Glorifying God II

It's been a busy 2 weeks because I had a trial last Monday and with the visit and stay over by a group of people, it has been an extra busy schedule. If you think I am still sick, think twice because if I am, I wouldn't be able to cope so well with all these....

During the visit of a group of people, I was going around with them for a few hours and I was told over that one day of what I have done in my past. 1. Someone told me her cell member told them a testimony involving me which from then until now, it has encouraged her of not afraid of being different then others who is non Christian. To keep her to stay strong and never give up on making a difference. It's probably just a word I hv said, but it has brought impact to her, later to her husband and children...

2.  I have during my time in Faith Christian Centre, had trained a few badges of cell leaders and one of them told me what I have told her had so much impact on her until today. It has kept her moving and going, wherever she goes, wherever she serves. 

After hearing them both, I ponder over these for a week. I didn't feel extremely happy or sad over these. Instead, I wonder how many things I have said and done that has hurt and destroyed others? I have heard good things from others because it is easier to share with me when thing is good. But what about bad things? 

Yes, I have done a lot. If I start counting, there's a few who is priest today was my cell member once. There's a huge numbers of people who is in full time used to be my cell members too.... There's many who know how to play guitar, lead cell group, became priest and full time workers because of me too! But how many did I not know that I have hurt and destroyed at the same time?

2 years ago, how many has been discouraged by my break down? How many were discouraged and gave up on Jesus because of my retrieve and gave up upon CCL? I never get the chance to explain what and why and how it ended up that I gave up CCL. People generally thought I was upset over a few persons and all. To the end, those people were part of the disappointment....too! To a point, I didn't bother to even explain, to gain them back because to me, it is better not to have discouragement in my life than having them to destroy me. 

I met a few CCL people last Sunday. How much do they want me back? I will say, they don't at all. Besides being shock seeing me still alive in church, they didn't even send their greetings. Only God knows who is saying what to them. I don't want to bother. 

Interestingly, I met someone who returned from Australia and she asked if I am alright. She said she heard someone said I was depressed and sometimes from my fb she saw that I was upset about certain things. Come on.... Am I not a normal human being whom I will voice my frustration? 

In the area of glorifying God, i wonder if it is easier to glorifying God or not glorifying God. I wish and hope I can continue to focus on God then people arounds me. Who cares what they think and how they look at me as... I am accountable for God alone!!!

- glorifying God II -

"Not glorifying God"?

Few months after my dad had a stroke, many told us 'he is not glorifying God in his condition now'. I have been pondering over it.  Who are they to judge and how much do they know about what God's plan was and is for my dad? Every weekend when I went back home and saw my dad, I can feel how difficult thing is for him.  He can't even kill himself, that's how hard it is for him.  For those who can still have the freedom to kill yourself, you are still in a better position.  Yes. I don't think everyone can understand this.  But just because I went through the phrase of life where I rather die then lives here in the world and I can still can make that choice, if i want to. But my dad, is at the point where he can't even do anything about it.  He is literally 'waiting' for the day to come, the ... 'appointed time' according to His will. 

Is he not glorifying God because he is not recovering?  If one understand how does God plans things and make a person to sacrifies and suffer just to uplift another, then one will know what 'glorifying God' really means.  

I must say, even though thousand and million is saying that my dad is not glorifying God, but I can tell you, he has during these 2 to 3 years, has been the only thing that keeps me alive and made me manage my life 'better'.  He has even 'rescued' me from all the accusation and hardship in all area of my life.  I wouldn't have 6 months break if not because of my dad's condition.  I wouldn't have been closer to my mum if it is not because of my dad's condition.  I wouldn't have been getting all my old friends back if not because of my dad's condition.  I wouldn't have gotten this condominium if not because of my dad's condition.  etc. etc. 

Of course there's not many who can understand all these and there's so many still trying to take things for granted.  But as much as that's going on, I somehow manage to handle it much better these days.  Everything is now became 'temporary'. Nothing is permanent, including sadness, hardship, happiness. All will be gone and pass away ... that's how I look at it these days and that's make me feel easier and happier.  

Glorifying God? I guess that definition and understanding can only be 'judged' by God, not anyone else. 

- "Not glorifying God'?- 

Lack of compassion?

Oh well, this happen few hours back where my cousin sister told me about someone passed away in front of another cousin.  She does sound 'solemn'... but unfortunately, i wasn't taking it seriously.  hahaha... to a point, i did answered: "oh, dead is it?".  Then both cousins wanted to laugh and asked me why put it so 'rude'.  I laughed out loud... and explained that "Death means death, what's to solemn and sad about?" and there burst out in laughters.
Is this lack of compassion? I used to feel sad for family members of those who passed away, but ever since I was so near to death before, I don't feel anything to be sad about when it comes to death.  In fact, that's relief.  Anyway, i have learned not to be so 'compassionate'.... anymore. No more such 'stupid feeling'.  Hence, people can now refer divorces cases, and other litigation matters to me.  I don't have a feeling anymore.
I do have someone whom i know being introduced by another lawyer to me.  The lawyer told me I might know them and she doesn't want to accept the case because she knows both of them.  But I never seems to have that problem about handling your friends' divorce.  When I was told the 2 are planning for a divorce, I don't feel a thing, except, "Great, more income this month!". hahahaha....
So, if you ask me what am I focusing these days? REALITY.
I have a lawyer helping me these days.  But unfortunately, she's like whom I was .... and i couldn't stand anymore because of that characters and attitudes.  I demanded her to be more realistic and practical. Be a lawyer who can earn and accumulate profits.  Not stay on 'principles'.  I am sure she is not agreeing with me on this, but who cares? hahahahahaha.....
Lacking of compassion these days? I guess so.  It just makes me easier to survive.
While we were talking about the deceased and her son just now, I was very surprise to know that all my cousins dislike her son.  I was even shocked to know that he walked passed my cousin when he saw her.  I guess it's a fact as to 'whom' side of the story they believe after all, even though I never tell my side of the story. I don't think that's necessary at all. hahaha... time can clarify things.
So, my aunt is the closest to the deceased.  But seems like she's also not bothering much... hmm... what to do? We had a feast this evening. We are still MORE important. hehe...
Am I lack of compassion? I don't think so.  I think I am only being reality.  Treat people the same way they treated me. :)
- Lack of compassion? -