Tough Choices

It's always difficult to balance what you want/desire and what you should do.  God always has a sense of humour in putting me in a situation where I have to make a tough decision as such. 

I won a criminal case a few weeks ago.  Prior to that, I also won a few Court of Appeal cases.  I remember telling God when He first 'arranged' me to study law, that I will be a lawyer for Him but I once I have matters reported in the Court of Appeal, I will be satisfied and end the profession.  I did not know if the criminal case I won will go up to the Court of Appeal (I believe it will, but it all depends on whether the DPP will be able to arrest the accused again).  I told God, if you want me to remain in this profession, let me have 2 more criminal cases which will make me wealthy enough to stay on instead of struggling every month to make sure I have enough to sustain the firm, my staffs and myself.  With my qualification, I am very sure that I will get paid about RM30,000.00 per month, which I am obviously not getting it today. Everyone is telling me that God is putting me here in this position for a reason.  But I do not believe that He put me here to suffer and being stressed out every single day.  Yes.  God blessed me and protected me all these years (13 years), but can He at least, give me a life where I do not need to worry or struggle through every day?

It's a tough choice.  If I get my dream job in the UK, shall I leave everything, including my mom and go for it? Will I regret not spending time with my mom for the remaining of her life? If I stay back in my current job, I probably end up having to struggle through every day like how I struggle now.  I am feeling very tired and needed rest, but we all know that He might want me to go back to the Court all the time, to share gospels to those who are in need of salvation/repentant.  Am I trying to run away from His calling by trying to get a job in the UK?  I don't think so because dreaming to have a job and work in UK, which I am comfortable with and can grow spiritually has been my dream in the past few years.  But is the timing correct? I am not young anymore.  To start all over again would be difficult.  But without changes, no one is able to grow.  I am in need of a break, a growth and a change of lifestyle. 

I am seriously asking God now, please let me know if you can act on mercy and grace and give me what I want, and let me enjoy life in the UK for the rest of my life, so I can do more missionary works for you from the UK? Can you please be nice to me for once, without sending me to do works that I struggle to hold on to, please. Please, I mean it.  I need a break, a growth and a change of lifestyle.  Please give me a job I enjoy and that I can earn and I can have free time to go mission trips for you.  I need a group of people who can really support me and not like the situation now, where I feel like I am living life on my own, without any support. 

Please God, I plead for grace and mercy be given to me. Help me Lord, sustain me and please be nice to me and bless me abundantly.

- Tough Choices -

Achievement ?

I remember one mentioned that there is no such thing as Godly lawyer in this world when he realised that I, self-declared myself as one. All these years, I remind myself to be a Godly lawyer but what really defines one as godly lawyer exactly? It is not easy because to strike a balance between godly and at the same time to perform your duty as a lawyer, it is almost impossible. It is known to many that I can hardly find someone to work with. Most of the people of course of the opinion that (a) I am not business minded at all (b) I have strange thinking and (c) I am not easy to cope with.  I don’t blame them because 99.9% of people to end up studying law and practising law only has one aim, that is to earn monies and lives a good and wealthy life.

As for me, I never choose this profession and if I have the choice, this is definitely not my ideal and chosen career path. I don’t mind when God pushes me to study law. Selfishly, I wish somehow that He lets me be successful in climbing the corporate ladder instead of practising law.  Life would be so much better if I can just go to work every day as the legal advisor or even law professor, either one, I don’t mind. But He did not. This is my 13th years of practice. I remember negotiating with Him that I can practice law, but maximum for 15 years, and a minimum of 10 years. Thereafter, I want to do what I like.

I was thinking of the next thing I want to do after law profession a few years back and I took the liberty and finished my Master's degree. Having achieved the LL.M, I felt dream achieved. But at the same time, I realised God has assigned me a task. A criminal case was given to me. Someone was charged with Section 39B(1) Dangerous Drugs Act 1952. He is facing a mandatory death penalty. He felt hopeless but not remorse of what he has done. He told me he was only given the task by his boss to take a bag from a hotel room and he was arrested on his way out.

I told myself, such criminal, doesn’t deserve any second chance and he deserves to be punished with the death penalty.  On my first visit, he appeared to me that he was in fear and he didn’t know what to do. As much as I want to believe all that he was telling me, part of me disbelieve in his ‘story’. He could have done it, or might not have. That, I might not find out now or in future. Only he knows what happen exactly.  Visits about visits.... the 2 years, I tried my best to understand what makes him end up in prison and what he is lacking in his life. Obviously, he never heard about Jesus that really shocked me.  I spoke to him about Jesus. Not much as he was reluctant to listen.  However, as Hope was so slim then, I did tell him to start praying and believing that there is hope.

It was a crazy two years coming from Kota Kinabalu to Tawau on and off for this case and to make several interviews with him.  Making sure he’s ok in the prison, not sick, etc. It’s not easy as he’s not my family member and to love such people, it is rather challenging most of the time.  Just before trial and prior to him giving his testimonies, etc, I find that he wasn’t able to testify to the quality and standard I wanted him to. Worrying was an understatement.

This is my first criminal trial. I have done many criminal matters in the past but they never go on to trial. It was about 8 years since I last handled one criminal matter, and my understanding of the procedure on the criminal is uncertain.  Nevertheless, with lots of flipping, thinking and checking on evidence, I attended the first day of the trial on 6th August 2018 with no hiccup.  In fact, the judge, who has a very high standard due to his academic achievement was impressed by my straight forward and sharp approaches. I went on and on for days until the prosecution case ended their case.  On the decision on prosecution stage, the judge ruled that there’s prima facie in the case and therefore the accused was asked to enter defence when the decision was pronounced in November 2018.   As the trial progresses well and fast, I questioned myself if I have done something wrong or did I missed some steps or points, which I should address during the trial.  The Accused entered his defence in January 2019 and it took 2 days.  After the accused entered their defence I felt even worse as my only witness - the accused did not do well and have spoken things that he shouldn't, which made me furious and lost confidence on myself.  I told the accused's niece (the person who appointed me) that this might not end up good.  However, all I did was to put into my submissions the issues I raised and leave everything to the Judge to decide. 

The Court first fixed 31.01.2019 and 14.02.2019 for Clarification after trial, but because I had a surgery on the 25.01.2018, the Court has fixed 06.03.2019 for Clarification after trial.  I was asked to answer the judge all the questions and I thought I did well as the DPP, Tuan Khairul at the end of the session also said I did very well.  Thereafter, the Judge instructed me to put in an additional submission on the mandatory death sentencing (there's an amendment).  I was given an impression that the Judge is now considering whether to give mandatory death sentencing or whether to use the new implemented amended sentencing if the accused falls within certain of the criteria stated. 

The Judge fixed 26.04.2019 to give his ruling.  The few days before 26.04.2019, I took out the file, reading it bit by bit and did a research on mitigation factors, and run mind through the possibilities to ask the Judge to transfer him to serve his sentence in Selangor since he is from Selangor and all his family members are in Selangor.  I listed some mitigation factors, which I think I will still address to the court, regardless of how useless I think they are.  

On 26.04.2019, I saw him being brought into the Courtroom with the other 3 accused.  I walked over, talked to him, ask him to prepare himself for the worse and I asked him to pray a little (even though I know he might not believe).  He only asked me one question.  Is that confirmed that I will be found guilty? My heart sank but I told him, "very big possibility".  We waited about 20 minutes before the Judge preceded (I knew it must be our case that he came in late).  Among all 4 matters, His Lordship called my case first and he delivered his judgment. As he delivered, I almost could not believe when he mentioned that he was not convinced of the prosecution's evidence entirely and that doubts are raised and that he found the prosecution did not proves its case beyond reasonable doubt and he ordered that the Accused be acquitted and discharged with immediate effect.  My heart stopped and wonder if I heard it correctly and I was stunned for a while until the court interpreter, Jerry and Connie and even Rose looked at me and Jerry gave me a thumbs-up with his right hand.  My friend, Liew Mei Yee seated next to me congratulated me and I stood up and thank the Judge, sat down and I saw the DPP (Tuan Hurman Hussein - new and only in his job for 3 weeks) looked away.  

When the Court adjourned, I saw quite a lot of people was in the courtroom.  I talked to the DPP, asking if he is appealing the decision and he said he will seek HQ's instruction but he said it is such a ridiculous decision as the Judge already found him to be in possession and how can it be not him who is trafficking, etc. I didn't comment because obviously, he did not know what was going on during the trial and what doubts we raised.  As I walked out of the courtroom, I check with the court registry as to whether he can be released here in the Court and no need to wait till he goes back to the prison.  They said as long as the court gave the warrant to do so, they will release.  Court interpreter, Connie was so kind that she sorted things out, and the accused was released before noon.  I said goodbye to him and ask him to start thanking God for a second chance as he was on his way to board to his sister in law's car.  I called his niece and everything seems sorted - for now, as the DPP do have 1 month to file their appeal.  By then, they will have to apprehend him. 

I drove home straight after he left.  I told my mom as I reached home and she was in shock and disbelieve.  None of us believes what happened.  I was tired.  I took my lunch and went straight to bed.  The next day, I was woken up by a message.  My pupil sent me a photo.  As I looked, it's a newspaper report, mentioned the case.  I read a bit and went back to sleep.  I got up from bed around 10am and told my mom there's the news in the newspaper and so she went and read and feeling amazed with what I can do.  So far, I hardly lose any case, but to win a case on drug trafficking, it's seriously something I think not a job that one lawyer can do.  We all know and read that, there are usually a team of lawyers who handle that kind of cases.  It considers that I did a good job in raising doubts and that's the one thing I keep telling myself from the start of the case until the end - raise doubt, even one, it is good enough.  

All glory to Him.  I seriously hope that through this incident, the Accused will come to know who Jesus is and that He is the God of hope and future.  For me, this is a great lesson.  I finally get over with the saying or curse that says, "I am stupid and I am not as smart".   I am thankful for all those in the Taiwan Mission Trip who again and again reassured me that, what I am doing is not everyone can do and that God has places that in me because He knows I can do.  I do know many locals would think that I released a criminal into the world.  But I stand on my belief that God loves criminals too and whether they got a second chance or not, it is not up to me to have a say, it is what God has for them and all I need to do, is to do His Will and share the gospel to these people whenever I am able to. 

I am sure I will be very lonely on this journey.  I do not expect a lot of people will understand this ministry.  I am gladful enough to have just one person who knows what I am doing and always pray for me in this.  May His loves be shown to the least 'qualify' person in this world.  Let's His 'standard' be used and not ours.  

Lord, thank you for answering my prayer, allowing me to serve You.  

Name is written wrongly in the chinese newspaper.  Suppose to be 凌珮珊

- Achievement? -

The meaning of Pain

Everyone who knows me long enough will know that I suffer from pain on my ankle every second of my life for the past 20 years.  It's been a norm somehow that pain to me, is nothing but part of my life.  Therefore, I am having a very high tolerance over pain.  

It was a pain at the back of my right side that made me visit the clinic in November.  The pain I suffered was so bad that I couldn't tolerate and suspected that something was wrong.  Upon checking with the MRI I did on my Spine and care examination by my GP, nothing seems to be serious that I need to worry about.  However, I was septical about the whole thing still and therefore, I did a full blood test.  The result came out some time end of November 2018 and I was told to go to the clinic.  The cancer marker was on a higher level, suggesting something is not right at my ovary. My GP did an ultrasound to check if there's something in my ovary.. and after much checking, she saw something looks like a cyst, which she was of the opinion that it's just a cyst, which due to my age, could subside within months and all I need to do is to do a close observation of it.  So, she scheduled me to go back for a review in early March 2019.  

After I came back from a mission trip in Taiwan on Christmas 2018, I was sorting out with the next mission trip in March 2019, to Ireland.  As I looked at the date, I felt that maybe I should get myself checked prior to March 2019.  So, I voiced my concern to a friend, who suggested I should seek the second opinion.  She gave me a contact and I called the clinic for an appointment the next day.  I went for a check and scanned and I was told by the specialist that, it is not so obvious that it is a cyst.  Instead, she's worry about my heavy blood drop and blood lost (I did a blood test 3 times within the past 4 months and it shows a severe blood drop), which could be due to what's inside or outside my ovary.  The only way to get it checked properly is to get scoop done and to do that, I will need to be under anaesthetic, in which, she suggested that she will perform a keyholes surgery (laparoscopy) to remove whatever that's inside for biopsy.  So, I was scheduled (without being given a choice of not to do it) for surgery on the 25 Jan 2019.  

All these, lead by pain.  Without pain, I might not be able to realise something is wrong or not right or amidst.  Everyone needs pain in order for them to know their problem and to get their problem resolved.  During the whole process from surgery until recovering... I suffered some pain and some relief.  I didn't get things sorted by laparoscopy as there are more complicated issues discovered after they started laparoscopy and therefore, I also underwent open surgery to fix what's needed to be fixed and to take out, what's to be taken out.  Instead of 3 small holes, I have 3 small holes with a wide open cut.  

Today, it's almost reaching the 3rd month (still second month) after surgery.  For the past 2 months, the middle hole was without sensation.  When the gel was put or my hand touches that area, I wouldn't be able to feel any sensation on it.  These few days, I guess it is recovering... and I could feel pain on it.  Once again, I wonder, if the pain is better with or without.  Without pain, I probably would have moved uncontrollably and carelessly, I have very high chances of injuring myself or the wounds.  With the pain, I am more careful to know whether I should move more or less.  

I am somehow glad that I can suffer pain.  However, at the same time, I am bothered by the pain, during menstrual, as the pain can be so severe that I need to take Celebrex to stop it.  Dr said it must be a reaction that moves through the surgical wounds that cause all the pain.  Now, for once, I wish the pain is gone, which mean, I am fully recovering from this whole surgery. 

By faith, I hope I am fully recovered by August 2019 so I can enjoy without worry to go for my next mission trip.  

Lord, I know the existence of pain has its meaning and usefulness.  However, please help me to recover fast and well so that I can go for my next mission trip.  Amen!

- The meaning of Pain -