Christmas!

I miss those days when i was in England for Christmas. I must say, even though those days I may need to celebrate Christmas alone, it's the most happy Christmas I had so far in my whole life. As Christmas is drawing near ... i started to thought about 'leaving' this place ... as it is going to be year end.. a time where I was thinking to tender my resignation and move back home for good. Just because I had an arrangement with my partner earlier this year, I just have to finish my 'service' here at year end. Hence, even though I have it in my mind, .... i have to wait. So, Christmas is drawing near... everyone has plans... for christmas, for dinner, for fellowship, for going home for Christmas and all.... I however, is sadden by all these work thingy, future thingy...

It is not going to be a good and happy one this year also... At first, I thought of having fellowship with those i hold dear. Well, my request started with having a last trip with them, but they turned me down. Instead of me, they asked someone else for holiday and all. I have done my part with asking them but if that's what they choose, so be it! It hurts of course, but, I can understand the fact that I am not welcomed and I am definately not the one they wanted to spend time with. Hence, I asked for Christmas dinner... again, instead of turning me down just like that, they hurts me with their words.... Those who know me well will know that I do not like to take initiative in inviting people for dinner, for movie, for anything... and those whom I thought I am close to, of course have not came to know this (yes, such a failure I am) and so, they not only turned me down... they ridiculs me. So be it...........

Limit has reached. Changed past. I am going to make my own arrangement now. Be it here in KK, if have to, or home or somewhere else. Well, after all, they always told me they have their own plans... (suggesting that I keep on disturbing them and their plans) and so, I shall not disturb them and their plans.

This year's christmas will be ... a hurtful one.. and that's exactly a reminder to me of how graceful God is to me by sending me His only begotten son............... as much as God is sending His own son to us because of love... i am going to forgive them also for whatever things they have done and said that hurts me for the past few years. It has not been easy. God is my witness... and I am sure I have caused them so much hurts and pain too.... but, it is not my call to ask them to forgive me even though I have asked them to.

Well... somehow, i am looking forward to go home for Christmas... Lord, help me with all the arrangment of stand-in and submissions... that i can finish on time!!!!!!!!!!

- Christmas! -