The meaning of Pain

Everyone who knows me long enough will know that I suffer from pain on my ankle every second of my life for the past 20 years.  It's been a norm somehow that pain to me, is nothing but part of my life.  Therefore, I am having a very high tolerance over pain.  

It was a pain at the back of my right side that made me visit the clinic in November.  The pain I suffered was so bad that I couldn't tolerate and suspected that something was wrong.  Upon checking with the MRI I did on my Spine and care examination by my GP, nothing seems to be serious that I need to worry about.  However, I was septical about the whole thing still and therefore, I did a full blood test.  The result came out some time end of November 2018 and I was told to go to the clinic.  The cancer marker was on a higher level, suggesting something is not right at my ovary. My GP did an ultrasound to check if there's something in my ovary.. and after much checking, she saw something looks like a cyst, which she was of the opinion that it's just a cyst, which due to my age, could subside within months and all I need to do is to do a close observation of it.  So, she scheduled me to go back for a review in early March 2019.  

After I came back from a mission trip in Taiwan on Christmas 2018, I was sorting out with the next mission trip in March 2019, to Ireland.  As I looked at the date, I felt that maybe I should get myself checked prior to March 2019.  So, I voiced my concern to a friend, who suggested I should seek the second opinion.  She gave me a contact and I called the clinic for an appointment the next day.  I went for a check and scanned and I was told by the specialist that, it is not so obvious that it is a cyst.  Instead, she's worry about my heavy blood drop and blood lost (I did a blood test 3 times within the past 4 months and it shows a severe blood drop), which could be due to what's inside or outside my ovary.  The only way to get it checked properly is to get scoop done and to do that, I will need to be under anaesthetic, in which, she suggested that she will perform a keyholes surgery (laparoscopy) to remove whatever that's inside for biopsy.  So, I was scheduled (without being given a choice of not to do it) for surgery on the 25 Jan 2019.  

All these, lead by pain.  Without pain, I might not be able to realise something is wrong or not right or amidst.  Everyone needs pain in order for them to know their problem and to get their problem resolved.  During the whole process from surgery until recovering... I suffered some pain and some relief.  I didn't get things sorted by laparoscopy as there are more complicated issues discovered after they started laparoscopy and therefore, I also underwent open surgery to fix what's needed to be fixed and to take out, what's to be taken out.  Instead of 3 small holes, I have 3 small holes with a wide open cut.  

Today, it's almost reaching the 3rd month (still second month) after surgery.  For the past 2 months, the middle hole was without sensation.  When the gel was put or my hand touches that area, I wouldn't be able to feel any sensation on it.  These few days, I guess it is recovering... and I could feel pain on it.  Once again, I wonder, if the pain is better with or without.  Without pain, I probably would have moved uncontrollably and carelessly, I have very high chances of injuring myself or the wounds.  With the pain, I am more careful to know whether I should move more or less.  

I am somehow glad that I can suffer pain.  However, at the same time, I am bothered by the pain, during menstrual, as the pain can be so severe that I need to take Celebrex to stop it.  Dr said it must be a reaction that moves through the surgical wounds that cause all the pain.  Now, for once, I wish the pain is gone, which mean, I am fully recovering from this whole surgery. 

By faith, I hope I am fully recovered by August 2019 so I can enjoy without worry to go for my next mission trip.  

Lord, I know the existence of pain has its meaning and usefulness.  However, please help me to recover fast and well so that I can go for my next mission trip.  Amen!

- The meaning of Pain - 

Divine Acceleration

Few months ago, I was searching for the true meaning of life (once again), as I am still reluctant to accept that i am going be a lawyer by profession until the day I died.  This profession is meaningless to me.  People might find this the best job, a very 'high class' professions that I can earn millions in a short period of time.  However, that's not exactly what life is suppose to be.  I don't want to spent all of my life, at least not the rest of my life... to just on earning a life, which I cannot enjoy.  

Just when I was pondering over what can be the most meaningful thing in life besides the norm - having a family, have children, earn a living, being slaves to them and died, I received a text message from my dad's previous boss, who is the chairman of the OM Malaysia.  It reminded me that many times on the Doulos ship and while serving the missionaries on the ship.. the promise He made to me and the promise I made to Him.  No.  He did not send me to Doulos because He has a better plan in His kingdom.  He called the best in the family - my brother to do an even greater job in the past few years and assigned me a task to take care of my parents.  I was 'asked' by Him to serve in the local church for years until 8 years ago (not sure if He said stop or I quit without His approval), but I completely broke down wonder why on earth, this bunch of so-called Christian acted like they are God and none seems to be able to hear God. 

It's been 8 years since I serve God in any area of His ministries.  It's weird though that, people always tell the congregation that they do not have enough workers to serve and yet, they never take the effort to find or give others the opportunities. hahaha... Anyway, No. I do not want to work in the church (as I told a friend yesterday).  However, what she said somehow made me think further on the statement i made.  

Whether is church or not, It's not for me to decide.  More so, was it because of my family history that prevented me from serving Him in church all these while? I am glad my mind was wild enough to take up the challenge to join 2 mission trips, one to Taiwan and one to Ireland. I don't like Taiwan much... Going to Taiwan ultimately became a challenge for me as from the food to the culture, I know I am going to suffer a lot.  But God somehow shows me that if He places me to the place He wants me to, He is in control of everything.  I guess do know all the needs of all the 16 of us.  He somehow uses the 16 of us (20 plus the locals), helped each others in every area of our service to minister to each others.  I am glad I met some really good people whom i can share my heart and burder with, despite the fact that we don't know each other well enough.  And just because of that, we never judge and we always encourage and pray together without criticism.  

I always thought pride is my issue, but God shows me that i can be humble too and when Solomon (the OM Tung Luo incharge) told me he is blessed by my humilities, it took me a while to wonder why he said that.  I guess i realised only recently that he saw the comment that the 2 people who recommended me to the programmes and he also knew how much I can do and yet I have been quiet and humbly follow every instruction.  

Seeing Solomon and Lydia lead the group and how they focus in their ministries while coping with children and sick children for days while leading us, etc. It's amazing how God raise missionaries and how much they can do for Him, without complaint.  

I might have focus too largely on the failure I did in serving Him in CCL.  But God has shown me that, if CCL doesn't wants me to be there, they are going to face the justice they deserve one day.  If they have rejected me, God is here for me and ... if CCL doesn't want me, He can use me on other places, as long as I am willing.  Yes.  All Saints too might not be the place for me.  I thank God St. Patrick remains the pillar of my 'church life' and people are always there for me as long as one of them know who my parents and my brother are.  

These few weeks, God has spoken to me like answering every single of my inquiries.  The moment I asked a question, i got an answer the next day.  He is just great and wonderful and the most important thing is that, i forgot, He actually loves me very much, STILL! Thanks for those who constantly remind me that He still does... 

It could be a time to pause and listen and rest in the past few years.  However, i believe this year is a year that i can press on the acceleration paddle... and moves forwards, swiftly.  I do not know what's next.  I am putting my trust in Him completely.  I might only have 1 week of life left.  No one knows if i am going to survives the surgery.  But I have come to term that He is the Lord and I will let God be God and let Him take full control of my life.  If i died next week, i have nothing to regret.  I just hope people one day will come to Christ because of my little action.  

It's encouraging to hear that even in my dad's funeral, God has used that to call upon someone to go full time and responded to Him.  Lord, you are God indeed.  I am willing to be used.  But, are you sending me? 

- divine acceleration! - 

What can annoys me the most?

Most people only understand that I am emotional at most of the time.  None understand that most of the time, they are the one who annoys me to the max.  I hardly react to annoyance, to be honest.  When I reacted, people thought, I am emotional.  Well, that's explainable because when the annoyance reaches the limit, I just reacted and my sudden reaction is therefore deemed to be 'emotional'. 

Seriously, those who knows me well knows that I don't react to things, or scold people or angry or started to throw things most of the time.  Sometimes, they think I will be angry, I didn't.  Sometimes, they think that situation will make me scold people, I don't.  Many times, those who are close to me find my calm reaction as 'unusual'.  But no.  Most of the time, the usual reaction was when I reacted to the annoyance at my maximum level.  Hence, I told people, stop challenging me.

Having a pupil is the greatest challenge I ever had.  Not that I do not teach or I am not willing to teach or to retain my pupil after their pupillage.  It's how the person's attitudes in learning.  During my pupillage, besides my bosses, I do have a few seniors who are my friends and uni-friends too.  I have learned to respect them as my seniors and I work (and not study) like I working for my bosses.  I never treat my bosses as friends, nor do works with attitudes (choose what you want to learn and not want to learn and what you like to do, what not), and I don't keep asking questions like I did when I was in Uni time.  In fact, I never did.  I studied and find out and took the extra efforts to learn.  That's why I never have a 'precedent' to follow because I checked through the Rules and the Forms accordingly.  In other words, I did my own research.  When my bosses asked me to read 7 books within a day while I have 3 more bosses' works in the line, I didn't say NO.  I said I will try and I did read up and had a good discussion the next day.  What I sacrificed?  My sleep.  Is it worth it? it is!  People will never understand the corporate world more than I do in Sabah these days.  The knowledge and the experiences I gained, it's mine forever. 

My pupil loves to ask around.  Never check things, but ask first.  Despite the fact that I asked her not to do so many times, she keeps doing it.  For researches I asked for, none is done during the 12 months pupillage.  What did she do most of the evenings? of course to hang out with friends, had some drinks, a nice dinner, church activities, and sleeps.  Treating pupillage as part of her uni time.  For people who don't like to learn, I find it reluctant to teach.

I have to admit that I gave up teaching her after so much attempts taken.  She expects to work like a clerk or office boy who just follow instruction, don't use her brain and just sit there, not moving. Even though she drafted a letter, she will expect I go sign the letter, without her having the trouble to bring up for me to sign it.  She expects that she is the boss and I am her clerk.  That's the impression I get every single day. For issues I wanted her to think about as a lawyer, there's none success so far.

Upon many excuses I tried to give myself, including discussion the matters with other senior lawyers, everyone gave me a conclusion, that she just wants to be Called to the Bar, and not practising as a lawyer.  I do not know if this is true.  But having such person in the Bar, I foresee, I am contributing to the incompetent of lawyers in this society. 

Seriously, deep down in my heart, I wish her all the best in her building her career.  On the other hand, I really wish she is humble enough to learn.  My greatest regret in this whole process is that I didn't know she has attitudes problems and I took her in thinking she can be a great help.  She obviously didn't and her presence has caused so much difficulties to the firm and to my life.  I am glad somehow that her pupillage is over and she told me she is leaving on the exact day before I can offer her a place.  I guess God knows best what's best for me.

What can annoys me the most? People's attitudes!

- What can annoys me the most? -