Our desire v God’s Will

“Conflict comes because our own selfish desires are not being met. James uses strong language; we might think he is being over the top—after all, we don’t literally kill one another. But as James’ older brother (Jesus) once pointed out (Matthew 5:21-22), we do not need to kill in order to commit a form of murder.”  “ Christians allowing these desires to erupt into conflict are forgetting God’s grace: “You do not have because you do not ask God” (James 4:2b). Prayerlessness is a sign that someone is trying to run things in their own strength, for their own sake, and under their own authority. Prayerlessness arises from a sense of independence from God—so that instead of praying about our desires, we indulge them. Rather than trusting in the Father, who delights in giving good gifts to his children (Matthew 7:11), we ourselves decide what is good and seek to gain it through our own efforts. As well as forgetting the grace of God, James’ readers also forget the goodness of God: “When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures” (James 4:3).” [Sam Allberry - James for you].  

I was to continue my reading on other books in the Bible after I finished Colossians, but I was drawn to read James instead.  There’s no accident that I study James these few days because apart from being reminded about how much we can be manipulated by the evil spirit to think that our own desire is what God is to fulfilled for us when we asked prayerfully, I am also being reminded that, at the end of the day, we should focus on whether it is His Will that our desire is to be fulfilled and whether our desire is part of His Will that He has planned and predestined for us.  

James also reminded me about not being a double-minded and when I read Chapter 4 about being adulterous, i thought, that’s irrelevant to me.  But that’s exactly who I am.  On one hand, i said I love God, but at the other hand, I love the world, i desire for the world things and having the lack of it, I actually blamed God for not loving me.  It sounds ridiculous, but in fact, it is just how all adulterous is.  I have came across many couples who went into divorce in my work.  Most of them who were being said to have committed adulterous will turned around and blame the other party for not being good enough, not being able to fulfilled their selfish desire and wishes instead, as if because of that, they have all the rights to commit adultery.  Just like us, when we are facing God and being caught of committed ‘adultery’ towards God.  We blamed Him for not fulfilling the desires of our hearts and that’s the reason why we left Him and we try to seek our own desires by our own efforts.  Just like Abraham and Sarai who think that they need to take that human sensible part to ‘help’ God in fulfilling His promise.  

Over the past one month, I have been in deep thoughts over this issue with a friend, who desire so much to be in relationship and/or marriage.  Her situation is understandable and there’s so much grounds and basis that we can think of to justify that needs and desires and yet, the question we stopped at was whether that’s what God want or just what we want.  My doubt came clear when I started with James Chapter 4 and being said I am an adulterous.  Well, of course to my friend, she said she’s not clear as to whether she is taking things to her own hand because God works in mysterious ways and He might just send a man into her life through all sorts of ways. Well, I agreed, but so as the evil spirit.  To me, seek His kingdom first will probably a good start. 

The desire of the world.  That covered a huge areas of issues in our life.  Chapter 4 in James also talked about whether it is our own desires (including your freedom of speech, freedom of religion, human rights, democracy) that make us started our quarrel with each other? When Jesus says, “Love your neighbour as yourself”, is neighbour consist of people in China or US , the black, the whites, those who hurts you and those who blesses you? Those whom you dislike and hates? Those who are not christians?  Or because of our desires for freedom, we can disowned His command and starting to kill others? Yes, Kill, as what James said when he referred to when he talked about being angry with your brothers and sisters.  

The world is in chaos.  Everyone is attacking everyone, all put their own desires as priority and grounds to vent their angers toward others.  Is that mean, we disobey His command? and if so, can we still call ourselves Christian or God’s children? 

I leave it to you to answer the above.  For now, i see the sin I committed, I grieve, mourn and wail over it.  Lord, have mercy and grace upon me. I hoping that He will forgive me for looking at my own desire greater than anyone’s else, especially His. Lord, thanks for the reminders.  

- Our desire v God’s Will - 

Lawsuits among believers

One of the causes of my depression some years ago was because of the hypocrisy of church leaders.  Yes.  You got me right.  It’s not just believers, but those who are supposed to be leaders, who are the shepherd who is guiding and tending us, the believers who got me in a depressive state and left me alone to ‘die’.  That’s my exact feeling and emotions then.  

1 Corinthians 6: 1-11 clearly stated how believers should do when it comes to disputes among believers and whether a lawsuit is an option.  It is clearly stated that, if there are any disputes, one should not look at their own interest and advantages and bring one another to courts. It is a shame. Yes. I feel utterly ashamed of what had happened when those so-called church leaders brought the church disputes to court to sue the Bishop of Sabah or the Archbishop of South East Asia.  I quote verse 7, “The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already.” What I couldn’t brained and accept it was that the two parties involved not only one bishop and some leaders, but a few bishops and mostly senior priest.  I couldn’t take it.  I find it ridiculous.  I gave up, without a fight.  When people started to attack me because I am on one side (current bishop then), everyone attacked me like nobody businesses in the PCC meetings and other church ministries.  I find myself not serving God, but trying to please people coming from every corner.  I felt drained, I felt unable to breathe, I felt I should give up and walked away, which I did.  I do not want to be part of any side.  

Yeah.  Shame on the believers.  Shame on the church leaders and shame on me, because I am too the believer, a trained advocate who is supposed to be able to arbitrate the matter, but Bishop Albert then did not want to burden me.  And me, I just walked away, sank under my sadness and depression. Shame on me, being God’s child but have failed big time to remain faithful to Him, focus on Him and His ministry, but to let the disputes to go the court, not bothering much about the court matters and let it happened and deal with before non-believers, even though that had caused even more depressive episodes to me and that I wanted so much to give up on being a Christian because I feel so ashamed to be part of that community.  Shame on me for running away and trying to gather me.  

I wonder if the party who won the lawsuit is feeling great about winning.  I wonder if things restored now to the ‘unproductive’ administrative of the church news means more people have come to know Christ? I wonder if any of these people who deemed successful, feeling as winners or feeling being defeated.  My heart sank the moment not I was attacked, but when leaders gathered their ‘flocks’ to go against the primate as if they are upholding justice, a justice that they have forgotten that is in God’s hand.  Passing judgment on others is easy.  I might be doing it now too, subconsciously, but I definitely feel like a loser ever since then and not even dare to tell others that I am a Christian, or I am from this church or denomination.  

Lord, I am sorry that I am such a loser in the past.  Help me to focus again on You.  

May our God sanctify and justified us in our daily walk with Him. 

- Lawsuits among believers - 

Favouritism

It’s been more than a month now that the Black Lives Matter movement has happened and people suddenly want to wipe the history out and demanding for their position to be established and recognized.  Everyone wants to be recognized, every race wants to have their stand and position, and everyone thinks they do have the rights for everything they want in the world, which does not just their voice be heard, but also their demand be fulfilled, a failure which, their rights is violated and not respected.  There goes the situation in 2020, which everyone is trying to endanger other’s life just because they think their voice is worth more interest than any other’s life, if not voice.

I was born Chinese race (and that’s what I put in every single form I need to fill in), in Malaysia, a Muslim country.  I am also a Christian (that’s what I put in every single form I fill in).  Malaysia is a democratic country where freedom of speech and freedom of religion is part of the Federal Constitution, which give us the rights to choose our religion and also the freedom to speak whatever you want to, as long as it is not against the governments and Islam and you have the freedom to be in whatever religion, but strictly no sharing of religions issues to Muslims and that’s the law.  I grew up understanding freedom comes with boundaries. I observe them and not only I am still bound under the law, but I also respect the laws, and even though I am fully trained with English laws, I can identify and recognized the differences of the laws between England and Malaysia and respect both them the same.

Racism.  Being Christian Malaysian Chinese, people will only recognize me as “CHINESE”, and not bothering whether I am from Malaysia or from China or even from England. As long as they saw my face, they know, I am a CHINESE.  For a Chinese to walked into a church in England, some people wonder (a) if I am a Christian; (b) whether I am a communist spy from China; (c) whether I have a clue where I am.  When they asked me where I am from and I answered Malaysia and they will give me a look like I am definitely not someone they want to welcome. ... and that’s Church in England that I was talking about.... until of course, they realized that my dad is a priest and thereafter, I got a BETTER treatment.

At work, in England... it was terrible.  People think I am a Chinese and they started to swear and talked bad about China and Chinese, the communist country, the treatment they treated their citizens (to be honest, I don’t think the citizen feels bad about how the government treats them and they are thankful they survived the day if not year) and when they realised I am not from China, they were curious to know how come Chinese are not living in China (Oh yes, they are that stupid) and think that I must be those blessed one, but not knowing how my grandma was sold to Borneo as a slave and all.  Cut the story short, I get bullied badly while working in England, as CHINESE or having a CHINESE face.

In church in Malaysia.  I was taught to wear my Sunday best to church on Sunday and if I am not, I feel awfully guilty about it.  That last till Secondary school time, where I read about what James says about favouritism.  Ever since, I am curious to find out how people sees me if I am not dressing up nicely to church, but just decently.  I dislike being treated ‘special’ and so many times, I rather attend other churches than those where my parents or brother are attending. I find their service or treatment is superficial.  Worse still when I saw them giving special treatments to the Datuk, Datin, the rich people, etc. because all I heard is they need monies for their churches and all.  Honestly, I dislike such acts.

I experienced this a lot in the past 25 years of my life and I seriously wonder if the church ever read and understand James Chapter 2.  Sometimes, I wonder if the churches have counterfeit faith in them too.  When i was in need of some help, all i gets from my pastor was, “this is the burden that you need to overcome it yourself and we are unable to help you to”.  I wonder if I am not a poor, sick soul but a rich sick soul, will things be different? or may be... if my parents are rich one? May be the church or the leaders will say, “we will ask the whole team to help you”.

I hate favouritism but I do know it happens everywhere, even in the church office and the priest’s home. Are we, those who shows favouritism is worthy to be called Christian? or are we those who claimed to have faith but failed to act is to call ourselves Christian?

I dislike favourites but it happens everywhere.  I hope those who claimed themselves a Christian, especially those who are trying to dominate the world, read James 2 thoroughly and apply them in their lives.  Well, I am not pointing that just to them obviously.

- Favouritism -