wish to, ANYMORE.

Set Fui who asked me to make a wish this year so that my wish shall come true.  Haha... She knew me very well.  I never have any wish and she always wish I find a man and get married - knowing that I can't lives without being loved and being taken care of.  I didn't tell her, but my wish is... to be with the Lord soonest possible (I guess everyone knows this? hehe...)

Today can be my last birthday...  no one knows.  Hence I am celebrating it!  Thanks for a bunch of good friends who stand by me all these while and to cheers me up on my birthday eve (due to my return home schedule for cases).  This year, I had 2 cakes.  Both, my favourite chocolate cakes.  Finally, everyone knows I hates cheese cake. hahaha... If I survive another year, let's celebrate again next year!  I promise I will try... as my motto this year is to stay alive!!!

Thank you for those who remember me today.  Thanks for the most dearest one who delivered Caleb on 14th Feb (Malaysia time) to cheers me up.  Well, Caleb wins.... he got all your attention and I am not jealous. hahahaha... :) Thanks for bringing joy and happiness, friends and family.... love you all so much!

- Birthday! -

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Focus!

People around me only has one concept towards what I am facing.  Everything is wrong is to do with none focusing on God.  So, they keep telling me to focus on Him alone.  I somehow wonder if they know what they are saying because I can focus on God pretty well so far.  Knowing that God loves me has nothing to do with what I am facing here.  No wonder I was being warned that church and christian somehow will be the cause for me to kill myself if I am not careful and listens to them too much.  I am glad I am warned.  

With all the push and efforts made, I went to church alone last week (usually I will have Vui Theng to accompany me but she's tight up with parents last week), wishing, hoping, expecting my soul be lifted up and be edified.  For about 5 to 6 months now that I have not suffer any episode of depressive disorder and life has been perfectly well and good.  Happily went to church and my soul and spirit were so discouraged and downcasted instead.  Went for lunch with everyone still, hoping everything will falls into places instead and my mind just get out of control that evening and suffer another episode.  Worse thing is, I forgot how much this 'pain' is causing me and how much I dislike it and even how to deal with it.  I couldn't remember how I manage to climb out from it the last time, ... I had a game and a fellowship to attend that evening, but yet, ... I was attacked so badly... which I forgot when was the last time it was this serious.  Amazingly, space probably is the only thing I have and that gave me all freedom to try out all things to see which one works.  Had my dinner, rested, watched TV, listens to music, etc.  It was better, but gone terribly worse around 10pm (that's sounds like the usual timing).  Finger have no choice but to click on a speed dial that I set on long ago for emergency purposes.  Friend picked up, hang up because I didn't know what to tell, what to talk about and neither does she. When I managed to after a few tries, all I got from her was... even worse comments, ridicules, laughters, disbelieve, complete rejection and neglects, etc. and it makes it even worse.  What else do I have in order to stop all these? Focus on God? I don't know if I should anymore.  Somehow, it's going to church that started all these.  

I seriously hates the feeling when it happen.  No word I can use to describe how it feels like.  It's not upset, grievance, etc.  I don't know how to describe besides the word "downcast".  For Lin Pei San to tell you, 'It is painful', ... it really means, it is damn painful.  Pain, to me is NOTHING.  I have been bearing with pain on my foot for the past 20 over years.. for me to rather trade death with the pain, it only means, this pain is so unbearable.  So, stop laughing at me when I tell you it's painful.  

I have make up my mind for now, not to attend any church.  Yes, about focusing on Him, not church. That's all I need. Seriously, I cannot afford another episode.  I so hates it when it is conquering me. 

- Focus! - 

Achievement!

Seriously, I have been asking God, when are you going to bless me like how you blessed others? In order for me to be blessed by You, do I need to be like them? Can I be a Godly lawyer instead? Well,... He blessed me somehow when I put my feet firm on the ground and followed the non-discount rules.  Being cunning, not giving discount, calculate every single bit that I can claim from, not giving free lunch, etc.  With that, my business started to go the second mile.  I have purchased this car a month plus ago.  Due to some mistake made by the car dealer, I got my car today instead of sometime before chinese new year.  Anyway, I am glad, I got my car today.  Peugeot 207SV.  It's not a huge, bizarre car or something that's so hard to get.  Everyone can just buy one if they want to.  I am feeling the joy because I know I have somehow achieved another level.  This is my second car.  My first car is still in use of course.  My dear little faithful car. It better reach Tawau sound and safe.  I seriously not knowing how am I going to cope financially with all these. But, I will not calculate a single bit.  Will just be happy about it and move on.  I wish I can get a better car but I am contented with this one at the moment.
I am sharing the joy today with people I know.  I am so glad Delson and Lisa came and we had a ride... had a time of fellowship together.  Love them heaps...!  The best joke was, Lisa said "now you drive this car to CCL and see whether they will come and shake your hand".  hahaha... well... I am really happy to have them all support and around me, be it for joyful moments for sad moments. They are the best!
- Achievement! -