Facing the 'future'.

The greatest challenge I have of having my mom around these few months is not about cooking, not about doing laundry every day nor bringing her for her dr. appointments, but it is spending quiet time with God.  Cannot say I enjoy moments without reading His words these few months.  It's a struggle even when I can only do daily devotion when I get up from my bed and not leaving my room to attend to her needs.  That special moment of reading more of His words seems to means there's a big part of my life is gone.  I really look forward to moment where I can read and meditate His words more every day, but having her walking around, asking me this and that and all, I cannot even concentrate in my works, what more in reading His words? 

Ok. I am sure you realised that my writing is completely out today. Well, I am.  I am not quite sure how long I can stand for being 'unorganised'.  Not that I dislike having my mom around.  I just cannot concentrate much on work, and life and I am 'disrupted'.  Sooner or later, I probably become not functioning and completely paralysed.  

The Covid19 situation here in Sabah is not contained and in fact, the situation is getting out of control, when the healthcare staffs are either quarantine or tested positive and out of 115 staffs, we are now left with 11 and due to this, there are many who are tested positive are still at their respective home and not being admitted in the hospital yet.  News says many are getting tested and found to be positive these days, including those in the restaurant, cafe, superstore, etc.  Everyone is now very worried if their neighbour, friend and relatives are tested positive.  Everyone is staying away from everybody.  At least we are trying to.  

I am kind of lost but at the same time, knowing that I should focus on Him, I kind of lost and do not want to bother.  Am I depressed? I think I am getting there because I have nothing to look forward to again and life seems bleak, so bleak now.  I know I need to declare Him as sovereign and all, but if this is His plan, who can escape?  No matter how much I want to escape and try to run away, I just can't and all I need to is to face the 'future', be it a bleak one or a bright one... and all I need to is to make sure that I am facing it with God.  

While I finished Revelation today.  One of the questions posed was, "are you choosing the Prostitute of Babylon or the Bride in Jerusalem?"  Are you holding on with what this World can offer you or holding on to God even though the process to the final destination is a difficult one?  Are you holding on to the promise that the Lamb of God will be seated on the throne and judge the living and the death and to check whether your name is in the book of life (both Judgment 1 and Judgment 2).  Which way am I heading to and what steps should I take next, especially in this awkward and weird season? 

What's my future? Well, I never have any to begin with.  I always find myself not having any future to look forward to.  Everyone knows about this.  If I have to die today, I am ready to.  But while I still alive and kicking, no matter how difficult life would be in the next few months or years, I will do all my best to hold on to Him until the very end.  

It is a tough journey ahead. Lord, have mercy and grace upon me.  

- Facing the 'future'. - 

Rejection

Rejection.  It probably started even before I was born that I feel rejected.  Except a few, many expect me to be someone I cannot be and when I am not the one they expected, I am rejected. Since young, the sense of rejection is very strong in me.  I know not many likes me an even during youth time, I was told face to face that no one wants to be my friend.  I do not belong to any group of friends and certainly not having any good friend or best friend in my life.  I cannot recall I have a friend whom I can talk about or any so-called BFF in my life.  There's none.  I am not being invited to any birthday party, any gathering, any fellowship or meet up.  NEVER.  That is not a system in my life at all.  Even if I am invited to a movie date, people forget about getting me a ticket, etc.  To a point, the cinema boss saw how pity I was and gave me a free seat.  People generally will only look for me when they need my help, otherwise, there I go, ... being forgotten and left out. "I am busy" is commonly used to tell me to not disturb them and their lives. 

When I was in church ministries, the same happened.  When there's something great to do, my proposal and ideas were rejected.  I not wanted, and when they need me to do things no one wants to do, they will pass it to me.  In summary, I am a dustbin.  Useful, but only to collect rubbish. Life hasn't been easy the past 45 years as none of the days I am not being reminded that I am a rejected soul.  I have learned however, to be useful still by doing my only purpose and job = collecting rubbish, doing things people refused to do because it is not something that can bring fame and recognition to them.  Be it I need to pay to repair the 'dustbin', I will do my best to get it sorted.  Often, I am being kicked around and most of the time, dirty and hurt, still, I hold on to that principle that, I am doing what I am called to be, a dustbin. 

I almost gave up 2 or 3 years ago because I don't see any future laid ahead for me if I continue to be doing all these.  It's hiring when no one recognised your efforts or there seems to be nothing to look forward to. However, someone through one or two people (Client included) told me to keep up and encouraged to continue to do the only thing that I am called to do, and do it right and well.  I did.  No matter how many times I am being rejected or I feel the pain of being rejected, I take comforts that God and/or Jesus do understand the pain I am going through because Jesus was and at some point still being rejected too. He certainly knows what I am going through and how much I can hold on to this until.  He will certainly give me a way out from this too. 

It used to be a very difficult situation to go through.  But now, I can take comforts that He understands and this will soon be passed.  The year 2020 to many is a year that is so hard to get through but for me, it's like the whole world finally is in my shoes.  It is a year I enjoyed the most, despite the pandemic.  It is having the best relationship moment with God that makes everything seems so different.  Just like 1 Peter Chapter 2 says, if I am putting that focus on Him and get away from all the deceits, malice and evil things in the world or the world introduced, everything will be good.  The rejection will soon be dissolved and that I will enjoy royal priesthood with Him.  

I pledged therefore that I will not put my focus on the rejection and/or being loved and recognised by people, but I will focus on Him, having the relationship with Him and continue my journey as long as what I do pleases Him and wins His approval.  I hope, by His grace and mercy, I am able to hold tight until the day He comes again.  

For trying to achieve a bit of fame and recognition of the world, well, I guess, it doesn't matter to me anymore.  After all, the process of rejection since young has made me realised that it is not important anymore as I am immune to it.  Reject me in whatever way you want it.  That's all right. Only being rejected by God is what I fear of and only through rejection, I know how much He loves me because all He wants of me, is to spend all my time with Him. 

Yes, and you haven't heard me saying He loves others more than me for a long time now, because it is undeniable that He does love me.  

- Rejection - 

God's Will

I remember telling some of my mission trip friends in 2018 that, life has been too mundane after I finished with my LL.M with the University of Edinburgh in 2017.  Unlike many, for me, there's nothing much to look forward to. I was searching for jobs across the globe, thinking, since nothing exciting for me at the moment, why not just spend a few years elsewhere and do something I like instead of practising law in Sabah, which is seriously not profiting much and at the same time, making me feel so bored and meaningless.  I struggled for a few years doing what may come my way and which is not what I want to do and obviously at midlife, that made me kind of lost. I always think there's not much future to look forward to in life for me as long as I continue to be a practising lawyer the way I am, ie. not the conventional, aggressive and typical type of lawyer.  I will never be able to achieve anything and if that's so, I might as well just enjoy what I will love to do (vetting some documents, drafting some agreements, etc.) for some big company, etc.  

Believe me when I say, all my more than 300 applications to work in a corporate company were all being rejected.  When I told my friends these, they all laughed and said, I am obviously not all are under-qualified but overqualified.  Some are underqualified experience with overqualified expertise, which they cannot afford to hire, or deemed that I will be very difficult to deal with.  Whatever it is, I feel disappointed that God never loves me or give me a chance to venture into a different area of practice.  I was feeling despair and discouraged and feels that, "that's it, life will be like this forever until I died, and death better come soon".  

Worse still, while I continue to sulk over meaningless life, one of the decisions in an on-going case which I won in the High Court was overturned by the Court of Appeal totally out of expectation because the Court of Appeal obviously did not understand the laws on parallel importation in IP law.  I was completely shocked, while my opponent was overjoyed because it's something unexpected.  I think I checked my own submission for like 10 times to see if there's anything I have done wrong or missed out.  I started to doubt myself, my judgment, my understanding, my ability and whatever that you can think of.  I was kind of loss when the decision was pronounced to us that day.  A few hours after the decision was pronounced, surprisingly, 2 lawyers who handled IP law who were in court then called and texted me only said, "Pei San, the decision given by Court of Appeal is so wrong.  You need to bring the matter to the Federal Court".   I picked myself up (even though I have no confidence in myself, but with their assurance, I know I need to doubt myself less, but still doubting if I am able to bring the matter to the Federal Court by getting across the "leave" level), and called my clients, explaining to them what happened, it's not our fault, but the misjudgment of the Court of Appeal, etc and I came immediately came out with a few points of why this matter need to bring up to the Federal Court (with no guarantee that we are able to get leave). Clients agreed that this matter needs to appeal to the Federal Court but with there's so little chance that we can get leave to appeal,  I agreed to do my best with very little fees.  

I have never applied for leave before and when I told one of my KL friends, she immediately offered help and she's so amazing that she vet through all my drafting and we filed the papers.  It was a crazy year this year.  The hearing was postponed a few times, but fixed for submissions and hearing in August for hearing in September.  I was literally stuck from July until now with my mom and I couldn't concentrate at all at work, what more with writing a submission for leave application? I was so lost until this friend of mine told me she is in need of money as business was greatly affected due to the pandemic.  I asked if she can help me with the leave application submission since she has been helping with the filing of the documents earlier on which is not difficult for her to pick up.  She agreed and I am so glad.  Of course, I have to add on and finalist the draft submission before filing, correct and adding some points, I am so grateful that we did it, again.  

With so many things happening and all, I have so limited time to do my works properly and these few months have been so crazy that I only managed to read the submission again and prepare for hearing on the 28.09.2020.  Goodness me, the moment I walked in, I saw all those lawyers were flipping their documents, getting ready, etc.  During their hearing, I can see they refer to lots of documents for their submission and explanation of why leave needed to be granted and none of them got their leave application granted.  I looked at my opponent, he flipped through his submission (which only has 3 pages) a few times and I thought to myself, "Ok, what have I missed? Am I going to fail again?" 

My matter was called last.  Judges (chaired by Chief Judge of Malaysia) were being impatient as the previous few cases, lawyers spoke too much and not many issues on point.  So, after I addressed the court and told them the issue, they told me they have read my submission and all and they wanted to know if they are granting me, which questions I want. I submitted seven questions and I look at the questions, I told them "being greedy, I want them all" and all the judges laughed.  Well, I said, let me explained and they did allow me to explain.  No. There's nothing that I have prepared beforehand, I just went through my mind and put across my mind to let them see why I want them and think leave should be granted.  My opponent only relied on one issue - parallel importation.  I relied on my arguments on, no one is saying parallel importation should not be allowed, but we want to know what amount to parallel importation and what guidelines we need to have.  There is no case law in Malaysia has discussed this matter thus far and I want to know who is then responsible to all these goods that brought in illegally.  I can see all 3 judges nodded their heads and immediately I heard the Chief Judge of Malaysia said, "Order in Term".  Questions granted on Questions 1, 2, 3 and 4.  I thank the panel and next case was called and I left while my opponent is still looking through my written submission with his assistant.  

I went back to the office to rush other works while feeling, "YES, I DID IT". While my mind still wondering if this is true, my opponent called, to congratulate me and asked if I know this will be the landmark case for parallel importation from now on.  I know if I managed to get through the leave level, I know it will be.  He encouraged me and said I got him excited about law and he said he will make sure I do not miss out to file any papers as he is eager to see how this case turned out to be.  We are going to make history and we are going to make everyone understand more about the law of parallel importation. 

After the hearing and leave were granted, I cannot believe how many IP lawyers have contacted me and amazed that I got 4 questions granted for leave application.  Seriously, this never crosses my mind that it will ever happen.  Never that I thought I will have the case heard by the Chief Judge of Malaysia, I managed to make 3 federal court judges laughed and nod their head and even get a senior lawyer (my opponent) to call and encourage me.  I considered I have won this case now.  Regardless of whether this matter will be decided in my client's favour or not, I am glad I have made a contribution to the IP law world in Malaysia.  

I seriously have no idea what God plan is for me.  I do not know my future.  But I do know that He does have a plan and all I need is follow-through.  While I can plan my own steps, He determines and decide at the end.  I am not sure if I will end up doing what I like, but that doesn't matter.  Over the last few months, I know that it is all about His Will and not mine.  I have nothing so great that need to be fulfilled.  His eternal plan for all mankind and the world is more important.  Whatever that comes my way, let it be.  I only pray that He has grace and mercy upon me and let me suffer a little less, and I will be thankful enough. 

I know none of the achievement is by my own strength.  This opportunity did not come if not because I was handling a few matters for the same clients over the past 15 years.  This opportunity did not come if not because I met a crazy court of the appeal panel.  I might not have won the case in the High Court if not because the senior lawyer were too busy and occupied in Australia then.  For whatever reason, God has brought me thus far and it's certainly His plan and His grace.  

Since the beginning of this year, I have somehow realised that God loves me instead of, God loves others better.  I am sure He loves others and could be better too, but that doesn't mean He didn't love me.  I just have to hold on to Him and rely on Him more in order for me to see how much He loves me.  Thank God for loving me, giving me that bit of hope and a meaningful life moment, especially during this pandemic season. I love how you slow things up and let me have more time with You this year.  

Notes:  I wouldn't be able to enjoy working with corporate life this year due to the pandemic if I have accepted the offer. Well, in His time.  May be He will direct my path to another place or doing other things in the future.  I just need to be attentive to His leading.  In His time, not mine. 

May Your Will be done on earth as it is in heaven.  

- God's Will -