Sometimes...

Sometimes or most of the time... I hope people that i am working with and rounds me be reminded always that I CANNOT read minds.  It is harder to comprehend what they are talking about if they tend to contradict themselves with their words and/or the way they communicate with me.  At one time, they told me they can get things sorted and then, they disappeared with the unfinished work for weeks.... I seriously cannot understand or read mind and I certainly do not want to make unsubstantial assumption.  Are they incompetent? Or may be they are too busy? Or they cannot agree with me? Or when they said they can get things sorted but actually they can't? or I misunderstood what they told me in the first place? wait, or may be it is done? or ... at least to them it is and to me it is not? I mean hello? ... I can't read mind.  When words / communication doesn't tally with actions, ... it stress me out.  I am unable to comprehend and.... worse still if blames are put on me .... accusations and allegations are being pushed to me to justify.  My reaction will be, "bloody hell, i don't even know what's going on in the first place, why me again? so now what to be solved again?"

so, ya... there's just too many of those people arounds me.  Everytime i asked my clerk what happen to the matter, they will tell me.. and seriously usually it is done properly.  But if it is not, the files sit on their table forEVER until i asked.  Then they will say, "er, i think i can find out how to solve it".  APPRECIATE that a lot.  But hello...... if you don't mind , please fill me in the blank of what's happening first before you DECIDE to put on efforts to sort it.  Simply  because I am the one who needs to tell clients what's going on and I can decide better if that matter is URGENT OR NOT.

It's that frustrating when people try to NAIL you on the wall without telling you what's going on.  Some people just somehow got angry (no idea why) on me and pin me on the wall and persecute me like nobody business.  Lies and lies were communicated to me.  Lies because words was told is never what actions shown and .. at the end of the day, I have PROBLEM trying to figure out which one is truth.  I gave up entirely trying to understand and figure that out anymore.  My brain is very occupied with works and studies these days.  When text messages and emails or whatever it is are not being responded and all, I gave up completely on this so call 'communication'.  If the person want to dwell in the miscommunication and being stuck inside a 'presumed communication', I have no duty nor power to stop it.

One of the danger of having depression is that, we are unable to control much of what we WANT to think. I put it as, all my thinking is WRONG and i need someone to verify it for me.  So, in many times, i seek 'help' by asking people around me, if situation like this happen, etc... whether my reaction and my emotion are applied correctly.  Of course, people we ask, needs to be those who can keep secret and those who are care enough to let us know what is right or wrong.  In a way, for a period of time, i tend to listen to others more than myself as ai have completely lost confidence over my own decision and thinking.  I was glad enough to found Dr Leonard who was so patience in listening to me and all my stories, even though to him, it has no value and benefit to him at all.  Most of the time, he asked me to don't think about it, go talk to someone who i think will understand and try to listen to what they advise me instead.  I soon realised, many do care but don't know how to help me and when I did asked for help, they are so willing to help.  Some people, even though I scolded them, they just took it as it is and came back with chocolates and coffee and sit down and talk again. I really treasures those a lot.

So, speaking about cracking heads to understand our own 'thinking'... i have to admit that, not all my 'thinking' is correct.  And i wish, everyone knows this fact too and learn from it too.

In gist, we can't read minds, not even our own mind....

- Sometimes ... -