Having said that, the way how the conference was conducted, however, gave me a guideline on how I can check on what and how things in the past has caused my thinking and reaction towards my future. The older I get, the clearer that certain events in the past did caused me think and react in certain ways. One example, I feel very upset and angry when someone told me he/she is ‘busy’ and therefore, not wanting to spend time even to text me back. For many, it is understood that when someone is busy and they need to focus on their works and all, it is natural that text messages is the last thing they check on or reply, especially for matters that is not important. For me, busy schedule (other things) is more important than me, i.e. I am not important, I am being rejected. That’s really something I need to learn how to let go. Over the years, I have been telling myself that, do I think some of my friends whom I have not contacted with for years is not important or I rejected them? I know the fact that this seldom happened, but yes, I don’t mean that too, even for those whom I hardly keep contact with. Some of them, I know they wants me to back off and not disturb them, I will do that, because I care. I realised over the years that, I have been selfish. It’s all about me, rather than others. Just because I feel rejected, I made demands that is almost impossible for any human to accomplished.
At times, I even feel that God rejected me and gave better favour to others because I did not get what i wish and want from Him. It’s all about me. But everything happened in my life, should be all about Him. Why He did what He did and what plans He has and had for me and for others, it’s all about accomplishing His plan and/or purpose and not mine.
Whenever I think others are being selfish, I asked myself, if I am the one who is selfish? I am not doubting that others are smarter and gained better things in life, etc. But did God not bless in enough? Am I not being taken care of all these years? Did I end up dead of hunger? What else do I need and want? God has been graceful enough to see me going through all these for years and yet He never punishes, take away everything from me, and still waiting patiently for me to ‘return’ to Him and focus on Him entirely. Has not God being merciful and graceful to me?
These four (4) months has been kind of a roller coaster ride for me. Besides planning what’s next after the 15 years contract with God ended and dealing with myself in recovery from surgery and all, I really wonder now, ‘what’s next’ especially the feeling of knowing that the current chapter is coming to an end, but no door is open for the future yet. The scariest thing is that I heard Him saying, just ends it and then I will show you. SERIOUSLY? Do I have that kind of faith to do that? I beg the Lord for grace and mercy, at least to show me the ‘opening door’ before asking me to end the current one. Lord, have mercy upon me.
No. I don’t think God rejected me. I think I rejected His plan for me many times because of my selfish ambitious and wishes. I always think He indebted to me because He said he will give me abundant life to the fullest and yet I am not having it. Well, I don’t think I can win that argument to be honest. It’s not about me having it or not. I realised, it is whether it fits into His plan and whether it is good for me. I have to believe and have faith in Him that He is doing all His best to give me the best at the same time, to let me into His plan. I am not being rejected, even though He has all the reason to.
- Dealing with the past -
No comments:
Post a Comment