The reason!

I guess until today, many still wonder why I did what I did for the past few years. Many have the opinion that may be I feel better doing what I have been doing. But I must say, those opinion is not exactly correct entirely. If, only if you understand what it means to have not seeing your love ones suffer together with you, you will understand why I did all these. Pains on me no matter how, but to be able to release them from suffering with me is what I choose to do.  Not that I am not missing them. Not that I do not want them to be in my life, not that I do not want to call them, not that I do not want to share with them, ... It is just that I am withholding all these in my heart simple because I know and wish they do not spend too much time and energy on me and matters concerning me.  My life is never easy ... And that's my burden to bear, not theirs.  They deserves better and happier lives and that's exactly what I want them to have.

I guess I was and is just trying to love them in a very different way.  

If you ask me if I miss them? Yes, of course I do. Every moment of my life. 

Do I wish they are around? Of course I do. But I shouldn't be selfish. They too have a life to lives and I wish them all the best in finding what they are suppose to do and live life to the fullest. No one should be accountable to me and my life. 

Well, ... It's not pleasant not to have them around all the time, but it is too painful to see them suffer with me. 

- a deep feeling indeed, which I have chosen!-

Christmas 2013

I don't know how many more Christmas I will celebrate. I do not know how many times more I can celebrate Christmas with my parents, both of them together.  I must add, each year, it only gets tougher... 

I almost give up half way through this year as I need to take care of both alone. Wit my capacity of not knowing and have never take care of anyone in my life, it adds on to the challenges. With the high demands of my mom towards EVERYTHING, as this is her house, I can assure you my emotions were challenged to the maximum! I remember one night I couldn't stand and I told someone and she told me to hang in there as it will past! I am glad there are few more who sent me messeges helping me to focus rather than just sorting out chores!

Mom obviously recover slower as she is no longer young. People might need 2 weeks, but she needs about a month to fully regain her strength! I am glad all my uncle and aunties are around to help! However, I need to prepare to go back to Kk to work after 2 weeks away! There are just too many works hanging around and even my studies is hanging .... 

The best of this year's Christmas, or rather the highlight is that I still managed to attend both the services and enjoy myself very much! Thank God Sarah is back!!!! Otherwise, I will be sitting all by myself! ...in additional, I am glad to have had lunch with HZ and annie after few years.....a moment of chatting and all enough to release my tension! What more when I met Sophia, Siew yun and Susan at giant while helping my mom to get what she wants! 

Well, it is good to have friends around this Christmas even though it is tough! 

Well, no Christmas dinner tonight. Simple meals for me and my mom... But we finished dinner earlier, enjoyed ice cream together while watching Disney's the Christmas carol! 

It is a memorable Christmas after all! 

- merry Christmas! -

Pre Christmas...

It has been a tough few weeks and for the past few days, it's worse. Everyone is having fun on holiday except me! Well, I keep telling myself I will be on holiday in May 2014. Whenever I wonder when will all these end, I remember a friend told me, "Pei San, soon... Few more days to go!" Haha... Of course we were sharing as to what happen to us this whole 2013. I am not the only one suffering. Few of us on the same year too.... And all has relations with our parents. 

I am just tired. Not physically but mentally, spiritually and physically. Trust me, it is not fun not being able to get involve in ministries for years and all. No caroling, no cell group, no friends, no interaction, no involvement in any directions of my life! It is seriously what I call, a dead and not working soul that walks around...

Trust me, I have been praying the whole day today for His mercy! I cannot stand anymore. I have work, studies and parents to take care. It is crazy. Expenses wise, I am paying for 2 houses of expenses. 3 staffs's salary, mt tuition fees, my other expenses. 

If I am qualify to suffer from major depression, I dunno who else is. If I can cope and yet still being think I am depressed, I am speechless!! 

Depressed, sick and being Demon possessed? Hahaha.... I don't think they know what it means to be me. Or their lives are just too good and they cannot comprehend at all. Well, wait till they suffer they same one day... Then, I will just stand there and tell them I had done it and my turn is over. Hahaha...

For now, I really cannot stand!!!

-pre- Christmas!-