Needs? Desire?

I am taking a scale on my hand, putting some 'values' on the left and to the right..... and I am considering to withdraw from my LLM programme which I have put so much efforts on for the past one year.  Simply because due to some misunderstanding, the actual fees invoiced is not as what I was told and/or expected and/or budgeted.  So, either, I stop it, or I continue.
I have been asking the same question again and again as to whether I need to study this course.  It would definitely something 'earned' if I do want to continue.  But at the same time, I am not rich.  I do not have 'extra' cash to study.  It will add on to the financial burden I have been carrying on.  Life might not be as 'luxury' and comfortable if I wish to continue.
I was thinking to withdraw the course yesterday.  Today, I just wanted to continue for another semester if that's allowed (at the time of writing, I am still waiting for email from my personal tutor).

Do i need the course? Well, seriously.... I don't know.  To use it for my professional career, may be not.  To embark into teaching career, may be yes.  To give me something to look forward to and to motivate me and to keep me sane, definitely yes.  I seriously do not have much things to look forward to in life.  I do not have a child that's growing up and expecting my child to reach different level of age and life, etc.  No.  I do not have much to 'expect'.  If I am losing this, I guess, all i have is at work.  I have lost my 'services' in the church for years now. Now with this.... all i am worry is, whether i will go depress again.

So, besides work, it will be home to watch TV and that's all?

I don't know seriously.....

- Needs? Desire? -

Different feeling....

While others are preparing for the arrival of Christmas, I have the task to finish off 2 assignments which due on the 5th January 2015.  I am half way through one of them, which I hope I can finish it by Monday and to start another one on Tuesday onwards.  Well, I am hoping that I can finish everything before I go back for Christmas on the 21st day of December 2014.  

FB has been showing a lot of pictures and events going on during this Christmas season.  That reminds me, usually during this week of every year, I will be very busy writing christmas card to be send out before the 5th so that it will reach before Christmas.  Besides that, I usually gets very busy with carolling, with church events, with practices, etc. etc.  I was trying to remember when was the last time I had that.  I guess it's 2010. I didn't manage to go to church in 2011 Christmas due to my sickness. I flew off to HK on the 27th and I was there until 2nd Jan 2012 before I flew back to KL and then to Tawau straight.  I love that few weeks of freedom and holiday, away from work completely and just relax and sleep and chill. Being alone in HK is seriously cool.  No one seems to bothered by me being alone.  They still celebrated Christmas and new year with me, making sure, I get the fun too.  That's what non discrimination means to me. 

Well, I didn't get to attached with a church that needs my service ever since.  And since then, Christmas has been 'peace and quiet' to me.  Spent the last 3 years Christmas with my parents.  Baked some cakes and biscuits, cooked some meals and decorated my balcony at KK condo.  Relaxing... seriously...... and I forgot what sort of fun I have on Christmas.  Seriously, I do miss being part of the 'celebration' but may be it is an age thing.... I feel I do need some peace and quiet.  Seeing some photos friends posted from US and UK, ... that makes me wonder if I can spend one of the Christmas in England again, probably 2016.  Well, let's hope I can finish this course and graduated smoothly by 2016 May and I can choose to have my graduation in November.  Then... I will probably go away for a month or two.  That's the best thing about having join 2 other senior lawyers as partners. 

I guess, I have never get myself adopted in Malaysia after all.  Was the conviction i had was manifested in the wrong way? Did He not sent me back here to serve Him? What have I done for the past 14 years doesn't seems to have make any sense to this calling at all.  Worse still, I got defeated because I stand up for Him.  I am still catching my breath... but at the same time, inside me, I am crying out to God, to send me back.  "I want to go home".  That's what I am shouting every single minute of life.  Lord... please...!!!

I won't be able to know what will happen to be these few months if not because of my studies.  Life become so meaningless... 

This Christmas?  I guess it is another year I am calling out to God to let me have a good sleep and rest before I return to work.  I have completely lack of passion and expectation towards Christmas. Be it, the real meaning or any other meaning... 

- Different feeling ... - 

Wishes

Everyone has wishes...... something they want to do, something they always wanted.  Most people want to have a husband or a wife and to build their family and some just want to be millionaire.  Some just want to be an accountant, a lawyer, the famous interior designer, and the list go on.  I became a lawyer not because I wanted to.  It's something my mother wanted me to be.  Having said that, now I think she changed her mind and she rather I got married to a man instead.  Too bad, I went with the idea of becoming a lawyer (putting all my bloody efforts on it) because I don't mind being a lawyer.  But I do mind marrying someone and be slaves to that man and to the children for the rest of my life.  Hence, No.  Don't even raise the issue of why am I not marrying, to me.  You will only gets the answer, 'because I don't want to'.
Some people of course think I am unusual, or may be I am a lesbian or may be I have some mental problem that's why I let go for the 'goodness' of becoming a mother, or a wife and in their understanding and principle of life, I have go against God's general command.  Well, go ahead, have your mind ponder over that issue.  All I can say is, I just don't enjoy doing what I don't feel like doing.
So, be it you angry because I am not 'complying' the 'general rules' of this world or the 'wishes' of the majority of people on earth, I will still remain of who I am and be who I want to be.  Be it you don't like the way I dress, the way I look, the way I handle my own things, then just go ahead, sort yourself out and get out of my life.  I don't need your presence to lives my life in a comfortable manner.  My existence does not determine by your approval.
Just because I answers all your request mostly by the word "YES!", it doesn't really means i answer it because of you and/or your request.  Instead, I answer YES simply because of myself. If your request is not too difficult and I feel comfortable with it, I am OK with it.  But if I cannot accept your request or your request doesn't make me feel comfortable, I am sorry..... I will just walk away.
Yes.  May be that's what 'stubborn' is defined.  But that's also what perseverance and determining mean.  I won't give up my 'principle' just because I need to comply with your request and/or the 'general rule'.
I won't want to hurt my ankle again and suffer again for a more severe injuries just because everyone think I should dress up and wear high heels.  The thing is, I don't like to make accountable to others of what I am doing and what I want to do.
Many is asking why is there a need for me to do a Master course.  Put it this way, I didn't do well in my degree and by rights, I am not qualify to even enrol for Master course.  I tried and I got an offer and I do not want to give up on it.  No.  I don't think I can finish the course, but I do enjoy reading and doing home works more than going out for a drink, ironing my husband and children' clothes or cooking for them and all.  I gained a lots of update on the recent law and knowledges just this one year. I don't see why it is bad to do my Master course.
I understand that not many will understand what I am feeling.  But to ask me to get married, it's more like asking me to give up my freedom.  I can't even cope with taking care of my parents.  I cannot imagine how is it like to be taking care of my husband children.  Like those who knows me well said, I probably have hanged myself long ago.
I understand the 'general rule' that God has set.  But you must understand there's always a reason why God never let me get married.  If you cannot find the answer, then stop commenting like you know God better.
I love my friends, those who truly understand me and who never ask me why i do this, why don't i do that, etc.  They just accept me as who I am and never complain.  There aren't a lot of them.  But I appreciate their acceptance and love.  For those who cannot, I guess live is better without you anyway... So, thanks for 'stopping by'.
My wishes? I wish I have million and billions of dollars that I can just go mission without needs to have to think about finances.
- Wishes -