Love

It is a word I have failed to describe nor feel it for the past few years.  The 'to love others' button somehow has been deleted by the 'programmer'.  By default, anyone, everyone who comes and tell me that they love me, they will not get any respond from me. I won't be able to feel it too.  No matter how much one do anything for me or to me, ... they will get no respond from me.  Be it it's so romantic, it's so touching.... it's just not going to touch my heart.  That's how 'wounded' I was and am.
I do appreciate (logically) what they all did to and for me in the past.  But deep down in my heart, it's just.... 'untouchable'. A way to protect myself from being hurt again may be?
Having said that, there are few people nevertheless think they 'received' unexpectedly from me throughout the past few years too.  Whereas, some people who has the expectation that I will be good to them, they are much hurt by my unexpected reaction.  I guess, my heart has changed (not very sure for better or for worse).
It was quite an unexpected experience in the past few months though where both fear to love and the fear to be loved came at the same time.  Challenging my heart to open up (seriously not sure open up for being loved or for being hurt and that's the fearful part).  I don't think I have the confidence in human being anymore.  I call it an adventures ride.
I keep reminding myself it's not difficult for me to love someone or make someone feel loved. But it is definitely difficult for me to open up myself to let someone to make me feel loved. It's challenging for people and in order for me to feel loved, they really need to put up really lots of efforts.  Over the years, I know with my heart and mind of so many others who are out there who have put up a lot of efforts to love me.  I appreciate that.  I know hard it is for them.  Thanks for bearing all these with me.
Seriously, I am trying very hard at my end to accept "I am being loved".  I hope I don't make anyone of you feel discouraged, rejected and hurt.
Thanks for the one who made extra efforts to make me miss you all the time.  Somehow, this has made my heart exercise a bit more than usual.
- Love -

Contradiction!

When I was deciding which course I should study after SPM, my mom disagree with most of my suggestion, except law.  However, throughout the years, she has been worry about me as I am not a smart kid at all.  So, I struggled through my degree, CLP, etc. And now that I am a practising lawyer, she is worry why am I taking up litigation matters instead of doing just what all the Tawau lawyers are doing, conveyancing matters. Her worry is substantial when she realised what sorts of people I am dealing with and what sorts of people I am suing.  hahahahahahaha.....
Well, I can be bias and being fearful all the time for not wanting to be 'known' and not wanting to hurt certain parties, can I? That's what 'upholding' justice means, isn't it? (well, is there something call upholding justice in Malaysia legal system?)  And yes, that's one of the reason why no one should attach with me too closely these days.  My life is in danger all the time.
Now that I wanted to study LL.M to get out from all these, my mom again worry about me as to whether I am able to handle both works and studies. 
I don't know if she is feeling more 'guilty' or worry over her own decision or mine these days. Seriously it is bothering me. What's bothering to be exact? People's expectation, what others want from me.  I just feel pressure....
This feeling has been with me ever since I was a kid then..... no one ever being supportive of my decision ever. NEVER EVER I get the 'Yes' answer... from my brother, from my mom..... and I am still suffering from it today. Damn!
- Contradiction! -

Weird feeling....

Interestingly, a group of primary schoolmates, and another group of secondary schoolmates recently has set up a whatsapp group chat room. The primary schoolmates however set up a reunion gathering during cny and the secondary schoolmates had gathered up among them and now, they all saying that I being anti-social and didn't join them ever. 

Firstly, I wonder what's the big deal of me joining and not joining them? Due to my 'special characters', they never consider and accepted me during school time nor invited me for any event for the past 21-25 years and so, why is there a need now? 

Secondly, saying that I am anti-social and not looking down on them because I am a lawyer? Come on.... Who are you and what position are you in my life? Not that I 'belong' to any of you nor your group for the past 21-25 years and do you think I should now 'walked in' and join you? 

Thirdly, I do have a few good friends I am still keeping in touch with for the past 21-25 years and I still do meet up with them whenever I can and able to, that's because they accepted me as who I am all these while and still do.  It's not because of the issue of 'ranking' and 'selection'.

Fourthly, I am not accountable to you all as to how I conduct my life is. 

Well, I don't know why never get accepted. But I do know I don't really like them either. I am sorry.... When you all started to do the 'selection', I have learned that too. 

I am just feeling weird that people started to be so offensive these days. Oh well, yup! I am being sensitive! Haha...

- feeling weird-