Sometimes or most of the time... I hope people that i am working with and rounds me be reminded always that I CANNOT read minds. It is harder to comprehend what they are talking about if they tend to contradict themselves with their words and/or the way they communicate with me. At one time, they told me they can get things sorted and then, they disappeared with the unfinished work for weeks.... I seriously cannot understand or read mind and I certainly do not want to make unsubstantial assumption. Are they incompetent? Or may be they are too busy? Or they cannot agree with me? Or when they said they can get things sorted but actually they can't? or I misunderstood what they told me in the first place? wait, or may be it is done? or ... at least to them it is and to me it is not? I mean hello? ... I can't read mind. When words / communication doesn't tally with actions, ... it stress me out. I am unable to comprehend and.... worse still if blames are put on me .... accusations and allegations are being pushed to me to justify. My reaction will be, "bloody hell, i don't even know what's going on in the first place, why me again? so now what to be solved again?"
so, ya... there's just too many of those people arounds me. Everytime i asked my clerk what happen to the matter, they will tell me.. and seriously usually it is done properly. But if it is not, the files sit on their table forEVER until i asked. Then they will say, "er, i think i can find out how to solve it". APPRECIATE that a lot. But hello...... if you don't mind , please fill me in the blank of what's happening first before you DECIDE to put on efforts to sort it. Simply because I am the one who needs to tell clients what's going on and I can decide better if that matter is URGENT OR NOT.
It's that frustrating when people try to NAIL you on the wall without telling you what's going on. Some people just somehow got angry (no idea why) on me and pin me on the wall and persecute me like nobody business. Lies and lies were communicated to me. Lies because words was told is never what actions shown and .. at the end of the day, I have PROBLEM trying to figure out which one is truth. I gave up entirely trying to understand and figure that out anymore. My brain is very occupied with works and studies these days. When text messages and emails or whatever it is are not being responded and all, I gave up completely on this so call 'communication'. If the person want to dwell in the miscommunication and being stuck inside a 'presumed communication', I have no duty nor power to stop it.
One of the danger of having depression is that, we are unable to control much of what we WANT to think. I put it as, all my thinking is WRONG and i need someone to verify it for me. So, in many times, i seek 'help' by asking people around me, if situation like this happen, etc... whether my reaction and my emotion are applied correctly. Of course, people we ask, needs to be those who can keep secret and those who are care enough to let us know what is right or wrong. In a way, for a period of time, i tend to listen to others more than myself as ai have completely lost confidence over my own decision and thinking. I was glad enough to found Dr Leonard who was so patience in listening to me and all my stories, even though to him, it has no value and benefit to him at all. Most of the time, he asked me to don't think about it, go talk to someone who i think will understand and try to listen to what they advise me instead. I soon realised, many do care but don't know how to help me and when I did asked for help, they are so willing to help. Some people, even though I scolded them, they just took it as it is and came back with chocolates and coffee and sit down and talk again. I really treasures those a lot.
So, speaking about cracking heads to understand our own 'thinking'... i have to admit that, not all my 'thinking' is correct. And i wish, everyone knows this fact too and learn from it too.
In gist, we can't read minds, not even our own mind....
- Sometimes ... -
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Monday, February 15, 2016
Friend and selfishness
I do realised, there are people who tend to make sure they are close to certain people and that's all. They are not open to accept anymore new friends. They eliminated their friends and they tend to only accept some and rejected some. I am generally.... sees everyone i know as friend. I don't because of one of two people arounds me who think A is weird and bad and hence, I don't see A as friend. I always think, if B & C cannot regard A as friend, it's just B & C and I might be different and I might be able to click with A. I don't know.. I don't see friendship as that complicated.
It's always an issue of friendship and relationship when it comes to people. Ja seems not to happy to get along with L and L doesn't seems to like Jo and Jo doesn't seem to like P and P doesn't seem to like Ja and V and it goes round and round and round to a point, I don't know what truthfulness in friendship is.
I thought there will be people arounds me, who is really good and nice and truthful. Not until when I get along with others whom i thought the more the merrier, it makes a U turn over things. Everything collapsed and i am forced to either to choose A or B. I hate people pushing me to choose in between. I am not sure why friendship/relationship can be so complicated that one has to choose in between and not to get along TOGETHER. I love being a group or a gang of people. I hates being pushed to only get myself into a friendship with ONE single person. I don't know what's the benefit for me to have only one friend, in that case. I am definitely doesn't belong to anyone. Otherwise, I would have married by now (or may be i should then no one else can 'own' me). It's just weird that, for the past few months, just because one person cannot accept another person, I have lost a bunch of friends. Everything built for the past few years, if not months..... has collapsed and became NOTHING.
Weird but truth. I can only say, i am TIRED with all these non-sense. Enough of non-sense and it's time to move on. I guess, the principle remained. Living a life of my own is good. A peaceful and quiet birthday this year, with no celebration, lives as usual and eat a cake i choose for myself and finished half of it myself (going to finish all tonight), focus on my assignment and work and that's about it.
Life, as it goes older, getting more ridiculous. I don't know why it's my burden to bear their failure. No. Not that I don't love them. I love them too much until they took advantage of me i think. It's time to stop all these ridiculous issues and move on life without regret. Do what I like with people I like better will do. I can't bear selfishness.
Instead of more friends, I did end up with less these days because of selfishness and unwilling to love more. I think I will never get it. But I guess it's better now. It's always best to spend more time with old friends who came back from oversea, over the CNY. It reminds me I need to pay them a visit soon... hehe
- Friend and selfishness -
It's always an issue of friendship and relationship when it comes to people. Ja seems not to happy to get along with L and L doesn't seems to like Jo and Jo doesn't seem to like P and P doesn't seem to like Ja and V and it goes round and round and round to a point, I don't know what truthfulness in friendship is.
I thought there will be people arounds me, who is really good and nice and truthful. Not until when I get along with others whom i thought the more the merrier, it makes a U turn over things. Everything collapsed and i am forced to either to choose A or B. I hate people pushing me to choose in between. I am not sure why friendship/relationship can be so complicated that one has to choose in between and not to get along TOGETHER. I love being a group or a gang of people. I hates being pushed to only get myself into a friendship with ONE single person. I don't know what's the benefit for me to have only one friend, in that case. I am definitely doesn't belong to anyone. Otherwise, I would have married by now (or may be i should then no one else can 'own' me). It's just weird that, for the past few months, just because one person cannot accept another person, I have lost a bunch of friends. Everything built for the past few years, if not months..... has collapsed and became NOTHING.
Weird but truth. I can only say, i am TIRED with all these non-sense. Enough of non-sense and it's time to move on. I guess, the principle remained. Living a life of my own is good. A peaceful and quiet birthday this year, with no celebration, lives as usual and eat a cake i choose for myself and finished half of it myself (going to finish all tonight), focus on my assignment and work and that's about it.
Life, as it goes older, getting more ridiculous. I don't know why it's my burden to bear their failure. No. Not that I don't love them. I love them too much until they took advantage of me i think. It's time to stop all these ridiculous issues and move on life without regret. Do what I like with people I like better will do. I can't bear selfishness.
Instead of more friends, I did end up with less these days because of selfishness and unwilling to love more. I think I will never get it. But I guess it's better now. It's always best to spend more time with old friends who came back from oversea, over the CNY. It reminds me I need to pay them a visit soon... hehe
- Friend and selfishness -
Friday, February 12, 2016
Fighting
As usual, it's Chinese New Year and the news came that my brother and his family will be going home for Chinese New Year. I forgot how much frustration i can get whenever they are around. I once told myself, I should not stay with them more than 3 days, but I forgot all about it.
They came back for 5 days. Each time they are back, there's something we need to fix after they left. Last year was a new wok. I have to purchased a new wok for my mom because one of them don't know how to wash a non-stick wok and I seriously have no idea how it happen. This year, I suffer a total of 4 days without a proper shower head. Some bloody itchy hand does that obviously and it spoiled the shower head and it's just bad.
I am not trained or raised to do nothing and being SERVED. From my brother, it's already bad, but i did not know my sister in law is equally bad and so, the children is TERRIBLE too. The girl completely like a princess not knowing how to do a simple task and she never listen to anyone's teaching. She just want to be who she is. Seeking attention is all she knows and character is as bad as her mother. The son is better.... at least when I call him to get things done, he will get it done, properly. If he doesn't know how to do it, he will ask, listen and do it. Chinese New year to me is ... being a maid. Not that I do not want to help out my mom. But seeing my mom not having them around for meals sucks. They really treat it like a hotel. When they reach home, they go to their room and never shows up until they are about to leave the house for their 'enjoyable event'.
With all the assignment, tutorials and studies going on, I seriously feel very lonely and sad. I wasn't sure why I was in Tawau. Anyhow, guess not many realised, I didn't attend church. It's just not a place to be at anymore. It's time to move on seriously....
So, it is time to move on with assignment and all ... trying to finish all my tasks ... and disregards whether I do it well or not. The new system is not as good as previous one and I certainly don't know if i can pass this one. More so, this assignment is rather ... too much to chew and digest.
All I can say is, it's a challenging year ahead. Lord, have mercy on me!
- Fighting -
They came back for 5 days. Each time they are back, there's something we need to fix after they left. Last year was a new wok. I have to purchased a new wok for my mom because one of them don't know how to wash a non-stick wok and I seriously have no idea how it happen. This year, I suffer a total of 4 days without a proper shower head. Some bloody itchy hand does that obviously and it spoiled the shower head and it's just bad.
I am not trained or raised to do nothing and being SERVED. From my brother, it's already bad, but i did not know my sister in law is equally bad and so, the children is TERRIBLE too. The girl completely like a princess not knowing how to do a simple task and she never listen to anyone's teaching. She just want to be who she is. Seeking attention is all she knows and character is as bad as her mother. The son is better.... at least when I call him to get things done, he will get it done, properly. If he doesn't know how to do it, he will ask, listen and do it. Chinese New year to me is ... being a maid. Not that I do not want to help out my mom. But seeing my mom not having them around for meals sucks. They really treat it like a hotel. When they reach home, they go to their room and never shows up until they are about to leave the house for their 'enjoyable event'.
With all the assignment, tutorials and studies going on, I seriously feel very lonely and sad. I wasn't sure why I was in Tawau. Anyhow, guess not many realised, I didn't attend church. It's just not a place to be at anymore. It's time to move on seriously....
So, it is time to move on with assignment and all ... trying to finish all my tasks ... and disregards whether I do it well or not. The new system is not as good as previous one and I certainly don't know if i can pass this one. More so, this assignment is rather ... too much to chew and digest.
All I can say is, it's a challenging year ahead. Lord, have mercy on me!
- Fighting -
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