Beginning of 2018

I just realised I didn't write any post for 2017.  I was busy... oh well, most probably that's the only excuse I have.  After dad passed away on the 8th December 2016, everything came to stop.  Life has not be the same anymore.  My lifestyle changed.  I refused to accept it and thereafter, I made arrangement to send mom to England for a month and a half before I went over to bring her back.... then strives so hard to finish my LLM, which it ends in the end of August 2017. Right after that.... my dear friend Leane has found her love in her life and she has left me since then.  It's a challenging year indeed.  To need to cope with too much of changes.  Mom's constant visit and coping with loneliness and changes and heavy workloads.... the whole 2017 wasn't an easy year for me. 

Just when i thought 2017 can end with a good holiday (Finland and England and Scotland (for graduation on the 29.11.2017)), 2017 Christmas was the worse I ever had with me feeling lost, rejected, neglected and completely not wanted.  It was a quiet, but yet..... terrible Christmas.  Worse when I came back to KK for the new year where, loneliness and loss continue to haunt me like nobody business.  For the first month of 2018, this year has not started well at all.  I was trying very hard to search for my life, my new aim (if any) and the purpose of my life. 

Good thing is, i started 2018 with getting back to God, praying very hard to God and finding ways for missions and at the same time, coping with works that drains me as usual.  Just within weeks, i have sent out at least 6 resume and job applications and wishing that God will open a door for me so I can lives a better life.  I need a break, a long few years kind of break, but is my finances going to be able to sustain me? ... and how long it is going to sustain me for?

At times, I don't feel like i want to continue to lives.  Even the closest person in my life will leaves me for her love even though I spent so much time, efforts and love on her.  I wonder, what's the purpose of loving others? I have to accept the fact that there's not a soul in this world that will love me.... there's no one loves me as who I am and obviously, even with efforts and time and love poured out for them, there's still no one who will loves me.  The reality is, i am a rejected soul, not being loved and not being cared for.  People forgets about me when they found their other friends, their love, their family, etc. 

The battle to sustain my life in 2018 is very challenging.