Dealing with the past

Last year April (2019), together with VT, we attended a conference to be guided to deal with our past.  The past that’s detrimental to our growth in Christ, the past that’s hindrance us from moving forward and the past that made us vulnerable or rather, feel vulnerable.  It’s a good 4 1/2 days conference, with their main focus on the Chinese believes and cultures.  It’s eyes opening to me because I don’t know 85% of the cultures and believes that they talked about.  Well, that will only means, my past was not dealt with the ‘Chinese cultures and believes’ so much that it has given me very concerned and bad effects in life today.  

Having said that, the way how the conference was conducted, however, gave me a guideline on how I can check on what and how things in the past has caused my thinking and reaction towards my future. The older I get, the clearer that certain events in the past did caused me think and react in certain ways. One example, I feel very upset and angry when someone told me he/she is ‘busy’ and therefore, not wanting to spend time even to text me back.  For many, it is understood that when someone is busy and they need to focus on their works and all, it is natural that text messages is the last thing they check on or reply, especially for matters that is not important.  For me, busy schedule (other things) is more important than me, i.e.  I am not important, I am being rejected.  That’s really something I need to learn how to let go. Over the years, I have been telling myself that, do I think some of my friends whom I have not contacted with for years is not important or I rejected them? I know the fact that this seldom happened, but yes, I don’t mean that too, even for those whom I hardly keep contact with.  Some of them, I know they wants me to back off and not disturb them, I will do that, because I care. I realised over the years that, I have been selfish. It’s all about me, rather than others.  Just because I feel rejected, I made demands that is almost impossible for any human to accomplished.  

At times, I even feel that God rejected me and gave better favour to others because I did not get what i wish and want from Him.  It’s all about me.  But everything happened in my life, should be all about Him.  Why He did what He did and what plans He has and had for me and for others, it’s all about accomplishing His plan and/or purpose and not mine.  

Whenever I think others are being selfish, I asked myself, if I am the one who is selfish? I am not doubting that others are smarter and gained better things in life, etc.  But did God not bless in enough? Am I not being taken care of all these years? Did I end up dead of hunger? What else do I need and want? God has been graceful enough to see me going through all these for years and yet He never punishes, take away everything from me, and still waiting patiently for me to ‘return’ to Him and focus on Him entirely.  Has not God being merciful and graceful to me? 

These four (4) months has been kind of a roller coaster ride for me.  Besides planning what’s next after the 15 years contract with God ended and dealing with myself in recovery from surgery and all, I really wonder now, ‘what’s next’ especially the feeling of knowing that the current chapter is coming to an end, but no door is open for the future yet.  The scariest thing is that I heard Him saying, just ends it and then I will show you.  SERIOUSLY? Do I have that kind of faith to do that? I beg the Lord for grace and mercy, at least to show me the ‘opening door’ before asking me to end the current one.  Lord, have mercy upon me. 

No.  I don’t think God rejected me.  I think I rejected His plan for me many times because of my selfish ambitious and wishes.  I always think He indebted to me because He said he will give me abundant life to the fullest and yet I am not having it.  Well, I don’t think I can win that argument to be honest.  It’s not about me having it or not.  I realised, it is whether it fits into His plan and whether it is good for me.  I have to believe and have faith in Him that He is doing all His best to give me the best at the same time, to let me into His plan.  I am not being rejected, even though He has all the reason to.  

- Dealing with the past - 

Best Christmas break ever!

We are in the second month of 2020 and I returned from UK a month ago after not just a meaningful Christmas, but also with lots of reflection, readings, conversations, discussion, insight sharing.  It's been a fruitful break.  

Over the past years, I have visited UK many times, but with people, that never lives in the UK.  It is difficult for them to understand what I like, why I did what I did, etc and I did not manage to get to do what I want, mostly.  The recent trip was brilliant.  Started a day with me waking up while my friend has left for work in the early morning.  Went to get the Court outfit (my first own purchased outfit) by entering into a manswear shop.  Yeah, guess once again I have to say that, the law profession is still a very man profession rather than unisex professions.  It was rainy and all but overall, I managed to get things sorted and thereafter went to meet up with a friend who's a priest, Matt Hogg in St. Alban, Fulham.  Met the family, had dinner together and I went home after that.  It was a good day and I was glad I was not suffering from any jetlag.  Went home, had a chat with my friend and slept.  The next day, woke up around 8am and decided around 9am to take a train to Bicester to get a few things.  As spontaneous as it was, everything seems smooth.  Got what I want, had lunch and headed back to London, put things down at the flat and off I go to meet my friend for dinner and then to Christmas Choir Carol Concert at All Souls Church, Langham Place.  I was tired and sleepy after dinner, but the Christmas Choir Carol Concert was awesome and so good that made me stay awake till midnight.  It was awesome and it was air live on BBC.  It was seriously good. 

Took the next two days spending time with my friend and her friends and CG members and it was fantastic.  Went for the Lion King musical on Saturday after an Indian meal an went to Christmas Carol Service on Sunday besides the morning service.  Had some time to visit some book stores etc. It's great.  23rd onwards, another friend came (her first time to the UK) and most of the time, we spent time doing what she wants to do.  We went to Kenwood House on 23rd, etc. etc.  It's just celebration of the birth of Christ thereafter until 26th.  Both Liz and I were so tired and we asked her friend to go around places she wants to on the 26th while we rest.  But we slip out for a short shopping at Wimbley in the afternoon and then back to do some online shopping instead.  haha... 

27th we went to Cotswold.  Had dinner at Victoria Station and had banana leaves mutton.  We spent some time sharing, etc. It was a good sharing day.  28th I went out to try to get something and met up with Dawn and Patrick for lunch.  Picked up online purchased at TM Lewin, Oxford Street and then meet up with Liz and her friend for dinner.  

29th. I went to church and after lunch, I took a train to Manchester to visit Janice and family. So great to have visited them for the first time at their home.  We always met somewhere.  Spent a night there and only left on the 31st morning. We had lots of fun on 30th, with yum cha, with steamboat and with playing games with Elina.  Arrived in London on the 31st afternoon, picked up some online shopping, and went straight home.  Put down my stuff and went to get dinner.  Cooked dinner for Liz and spent some time with Liz on new year eve, before we joined her church friends for a drink before the church service at midnight.  It was great.  We came home, clean sleep and the next day, I woke up, sorted things, packed and had lunch and went out for a movie (The Little Women) at ODEON LUXE.  My goodness, it's been such a long time since I had the salted popcorn that I always missed having.  

The events that I will not forget: 

(a) Book was given to me by Liz on my arrival:  Timothy Kelly's "The Prodigy Prophet". 

(b) The numerous church services, carols, concerts, prayer meeting, etc that I had in 2 weeks at All Souls Church, Langham Place

(c) The Christmas message about what Christmas is all about and not about joyous occasions or nativity, etc. The needs of praying for those who are depressed, in grief at this season, how we as Christian is to be around them, etc. during Christmas. 

(d) The end time is near.  

(e) We need to leave the old behind, we need to renounce our sin and be renewed again. 

(f) I was later given the book "The grief observed" by CS Lewis. I was looking for my copy and I think I lost it when I lost all my belonging in the sea in 2000.  Without knowing, Liz got me a copy. 

(g) My 'argument' about I am a sinner and I do not deserves His love, etc.  has resolved. 

(h) My issue of 'prodigy' is found and it's time to resolve it. 

Conclusion

It is important to have a godly friend who knows your struggles and just walk beside you while you struggle and keep silent and praying for God to intervene and talk to me. I am thankful for Him to send me Liz.  Most of the time, I do not need to tell more, she heard it from God and manifested to me instead. 

- Best Christmas break ever! - 

The meaning of Christmas!

December is here!  It's a month where it always full of memories of both good and bad.... and it's the month of the year that I feel utterly lonely most of the years.  It's also a month where I took off for 2 weeks just to relax.  With this year's many encounters in life, I have not taken any holiday except a mission trip to Switzerland in August.  It's as good as a break because I was totally put my mind away from works and merely focus on reaching out, learning new skills and knowledge, and engaging in ministries.  It's a fantastic experience, and it's definitely something I am glad I did it.  Awesomeness couldn't be left without thanking a great friend for journeyed this year with me, including the mission trip of course.  I am glad we went together.

Instead of the usual destination to 'cool' myself down and to regain my 'consciousness' at the year-end break (court recess), I am taking a big step (which fit in well to my this year's resolution - to be closer to God), by:  Be a kid and going HOME for Christmas. I cannot remember when was the last time I celebrated Christmas, which involves being closer to God.  Most probably, I never did right after I returned to Malaysia.  I guess this year is a year I can really enjoy Christmas the way it should be (get close to ponder over His love and being closer to Him) once again.  That's what I am trying to find this Christmas - the first love.  

I am glad my mom allowed me to do this even though I didn't tell her the reason I am going HOME, and she got so shocked that I am.  Well, I guess I do need to be selfish for once, to make sure that nothing hindrance me from being close to God. I am glad a friend is kind enough to offer a place for me to stay and to welcome me HOME (even to book me a taxi to take me from the airport, book me a Christmas Choir Concert, etc.)  I couldn't ask for more, but thankful that He has made everything beautiful this season for me to enjoy in His presence.  

So yes, "Be a kid and go Home for Christmas"!

- the meaning of Christmas! -