I think I am stress!

I am not sure and I wasn't realise it, not until a friend said it. But, what stressed me out? I ponder for a long while and I still couldn't find the answer. It's this 'emptiness' that I am feeling... and I really couldn't make out what it is, hence despites numerious demand to voice it out, I found myself having nothing in particular to tell. It's as good as 'empty' thought or... may be, it's mixture of EVERYTHING?

Oh well, I can't say I have nothing much to do in the office as I am seriously busy with a few new cases and also to close a few within these 2 months too. Work is definately picking up and in less than a month time, I will have to travel to England for a mission conference. This week, I'll be taking a day off for the mission conference too. So, everything has to be done before I left for England and everything seems URGENT.

I was checking my diary yesterday and I noted that, a major case is around the corner and wow... what have I done so far in this case I ponder and ... seriously, NOTHING as yet. Could this be the cause of my stressful mind or could that be because of my financial instability?

Since the last post, I guess God heard my 'struggles' too... and so, 2 clients have paid up and so, at least, those income can cover a bit of my monthly expenses. I guess, when we rely on Him 100%, I mean, 100%, only then He would be to do more for us. Don't you think? I am still hoping to receive more payment in a week or 2 times.

Oh well, these 2 weeks, I will be very busy to finalise at least 5 cases in hand. I am going to be stressful... so, pardon me if you happen to be the 'victim' of my stressful mind.

- I think I am stress! -

??

I am not very sure I am immuned to my current situation or I finally released my burden to the Lord, but somehow, I just have the feeling of 'don't care, don't worry'. What am I referring to in particular? My current financial situation. For the first month, I can just don't bother to bill people, collect fees, or even seeking for clients, etc. I was just busy with works on my table and work and work and work...thereafter, I spent some time to with my parents, friends, etc. etc. I just don't bother much about where my finances/income be derives from.

Obviously, it shocked me last week when my account clerk reminded me that "Boss, you have no payment come in yet" and I was stunned for a little while and I started to worry... for a few seconds...trying to remember how much more money left I have in all my bank accounts and will that amount of money enough for me to survive for this month. Obviously, nope... hahahaha... but suprisingly, I still not so worry about it.

Now, tell me... if I should worry about it or not. I am seriously... immuned to my current situation and I realy acted "NEVERMIND" to every situation that comes my way. Goodness...!!!! What happen to me?

By the way, I seriously billed some clients, but of 6 I billed, 1 withdraw the case, another paid and the rest remain unpaid... Why am I being treated like that at ALL time ha? *xian*

Oh.. not to worry, by God's grace, I can still survive for another 2 months, I think... hahahaha....

- ?? -

Failure?

Lack of confidence has always been an issue for me. I remember when I was young, nothing seems 'correct'. Whatever I do, it's 'wrong'. I wasn't good in my studies, I wasn't good in sport, I wasn't good in piano, I wasn't good in art and I just simply wasn't good in everything. My parents, brother, relatives, have always told me directly and indirectly that I am not good in whatever I do. In a way, the message of "I am a failure" has always stucked in me. Words that came from all these people has certainly made a deep scare or mark in my heart until today. Of course, not many arounds me today understand what I am suffering. It has been years and even myself, I almost forgot about it until it struck me again.

Yes... the phrase "I am a failure" once again struck me lately. I know I am not a good lawyer. I too know that I won't be like others, achieving things, earning a lot, etc. I am just not those and will not be those I guess. Nothing ever seems 'right' all these while. Good things just won't happen to me I guess...

I have been blamed a lot lately by others... of my failure to 'perform' something. At least, I know I have failed to be who I should. It has somehow, reminded me of - me, a failure... and will always be a failure.

- Failure? -