Emotionally challenged!

I cannot believe when was the last time I had series of emotional failure.  Yes, failure due to unable to control, unable to control not because it is just emotions, but also..... the feeling of life and death - unable to breath... 

A friend came to stay with me... it was a good 2 1/2 years and I thought the episode will not happen again.  Unfortunately relapsed occured before I realised it and it's too late when it outburst to an unacceptable consequences, both for me and for her.  Looking back, i got better because she was there to help, but when she releases her hand ... I was lost even though i took so much efforts to control it for months.... yes.  I failed again and this time, it costs me a dearest sister and friend.  No one to blame except myself.  

How did it happen and why? I guess besides God, no one else understood the exactly reason and how it happen and why can't it happen in a better way and timing.  I realised my sadness and depressive mode could have been delayed when my dad passed away, but little did i know that i didn't aware that i pushed the emotions down by works and taking care of my mom for a year... when I got so down during the year end trip, i suppressed it until i returned home for Christmas where it was so bad.  Christmas without dad in 2017 (first year without him), was hard, but i didn't know it's even worse in 2018 (2nd year) especially when i went for my Master Degree graduation and returned.  It's more like i am done with what i need to do... including what i promised dad i will do - to get a Master Degree in Law. The emptiness suddenly sink in and I wasn't able to breath.  I was trying to find someone to talk ... and to no avail as everyone is busy with their own life.  Yes.  People only around when they needs me, not when i need them.  

After realising that people won't be available for me when i needed them, i started to push people away. Of course the one staying with me get most of it... from anger to pushing her away....it's just anger... angry that she didn't bother, she didn't realised, she didn't help and she didn't care. Unintentionally, i have uttered words that hurts her so badly because whenever i speaks, she kept silent and when she did that, i felt even more angry.  To a point, yes, she now accused me that I emotionally abuse her.  I am glad she moved (rather, i pushed her out when i know i couldn't hold myself anymore as she is not doing anything to change or to improves the way she treated me to makes me feel better.  Instead, she keeps telling me she is not a professional and she can't help much).  True, but sadly, .... yes.  No one can help to be honest.... not even myself or the dr.  The pain in it... is killing me.  And everytime those kind of words spoke to me..... it deemed as rejection.  Total rejections... which she will not understand until one day she experience it herself.  Every single words she utter to me like a sword or gun that shoot and aim at me. Literally pushed me to a point i wanted to kill myself so badly.  

Every single time i told her i am to kill myself, she will not bothers... and let me be and she walks away.  She's my closest friend... and .... she's doing that to me every single time.  Emotionally, I am challenged, very much.... to kill myself because of what she did and said.  Every day, i battle through life... and death and yet, all she is seeing is, i emotionally abuse her.  hahahahaha.....

How can a normal person says she emotionally abused by someone who has proven medical emotional problem? I don't know who is challenging who...... i only know i stab myself with a knife a few times but not dead yet after what she did and said. 

Well, may be i did abuse her emotionally because to her, i didn't like her going out with her new found boyfriend.. and everytime when i got angry because of what she said and did.... she related it to the new boyfriend.  In her eyes and mind... it's about the guy.  Every of her focuses is him and as long as not hurting her and her boyfriend, it is ok for me to die.  

Emotionally, i am very much challenged.  

I gave up living ... 

- Emotionally challenged! - 

Beginning of 2018

I just realised I didn't write any post for 2017.  I was busy... oh well, most probably that's the only excuse I have.  After dad passed away on the 8th December 2016, everything came to stop.  Life has not be the same anymore.  My lifestyle changed.  I refused to accept it and thereafter, I made arrangement to send mom to England for a month and a half before I went over to bring her back.... then strives so hard to finish my LLM, which it ends in the end of August 2017. Right after that.... my dear friend Leane has found her love in her life and she has left me since then.  It's a challenging year indeed.  To need to cope with too much of changes.  Mom's constant visit and coping with loneliness and changes and heavy workloads.... the whole 2017 wasn't an easy year for me. 

Just when i thought 2017 can end with a good holiday (Finland and England and Scotland (for graduation on the 29.11.2017)), 2017 Christmas was the worse I ever had with me feeling lost, rejected, neglected and completely not wanted.  It was a quiet, but yet..... terrible Christmas.  Worse when I came back to KK for the new year where, loneliness and loss continue to haunt me like nobody business.  For the first month of 2018, this year has not started well at all.  I was trying very hard to search for my life, my new aim (if any) and the purpose of my life. 

Good thing is, i started 2018 with getting back to God, praying very hard to God and finding ways for missions and at the same time, coping with works that drains me as usual.  Just within weeks, i have sent out at least 6 resume and job applications and wishing that God will open a door for me so I can lives a better life.  I need a break, a long few years kind of break, but is my finances going to be able to sustain me? ... and how long it is going to sustain me for?

At times, I don't feel like i want to continue to lives.  Even the closest person in my life will leaves me for her love even though I spent so much time, efforts and love on her.  I wonder, what's the purpose of loving others? I have to accept the fact that there's not a soul in this world that will love me.... there's no one loves me as who I am and obviously, even with efforts and time and love poured out for them, there's still no one who will loves me.  The reality is, i am a rejected soul, not being loved and not being cared for.  People forgets about me when they found their other friends, their love, their family, etc. 

The battle to sustain my life in 2018 is very challenging. 

The last quarter of 2016

The last quarter of 2016 has been a rather difficult few months for me be it, spiritually, physically or financially.  I am challenged to the maximum this 4 months.  First with sickness during the time where I am at the verge of submitting my 20% assignment and to cope with my studies, only to discovered that I have got measles after one to two weeks of having fever.  After that, there are numerous incidences at home which caused me to travel back and forth between KK and Tawau, that includes the demise of my beloved father on the 8th December 2016 at about 8pm, while I am in the midst of sorting two summons, 3 trials and my 60% assignment.

Life has been difficult.  I realised from all these, who are the people that stand besides me and who are not.  There are many who only come into my life when i am in good shape and left when they realised the bad side of me.  I am thankful to have those who knows the bad side of me and yet stay on to make me a better person and I am thankful for them in trusting me that i will be a better soul in future.  There are people that shaped me and there are people who only put blames on me for what happen to them but did not look what they did on me.

Worse still, when dad passed away, I realised there's few people who sent their condolences simply to 'redeem' their own mistakes and fault and to feel better with it.  For the past 5 to 6  years, they never send a greeting or regards, but only now, that they send their condolences just so that they don't feel bad and they will close this chapter in their lives.  Selfishness as I call it, well, it happens to almost everyone, including my own brother who only 'appear' to be the 'big brother' and next head of the family when dad passed away, trying to show up, take control of everything and disappeared, leaving the rest of the works and responsibilities to me.

People used to tell me that you will only see who are you true friends when you are in difficulties.  Well, I have seen a lot these few years.  There are too, people who loves to create stories behind and defame your name because they are too afraid that their bad part in their life is being revealed.  I often being the victim of all these non-sense.  People says i did not look for so and so for few months now and who knows, I have been blocked completely (in FB) by her and that hurts too much for me to care much about her?

There's always two sides of the stories.  Call myself selfish, well, I am rightfully claiming this rights, so myself is protected and myself is feeling right at least for denying such a friendship in my life. No. I don't want these kind of friends or people in my life.  Call me heart less or no love.  Whatever it is, I think i deserves a better life or lifestyle.  Call me selfish and I agree that I should at least selfish for once rather than being too nice and let others take me for granted.

These few months, i am reminded why I like to be with myself and no other people.  It is still better that way - distance myself from being too close to anyone at all.  Thank God for a group of people who know what i am suffering and still stand by me even it cost them to argue with their parents over 'endangering their life' to be with the sick one [well, once you are diagnosed to be sick, you are always labelled as sick].  Thank God for those who are here to trust me of who I am and still believe me as who i am.

This is my favourite month, but it is also a month I am very much down in mood.

Hoping that 2017 is a better year.

- The last quarter of 2016 -