How does it feels and looks like?

When my parents first heard from me that i am suffering from depression and anxiety disorder, first thing   they asked was, "how do you?".  A question i wish i can answer. It's so difficult to answer.  I don't think i suffer anxiety recently. For years, i have difficulties in walking in to a shop to buy things i want, even newspaper.  If someone ask me to approach a waiter or to ask someone something, this fear, discomfort will set in.  Hence, i have difficulties even to go out alone or eat alone at a restauran.t. No one seems to believe me. Well, more so, when it comes from a litigation lawyer who has to cope with people, nasty opponent and clients, judges, etc. Only God knows how much struggles i need to get through in everyday's life.
Watching this recent HK series, i am reminded of what sort of emotions i need to deal with last year when i finally broke down without control as the 'help', the 'pillar' and the ONLY comforts i had , i.e.Vanessa and Debbie had not only collapsed, but had put on more for me to go through.  I was telling someone that, chung ka yan in the HK series is much better because she has her dad and uncle with her to give her 100% support and at least they won't force her to do things she can't do or handle. At least no one will shout at her or challenge her emotions to the maximum.
When i saw the scene where she needs time and she ran to the toilet and needed her space.... i was reminded of the days and months i was not only not have my space, but being forced to deal with things i couldn't....and yet, with all these, comes with interrogations, dad's stroke, to accept my own sicknesses, unable to work, finances, being forced to buy over the 1/2 shares of the condo, being left and forgotten by friends (now acquaintance), etc, etc.
Looking back, i am again back to the old me .... to secure myself, i will never put any more steps towards knowing anyone else, i.e. now more new friends, no more reaching out to the others. i wish i have a rich dad that i don't have to work and remain sick. hahaha..
A friend who was the first one discovered that i might be suffering from depression has somehow been checking on me, even without me noticing. i guess technology is what she is good at.... haha... well, amazingly, she always manage to track me, with the right way.... and well, guess she's the one who has made my Austrlia trip ended without flying plane!!! she got my cousin worried i think.  And guess what she is doing now...assigning me to go look and comforts our other friends in Tawau more, says her, because i am not married and i am free. hahaha.... so, she said whenever i am thinking of dying, i should give my friend a call to see if she is alright. Yes, this friend is facing lots more than i am now....that's why.!
Seriously, as much as others trying to know me these days, only a handful of course...less than 5, i too...am trying to know myself more.  It's tougher then reading laws. hahahaha....
So, if you really want to know how i feel? watch the first few episode of this new HK series.. you will get a hint.
- how does it feels and looks like?-

Total Loss!

It's huge lesson, not for anyone, not for everyone... but I do somehow has the privileges to experience this ... from God of course.  It took me years to get over with the issues of losing EVERYTHING belonging to me in England when the cargo was declared has been destroyed in a shipping accident.  I remember that was the first time my mother called and calm me down before telling me the 'bad news'.  And to make sure I was ok, she called my brother to call me.  3 years properties, that includes all my assignments, my awards, my belonging, all those gifts, memories, photos, books, etc. etc.  You name it.  Pain... that pain...! It took years to slowly adapt and accept the fact... and only after years when I started to forget what's in the 2 big boxes.  That was the first experience of how I lost everything that I took as the most precious in my life.  After the incident, everyone said I have turned into someone who doesn't care much about things and people around me. I agreed because it taught me that nothing last forever, ... especially tangible things.  Nothing last.... and of course, i guess that's the main reason why all relationship matters falls apart too.  I can't seems to trust anyone, anything, any situation....
After losing everything and start from having 1 laptop and some clothes, I started to look at life on different angle. All these of course started with how God 'found' me again when I was in England and how He moves me back to Malaysia, with my step of faith of course.  It's challenging journey instead.
Last year, God made me lost everyone, every single people I treasure and love so much in a few months time. It's even more challenging that the "pre-warning total lost".  What I treasure a lot? (a)  Church life, (b) my dad (c) certain close and supportive friends (d) my own sound mind/myself.  Yes.  I lost them all.  First with the departure of Kiat Ping.  A best and awesome and supportive friend whom I can always relied on and whom I had relied on for the past 15 over years.  Be it I was in England, or back in KL, his "presence" through the internet (mRIC then), etc, and physical presence has somehow cause a huge support in my life.  Losing him is unbearable.  If you wonder why I know so much about computers and all, all credits goes to him, including hacking and all.  I remember how he manage to send a motherboard to me from Malaysia just to get my computer fixed while I was in England, with detail instruction given. Musics, etc that was sent to me so that I won't feel bored. How can I forget? Other friends who left me because of my sicknesses all at once (Not only those in KK, but also everywhere... great ai?), losing my dad who can give me advices, etc. (but he still remains the best support I have still), I am basically left with no one around me.  Not to mention of course losing my partners at work, a church, a group of church friends... etc. Well, at least i know who is my true and real friend now.. none!
I wonder for a long while why He makes me losing everyone, everything....
No. I never lose my focus on Him.  Don't judge too soon ... I have never forgotten why I am back here for and what makes me come back here for.  I can't seems to understand how does the 2 relates, but I can tell you now is that, I survive until now even with 2 times of total loss! But how long can I last? I really don't know. hahaha...  of course no one knows. hahaha...
- Total Loss! -

Two sides of a story!

After being a litigation lawyer for the past 7 years, I realised.... many contentious matter in court are due to misunderstanding, from a minor misunderstanding, it has rolled and rolled and rolled and has turned to be a major misunderstanding... each party's lawyer only gets one side of the story, which is their client's story.  The procedure however, will leads us all to disclose facts and particulars at one stage of the matter, which is when the case is almost reach the trial date... and only then, both parties lawyers will have a full picture of what's going on and how to advice their clients to settle instead of going to full trial.  Of course, some lawyer will stick on and rather go for full trial as it will cost more.  But that's generally, not how I practice.  I usually try to help my clients to solve their 'problem' instead of argue until the end and get broke (hence I am not a very 'good' lawyer and people says, I 'spoil' the market).  

I remember a year or 2 ago, people has been hearing nothing from me nor seeing me, but rumours about me, was travels as far as England, UK, Australia, New Zealand... etc. etc. Just like an international news, .... most of those who knows me well, know that the rumours WERE and remain as rumours and it's nothing true. Those we believes, ... I can only say, they are as 'fake' as those who spread the rumours. There are always 2 sides of 1 story, or sometimes, more than 2.  Even in a murder case, ... there's always another side of the story, hence, provocation, insanity, intoxication, could be one of the defence for murder.  When one manage to raise any of those, sentence will be reduced.  i.e.  it is a way to say, their action is reasonable in certain degree.  Hence, from a lawyer's point of view, I won't believe in one side of the story.  Even judges wants to listen to both sides of the story to make their judgment and decision.  Witnesses will be called, evidence will be tendered/admitted, etc.  Even with witnesses seeing things happen, without them knowing what make the person has such reaction, will only means, there's actus reas, ... 

A friend recently told me she had a big argument with her husband and she admitted, sometimes... it's her that caused him to get angry.  She agrees that, sometimes, it is people who made us goes insane and reacted differently.  Hence, the cause, the what lawyer calls, the law of causation is important.  I remember hitting a friend as young as I was in primary 4 because he teased me so badly that I ended up hitting him a few times until he stops.  I call that provocation.  It doesn't matter how good or bad you can control your mind.  Everyone has a limit.  You won't get angry with certain things, doesn't mean I can handle that.  When I said, "stop shouting at me".  I means it and you don't need to see how far I can go in order for you to make a stop in it.  If warning is given, just stop doing it.  You don't need to know the history behind.  All you need to do when you are given warning is to stop shouting.  

So, what's with Pastor Kong Hee and Bishop Vun? Are you hearing one side of the story or all sides? I don't know.  I am not going to judge too.  I am just feeling sad that sometimes, because we did not legalised 'good intention', ... things turned out badly.  Is 2/3 agreement on AGM or EGM is good enough? Are these documented properly? I am sad not because of what they did.  I am sad because many see them a 'model' and not Jesus.  No will take Jesus seriously anymore... all see churches, leaders.... etc. as their example, their model ... it's sad.  Now, are you seeing a different direction and 'side' of this story?

I really hope there's less and less people judging... but more people who work for Him.... 

-Two sides of a story! -