New year 2014

A last minute unplanned decision.  I bought my ticket a day before and left Kota Kinabalu on 31st December 2013 and landed in Kuala Lumpur 2 1/2 hours later. Spent the last few hours of 2013 at Bandar Sunway and Faith Christian Centre with a bunch of good and die hard friends. I cannot remember when was the last time I am these happy and have had spent happy moments with friends. But these unplanned trip is really eventful.

Though the idea was sort of set off by HZ's issues of unsettled transfer arrangement, but it gave me Ll the opportunity and reason to be here to celebrate new year 2014 with her and the rest of die hard friends. I consider this a privilege to be able to celebrate new year with her as I have not been around her for years now. Loving her and at the same time trying to keep a distance with her so she won't feel vulnerable or hurt by me is hard. But to know that she is moving in her life chapter by chapter happily, it is comforting enough. I know God is blessing and taking care of her well. Hope this new chapter of her life wins God's approval nevertheless. 

For myself, this year is not going to be the same anymore. Life moves on and so do all my plans ahead. Studies is going to be hard, so are works. I need more strength from the Lord. And I wish there's changes at home too! 

Lord, I hereby commit 2014 to you. Prosper me, guide me, protect every steps of my life. 

- new year -

Tough!

Today I attended the last church service for 2013. It's probably the only service I arrived on time, or rather earlier ... As my mom started to feel how worry and stress and difficult it is for me for the past few weeks and had taken over some 'task' from me.... Speaking of love of a mother, I guess she does know I am holding up myself so hard for the past week.

Seriously, I don't know how did she do it for 3 years now.... She is amazing!!! I wonder if I am able to do that if I am her. Anyway, I guess my limit for all these is very limited and shallow as I am very sure I am not 'made' for the post of a mother or wife. God definitely know this part of me better than myself. 

Anyway, let's get back to tonight service. I was sitting there pondering over issues for the past year before the service started. This year's Christmas definitely was a new experience for me.  I was literally being put in the shoes of those who are sick, weary,worry, vulnerable during the Christmas season. It's not pleasant to be honest. To see all your friends and relatives are happily meeting up, arranging meals, gathering, leaving me behind because of my condition. It's not pleasant either not having been able to 'dig' out some joyful mood for the joyous occasions. 

This whole year is not pleasant. With the conflict I had with my uncle, with the tough economic conditions, with my constant flying, with my unpleasant works and cases, with not having a home church and the opportunity to serve God, it is killing.... And my life is so unsettled to a point, I myself feeling so lost.  

When the songs asked us to sing on are to thank God.... It's the first time I struggle through the whole songs crying both in my heart and eyes...do I not thank Him? Of course I do. I wouldn't have survived if He did not faithfully bring me through.  He has been my ONLY support. But with all that's He allows to happen to me for the past years, I do not know if I should thank Him for allowing it. It is just too much for me to bear.  I am suppose to have a week of holiday and I ended up to have not only none, but pending works for weeks!

Why is He doing these for me to bear? Why? Can't He spares me and deliver me and have mercy on me?

Why is this blog is alive? Simple. By now, I have no one else to talk to.  I just feel like crying over and over again! It is depressing seriously.... When will all these stop?

Just right after service, 2 persons came and talked to me on the same issue. I just couldn't withhold mt tears. I guess they didn't know what to say and I just changed the topic. I seriously cannot stand anymore I think. If it wasn't for a lunch on Christmas and movie and tea/cake time, I don't think I am able to survive until now.... 

This year is ending soon. I hope everything ends soon too! Lord, please....

- extremely tough-

The reason!

I guess until today, many still wonder why I did what I did for the past few years. Many have the opinion that may be I feel better doing what I have been doing. But I must say, those opinion is not exactly correct entirely. If, only if you understand what it means to have not seeing your love ones suffer together with you, you will understand why I did all these. Pains on me no matter how, but to be able to release them from suffering with me is what I choose to do.  Not that I am not missing them. Not that I do not want them to be in my life, not that I do not want to call them, not that I do not want to share with them, ... It is just that I am withholding all these in my heart simple because I know and wish they do not spend too much time and energy on me and matters concerning me.  My life is never easy ... And that's my burden to bear, not theirs.  They deserves better and happier lives and that's exactly what I want them to have.

I guess I was and is just trying to love them in a very different way.  

If you ask me if I miss them? Yes, of course I do. Every moment of my life. 

Do I wish they are around? Of course I do. But I shouldn't be selfish. They too have a life to lives and I wish them all the best in finding what they are suppose to do and live life to the fullest. No one should be accountable to me and my life. 

Well, ... It's not pleasant not to have them around all the time, but it is too painful to see them suffer with me. 

- a deep feeling indeed, which I have chosen!-