Great company....

It has been a while ... to feel great, to be able to enjoy company, to be able to enjoy a long drive and good holiday, with people whom have been around for me and with me.  It's even greater to be able to joke around without reserve, of the work, the career, the humiliation suffered in courts and in front of many other senior lawyers.  Being able to talk to someone about the frustration they understand fully is such a relief.  Well, nope.. not every lawyer will be able to understand fully what I am going through... and some of them only 'claimed' they are my friend and support after the realised I am doing well with my business.  Those who wanted to check and spy on the possibility of joining me and trying to take advantage of me, I am so sorry to tell you that I am not interested in being 'used' anymore.  I strive through the hardship all alone without aids.  So, go and do the same yourself.  I am not going to act on mercy and grace because I am not God.  Yes.  If you want to use "you should because you are a christian and your father and brother are priest", I am sorry to proudly tell you I am not a good christian.  I am a lawyer myself, I am not a priest and I am not accountable to you of how I conduct my life here.  So, get lost.
I really enjoy the last weekend with 2 great and awesome people.  Great and awesome in the sense, they made it as it is MY trip.  They give me all the liberty to choose whatever I want even though they are the visiting and leaving KK.  hahahahaha... Well, i guess, they do know I am deprived of great holiday and awesome people (they claim they are awesome). hehe...Thank you.
All the photography lesson, those jokes, those sharing, etc, etc... especially, the company ... had somehow made me feels great and being appreciated.  Thanks for all the efforts made ... all noted with thanks and yes, I promise I will stay alive!

Understand....

Finally, there are quite a number of people started to realised and understand how I feel...  I can only say, only when you are suffering from depression and being 'intoxicating' by the medications, you probably won't understand at all what I have been telling you.  Some of course are more 'sensitive' to feelings which are more understanding and you will get to understand without going through it.  But for most, 99% people won't understand until and unless you are going through it yourself.  I am not proud to have suffer from it first.... this is much associated with mid life crisis and being me, somehow, I get the experience first hand, like any other weird experiences in life.  Come on, who ever have their cargo dropped into the sea and cannot recover any damages?  Who has ever encounter bomb scares on the 3rd day of Exam, more so a legal qualifying exam? etc. etc.  well, I did.  Even my physician asked me after reading my medical records and asked me "how come you happen to suffer weird diseases and weird thing?"  I have no answer for him seriously... but well, he gave me very strong medication which I asked him if he can just give me a light one and he looked at me and told me, if it happens to others, he won't give as strong medication.  But unfortunately, for me, that's the minimum requirement.  Oh well... understood completely what he meant.  I still have to go back for review today and tomorrow.  That's how serious is my arm.  

Well, back to the depression matter... it happened that someone suffered the same symptoms i did ... and the best part of him was of course he has a very nice and concern girl friend.  And after talking to him on his physical pains, i slowly went into his psychological part and then I realised.... he is seriously STRESSFUL... and the greatest stress now is that he is worried that he is going to have a brain tumor.  hahahahaha... in a way, he stressed himself up.  We referred him to look for Dr. Chris Chong since I have his contact and all...and whatever he told us, it sounds like not as serious as mine... obviously... and Dr Chris told him to undergo another tests now and he is so depressed.  Then my cousin, then many other people ... are telling me, they are suffering from depression, etc.  I wonder... for a long while, goodness.. is that why God allows this to happen to me first? So that I can do something for others?  The funniest thing is, everyone thought I have overcome it alone by now... and if i manage to overcome it alone, everyone else should be able to go through that alone too. Well, to be honest, I don't think i am and I don't think it is possible to go through that alone AT ALL.  God knows how I got through this... and I know so well about it too.  

So, finally... i am relieve that someone started to understand my situation. i.e. why i get misunderstood by the church.  Why I am not contacting certain people, Why am I angry with certain people, etc.  Yes, this has come to an end. I HOPE.  :) 

- Understand... - 

New Friends?

Those who left me told me I should go out and find new friends as they won't bother about me anymore. It's such pain to heard this from someone you spent almost everything and everytime with for the past few years. Sacrificed so much of money, time and energy on them and yet when I needed a hand, that's what they told me. To find new friends.  Who doesn't know friends do come and go at different times? With less contact, doesn't mean, I lost them. But what they told me was a complete act of disowning me as their friends.  Worse still, they were the closest to me (they are still, unfortunately) and yet they cannot understand the pain I am suffering every single day.  I don't see much of people every single day.  I do not have colleague.  I do not have anyone to share my burden with because it's all private and confidential and most of the people I know, they don't understand a life of a lawyer.  Do I need them to understand what and how I conduct my professions? Nope. By being around me for the past few years, includes me in their holidays, includes me in their pain and suffering and problem, had enough to made me feel welcome.
Unfortunately, due to my sickness, I am completely being rejected.  Understood no one want a 'burden' like me around them.  Understood no one love me either.  That's not a first day issue I know.  Worse is, they tend to go further after they know i am sick.  That's the most hurting part.  No matter how much I tried, they gets ever more further and all they said was, they can't help.  Not knowing, all they need was to include me, to call me once in a while, come out with me sometimes, keep in touch instead of a total silence as if I do not exist. Well...

Did I not look for new friends? But with being disowned by church, with no colleague, with no social life and connection at all, I can't see how I can be 're-connected' anymore.  I can only sure that, sooner or later, I will just give up trying to continue living. Even stranger whom I bought guava with will smile at me and tell me which one is better. Those whom I love and care for for years, told me to look for other friends instead. And still call themselves loving God.  I don't know how does all these work. I cannot understand at all... There's no way I can understand all these... sorry. Am too stupid to understand.
- New Friends? -