Difficulties vs Faith

"Everything has its season." A friend reminded me.  True even though it's ugly at this time of trial.  I do not expect anyone to understand my situation better, even though some of them can relate with similar incidences.  Job is always a good reminder for me in time of trial.  My dad used to tell me, everything has its season.  When it is good, it will be over one day.  When it is bad, it will be over one day too.  So, when I was reminded that it will be over soon, I can only pray to God, that it will be over soon by His mercy and grace and that destructions caused will be minimised.  Can't ask God to take away bad times from me because I believe, we all need bad times to learn a lesson or to get closer to God.  All I am asking now is that, it will be over soon and I will not suffer further. 

This does not apply of course to me, but to anyone.  When people arounds me also suffer, I wonder... and praying the same that they will get over their bad times soonest possible too.  Over the one month, many told me what they faces.  Some just started their career and it's difficult.  Some met with difficult time in their marriages to a point it is considered in law as unable to lives together anymore.  Some had departed from their previous partners due to severe misunderstanding causing losses to the firm.  Some is having financial difficulties.  Some are depressed over things that's not going their ways, some met a physical illness and  yet of course, some are doing very good in any aspect of their lives.  

At the age of 41, I tend to look at issues, things and problem differently.  I don't expect people who can understand my situation completely.  But I cannot tolerate when people (a) take me for granted (b) tend to control my life (c) making ridiculous assumptions about me (d) causing unnecessary stress to me (e) causing discomfort to me (f) making my life miserable and (g) putting me in a very embarrass and difficult situations to deal with.  I feel agitated by all these.  Whoever causing this to me, the next you know would be I walked away and never return, regardless who you are.  Over the past few months, be it some so called friend or some clients, i did the same.  In a way, I am just throwing 'rubbish' out of my life.  

This year, everything doesn't seems right.  But I am focusing on God better this year.  Praying to Him everyday.  Asking Him to sustain me, giving me strength to move on and God knows... how long more I can sustain and accomplish what I need to accomplish. 

God, have mercy and grace upon me, I ask!

- Difficulties vs Faith -  

Living each day as it is my last.

My mother who is 79 years old this year told me most of her days are in a 'not fit' condition these days and so, I told her, if you woke up that day and you are in good shape and mood, do as much as you can as you might not know if you can do that the next day.  She agreed.

Well, that's me for the past few years.  Been in the state of 'dunno if I am fit to finish my task tomorrow and so I need to finish it while I can'.  People do not understand what it means.  Most of them told me not to do so much in a day.  They don't know I do have a few days or weeks which I couldn't get much work done.  I will finish the assignment, or the submission, or the issuance of the letters, bank transactions, bankers' cheques application, etc. in a day if I am able to.  I won't wait and get it done the next day, because i might not be able to do that the next day.

Be it a planned holiday or not, some of the days, I am well, some, I am not.  Those who travel with me would have noticed that too even though most of them thought it is just emotions.  Sadly, it is NOT just emotions.  Those who is able to embraced it is brilliant especially those who are 'near' and yet still giving me my privacy when i needed.  When I am silence... they wont' disturb, until it is TOO silence for too long, a gentle reminder usually given and a gentle drag will usually executed.  I seriously appreciate that a lot.

Many has forgotten what I said earlier on or rather, they thought it will no longer apply to me today.  But unfortunately, it's still the same.  I cannot change the condition in my brain, I cannot take control of when I will die or lives, or whether I want the way I want it.  It's just not possible.  The only changes today is, I will tend to shun away from things that's very much bothering me to lives a life I am already struggling with.  Be it people, or matters or anything that I think it's too much to bear, I will give up.  Issues which to me has been settled and resurfaced again, I will end up stop bothering it and let it be gone forever. Well, to many these are very self-central.  True and I admitted it completely.  This is simply because I have other issues to focus to.  My parents, my job and my studies and I think I have enough to 'burden' my brain with already.

The bible says, think of what's good and beautiful and what's positive and nice.  So, I will.  I do not want to regret about my life if i couldn't wake up the next day anymore and realised I am already in the heaven with the Lord.  Each day, I am living and still do.... like it is my last day.

For those who cannot understand, unable to handle who I am, I am sorry.  I have to let you go.  If you see me as selfish and bad, be it as it is.  I just couldn't afford to handle 'stress' like this anymore. Thanks for being around for a while.

- Living each day as it is my last. -

Alone?

A lot of people been trying to feed themselves with understanding that (a) human is best not to be lives alone (b)  social attention is needed and (c) we must get married or be with someone we love.  I, however, have the opinion through experience that this might not be what we deemed as 'normal' or 'best way' of life.  No. I am not against people being socialising with other human / pet.  I am just saying, it should not apply equally beneficial to all human God created.  My argument is that, every human being God created is unique and walk a different path with Him according to His Will.  I do agree that God created man and women.  I do agree that God created everything good.  My question not is, is God creating divorce? singleness? loneliness? Majority of people might be having the thought that those are not 'normal' because majority are doing the 'norm'. Is that mean doing the 'minority' is deemed to be 'wrong'?

We can agree with one firm needs a few lawyers to operate.  I can also agree that one firm run by only the sole lawyer.  You may agree that living in a landed house is better than condominium, I would beg to defer that idea.  I think, it is best that, one lives their own lives with God's Will sorted.  One thing i like the most about England is that, we mind our own business.

I don't like (everyone arounds me be it close or less close knows) a person next to me that's always nagging, controlling, forceful and deciding things for me.  Well, 'like' is an understatement. I HATE it a lot and i will make sure i 'leave' those persons behind and away from my life.

Worse still, those who seek attention from me.  Goodness, if I happen to be caring and loving you, stop 'demanding' it more from me at my cost.  stop making it sounds like, i owe you a million.  Demanding and asking those from me is like bagger, alright?  And no, I don't usually give to bagger.  I always ask why do they have to bag.  Do I ? It's a mentality and how much you are willing to work to get your life changed.  Be it bagger, i think some of them are still struggling through by 'working' on making a life.  I always look at those who see "Big Issue" on the street whenever I get the chance to in the Broadmead, Bristol.  Or those who play music or guitars to get a living.  Mind you, some of them are even millionaire.

All i am saying it, I am quite sure I don't like to get around with people who loves to nag, control, forceful and deciding things for me.  Worse still, demanded that everything I do shall be with them, etc. I do have other friends, relatives, and a life to work on.  Don't make me lose my life because of you.  My life doesn't surrounded by just one person.  My ultimate concern is still my parents and myself - my career, my studies, my entertainment, my time with my friends, church.

Being alone is wrong? I don't think so.  I think life is better be alone rather than being 'changed' or controlled by others. I am better or well focus whenever I am alone. So, stay away from me if you want to control my life, i.e. including who i get along with or what kind of movie i want to watch. If you don't like my choices, stay away from me. Respect is to be earned.

-  Alone? -